When I Die, He’ll Be Holding Another Woman

When I die, he’ll be holding another woman. I succeeded in my plan. I’ll become the pain he can never forget for the rest of his life. “Miss Adams, here’s your medication. Please take it.” I took the white pill bottle and said thanks. With these sleeping pills, I should be able to get some good rest. It’s time to start the plan. Sitting in the taxi, I thought about the message Adam had just sent me. “There’s a party tonight, won’t be coming home.” I knew what kind of party it was – a welcome back party for Vivian Summer. I have to say, this Vivian is quite something. After dating Adam for a year, she had him wrapped around her finger. I accompanied Adam from age 21 to 27, a full six years, but it couldn’t compare to a single tear from Vivian. I’ve actually lived through this once before. At the end of the story, Adam married Vivian, and I died on their wedding day. I went insane and jumped off a building. I got nothing out of it. How could I accept that? So I came back to life, in the year Adam was 19. Following the normal trajectory, I would meet Adam at 21, when he was just starting his business, and I became his right-hand woman. My parents didn’t love me, his family was broken, and we licked each other’s wounds. For six long years, we even reached the point of discussing marriage. But the variable came at this party – Vivian was back. Not only was she back, but she also expressed her lingering feelings for Adam at the party. The two of them hit it off, and my six years of youth became a sacrifice. At 19, Adam was still the young master of the Chen family, getting whatever he wanted, dating the most beautiful girl, Vivian. At 20, Adam’s family fortunes declined, Vivian left him, and his life took a nosedive. I knew everything, so I entered his world ahead of time. I didn’t interfere with his relationship with Vivian. I watched Adam and Vivian date, watched them embrace, watched them kiss. Those sweet memories that once came from Vivian’s mouth, I saw them firsthand. For a whole year, my heart was soaked in their sweet atmosphere until it rotted. I waited quietly, waiting for the right moment. After Vivian left, I entered his world completely with the most sincere love, in the year when Adam fell into the dust. How ridiculous was the 20-year-old Adam? Childish and stubborn, refusing and waiting over and over again. Refusing me, waiting for Vivian. But companionship is the most enduring confession of love. Adam finally accepted me, and I accompanied him through his darkest year. Then, the story developed just as I remembered. He went from a newbie entrepreneur to a business tycoon, from rejecting me to proposing to me. Until – this party. “Miss, we’re here.” The horn interrupted my thoughts. I picked up my phone, displaying my chat history with Adam. The last message was at 11:35 PM “Do you need me to pick you up? Don’t drink too much, I’m worried about you.” Adam didn’t reply. I opened the car door and got out, doing something I had never done in my memory. The plan starts from this moment. The lights in the bar were swaying. I spotted Adam at a glance, sitting with his back to me. He was wearing a suit, standing out among the oddly dressed crowd. Vivian was sitting next to him, in a black dress, also standing out from the crowd, but matching Adam somewhat. The people sitting around them were all familiar to me, Adam’s fair-weather friends from when he was still a young master. I waited for a long time, thinking I wouldn’t see anything, but suddenly there was an outburst of laughter from afar. They were cheering, the sound was loud. Amidst the cheers, Vivian stood up and planted a kiss on Adam’s lips. I took out my phone, zoomed in, and captured this moment. I couldn’t see Adam’s expression clearly, but Vivian’s smile was undisguisable. My hand holding the phone trembled, my heart ached. Adam seemed to sense something and turned around, I lowered my hat brim and turned away. He didn’t see me. Back at the home Adam and I shared, it was empty. The emptiness didn’t feel good. I took a shower and sat on the sofa, staring at the clock, counting the time. 1:28 AM, the sound of the door unlocking. I opened my drowsy eyes and ran towards Adam, throwing myself into his arms. Adam caught me, patted my head, his low voice sounding in my ear. “Why aren’t you wearing shoes? You’ll catch a cold.” I reached out and cupped his face, gently rubbing the spot where Vivian had kissed, my voice muffled. “Where have you been? You were gone so long, and you didn’t reply to my message.” He paused but didn’t answer, just carried me to the sofa and put socks on my feet. I kicked him twice with my foot, somewhat dissatisfied. “Why aren’t you saying anything?” He patted my head, seeming a bit helpless. “An important client, I didn’t drink, my phone was off so I didn’t see the message.” I looked at him. Adam, you’re lying. I didn’t pursue it further, instead acting coy with Adam as usual.

Early the next morning, Adam went to work. After he left, I crawled out of bed and went to the study. Among the full shelves of materials and classics was my diary. I pulled out the diary, every page I turned was filled with my innermost thoughts, from meeting Adam to now. In these years without Vivian, I felt the love I didn’t have in my previous life. Perhaps because I accompanied Adam through his low point, he treated me differently. Although I knew Vivian was still in his heart. Sometimes I would hesitate, thinking maybe this time would be different? But then I would think of those six full years of companionship, only to be exchanged for Vivian’s grand entrance, for Vivian wearing the wedding dress I had ordered, for them kissing amidst blessings on the day of my death. I was driven nearly mad with hatred. Adam must, like me, be tormented by overwhelming emotions day and night. Tears fell on the diary, my hand caressing the photo I had taken that day. Over and over again, cutting another wound on my heart. I thought I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. “I went to pick up Adam and saw a girl kiss him. The girl was very happy, but I was very sad.” A brand new page, a few lines written in a flowing hand. Excitement and depression occupied my emotions simultaneously. It’s strange, but somehow enjoyable. I closed the diary and put it back in its original place. I applied light makeup and wore a white dress. The girl in the mirror looked serene and gentle. Completely different from Vivian’s glamour. I raised the corners of my mouth, and the girl in the mirror made the same movement. Shallow dimples like they were filled with honey. Adam had complimented me long ago, saying I looked good when I smiled. But I don’t like to smile, not after coming back again. I prefer crying now, crying hysterically makes me feel like I’m still alive, with vivid emotions, a person of flesh and blood. It will make me always remember Adam’s indifference and Vivian’s provocation.

After going out, I went to Adam’s company. The employees in the company all knew me, but their eyes were somewhat evasive when they looked at me. I could probably guess why. As it turned out, I guessed right. From Adam’s office came a girl’s laughter. I looked in through the glass, the two of them were sitting at the same table eating. Vivian picked up a piece of carrot and was about to feed it to Adam. Adam frowned but still bit the carrot and swallowed it. Adam doesn’t like carrots. My hand hanging at my side opened and clenched. I almost couldn’t control myself as I pushed open the door and rushed towards Vivian, giving her a slap. “Don’t you know he has a girlfriend! Why are you being so shameless! Get out right now!” Vivian’s eyes were wide open, seemingly unable to believe I had hit her. After reacting, Vivian cried, sobbing and explaining. “I… I didn’t. I don’t know why you hit me, sis. We’re just good friends, you misunderstood, right, Adam?” I looked at Adam again. He thought for a long time before coming up with an answer. “Lily, stop making a scene. Vivian is just an old friend. You shouldn’t hit someone without reason, apologize to her.” My hand holding the lunch box trembled uncontrollably. Adam, you’re lying again. The scene remained frozen like this. Vivian’s sobs broke Adam’s patience. “Lily Adams, if you hit someone, you need to apologize! Apologize to Vivian!” Adam frowned, his hand tapping on the table again and again. I rarely saw him like this. For a moment, I remembered when Adam was 20, how I tried my best to please him, but he was as stubborn as a bull, telling me over and over, “Lily Adams, I won’t like you, give up.” Just like now. — All for Vivian. Memories surged, welling up in my eyes again, becoming silent tears. My throat choked, I forced myself to say those words. “I’m sorry.” Adam’s brow relaxed, and he smiled again. “Lily, sit down and eat with us.” Vivian beside him chimed in, her voice bright and unrestrained. “Yes, Lily, come eat with us. I bought this meal specially for Adam! It’s from a very famous restaurant.” She looked at me, her eyes full of undisguised provocation. I stayed calm and didn’t make a scene again. On the contrary, Adam looked very happy. I put the lunch box on the table. Adam seemed to suddenly remember something and froze. I knew what he was thinking. I would bring him lunch every day, it was my habit, and his habit too. But today, he ate Vivian’s meal. I suppressed the trembling in my voice and said with a smile, “I came to bring you lunch, but since you’ve already eaten, I’ll go home and eat.” Adam opened his mouth, but in the end, only one word came out. “Mm.” I resolutely turned and left. In a place Adam couldn’t see, belated tears slid down my cheeks. The employees next to the office looked at each other, I pulled myself together and left with a smile. But I could still hear their whispers. “What’s going on, how can the boss’s real girlfriend not compete with the mistress?” “Shh, don’t gossip. I went to the same school as the boss before, the woman in the office is the boss’s ex-girlfriend. They were very much in love back then, it was quite a beautiful story.” “Ah? In that case, who will the boss end up with?” “I don’t know, but that poor official girlfriend.” Yes, poor her indeed. I laughed self-mockingly and left Adam’s company.

The sunlight was blinding, I shielded my eyes with my hand. “Sister, would you like to take a look?” I lowered my hand and saw a stuffed bear. The clumsy body leaned towards me, somewhat comical. I took the flyer from his hand, it was for a nearby cafe. “I’ll go, thank you.” The image of me accompanying Adam to hand out flyers flashed in my mind. Those days when the streets were as hot as a steamer — that was the hardship I endured with him. I smiled at the mascot, about to leave when I heard his energetic voice. “Sister, your smile is very pretty.” I froze, those words echoing in my ears. Lily, your smile is very pretty. “Really?” I reflexively asked him. The rough fabric patted my cheek, the clumsy mascot was struggling to raise his hand. “If you don’t cry, it’s very pretty.” “Sister, don’t cry anymore.” I touched my eyes in a daze, my fingertips felt wet. I cried again? I shouldn’t cry. After a moment, a smile bloomed on my face. I hugged the mascot, and he didn’t refuse me. “Thank you.” I must be crazy. I just sat next to him, watching him hand out flyers one by one, chatting with passersby sentence by sentence. He told me to go home soon, I shook my head and refused. He didn’t mind, just moved his clumsy mascot costume to block the sun for me. So this is how it feels to be cared for, it’s so nice. As the sun set, he took off the mascot suit and sat with me. Next to us was the water he had run to buy for me. The weather was too hot, his hair was damp and limp on his forehead. I took out a tissue for him, he took it, wiped the sweat on his face, then pushed his bangs up. Very sunny, very handsome. Completely different from Adam’s steady looks. I stared at him in a daze, he waved his hand in front of my eyes, smiling and asking, “I’m handsome, right? You’re staring.” I was amused by his goofy expression. I pushed his hand away and stood up. “Don’t be so narcissistic.” “I need to go home now, you should go home early too.” The ride-share driver honked impatiently. I waved to him and got in the car. Through the car window, I saw him hugging the mascot suit, his back to the sunset, smiling and waving to me. I didn’t tell him that his smile was very nice too. Many years ago, it was me wearing the mascot suit to block the sun for Adam who hated the heat. Inside the mascot suit, it was stuffy and suffocating, like a steamer. Adam’s complaining tone and young master temper are still very clear in my memory. What was I thinking back then? I was thinking, if only someone would block the sun for me too. Why am I thinking about Adam again. Once again, I touched my eyes — dry. This time I didn’t cry. Back home, it was still empty. Vivian somehow added me on SnapChat, I accepted, but she didn’t send me a message. I knew what she was up to. Opening Instagram, sure enough, there was her playful caption and a photo. “Dinner with my favorite person! Even the lemonade tastes sweet~” The picture showed two glasses of lemonade and a sumptuous meal. And a man’s hand — obviously Adam’s. He was clever, even took off the watch I gave him. Once again, I wrote in my diary. “Today Adam forgot I would bring him lunch, and ate with another girl. That girl even fed him carrots he doesn’t like, I was so angry I slapped her. Adam took her side and made me apologize, I felt so hurt.”

After that day, Adam rarely came home. I often couldn’t sleep, even sleeping pills didn’t work. Sometimes I’d finally fall asleep in bed, only to wake up startled soon after. The dreams were pitch black nothingness. My hair was falling out in clumps, and I kept losing weight. Although I had made all the plans, including my death at the end, I still couldn’t achieve calm and indifference. Sometimes looking at my listless self in the mirror, remembering how bright and lively I was like Vivian before meeting Adam, I would break down crying uncontrollably. The plan needs to speed up, I’m afraid one day, I won’t be able to hold on anymore. I know what will happen in a few days. There will be a murder at the biggest mall. A mentally ill person will stab people with a knife in the mall. Coincidentally, Adam will be stabbed. Coincidentally, Vivian will save him. But what if, the person shielding him is me? I carefully applied my makeup, making my complexion look a bit more rosy. I looked at the clock — 8:40 PM It’s time. I left with my bag. The mall was bustling. I headed straight for the men’s section. I picked out a tie for Adam, standing at a distance, watching Vivian cling to Adam’s arm and act coy. Vivian also bought a tie. She put it on Adam herself. Adam looked very happy. Although his face was expressionless. I repeated the action of taking a photo the first time. Zoom in, press the shutter. Someone tapped my shoulder, I lowered my phone and turned around. “Sister, what a coincidence!” It was the boy in the mascot suit. I hadn’t forgotten what he said, he said my smile was pretty. So I smiled at him. “Sister, are you here to buy a tie too?” I waved the bag in my hand, letting out a barely audible “Mm.” “Sister, can we add each other on SnapChat? My name is Ray Sunshine.” Ray Sunshine, a very sunny name, just like him. I looked into his eyes, they were beautiful. More beautiful was the sincerity in them. It was hard to refuse. After exchanging SnapChat, he inquired about me more. “Sister, is the tie for your boyfriend?” I glanced towards Adam in the distance, nodding. Ray’s tone obviously dropped. Noticing my gaze, he also looked towards Adam. “Sister, is that your boyfriend? He doesn’t look like it, isn’t he with another girl?” I nodded again. Adding a sentence: “He won’t be much longer.” Adam, see, no one believes it. Ray smiled, his eyes curving, his thoughts written all over his face. “Sister, when you break up, can you give me a chance?” My hand holding the shopping bag tightened, I didn’t know how to feel. But before I could ponder an answer, a man in tattered clothes rushed out of the elevator. My pupils constricted sharply, I dropped the shopping bag and ran towards Adam. Adam, like everyone around, dodged while holding Vivian. It was chaotic, when the man rushed over, Vivian hadn’t reacted yet, the knife had already pierced my body. This time it was me. There were screams and calls for help around me. In the last second before I lost consciousness, I heard Adam anxiously calling my name. I succeeded, the story’s reversal will begin from this moment.

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