Once upon a time, I was a doormat. Not only did I spend all my money on my girlfriend, but I also followed her around like a puppy, catering to her every whim. I even washed her underwear. Yet, my girlfriend treated me with contempt, using my money to support her first love. The two of them spent their days together, rarely coming home. Then, I died of cancer. My girlfriend and her first love held their wedding. I watched as the roses I had carefully tended withered away, and I saw her life gradually deteriorate into something worse than a pig or dog’s. Yet, I felt nothing. She regretted it eventually, praying to every god and buddha, desperately begging for my return. I died from a terminal illness. Before I went to the hospice, Mia was still arguing with me, all because I didn’t want her to have dinner with her first love, Jason, that day. She accused me of being jealous, saying that over the years, it was Jason who had helped her in her career, while I had been useless. Jason was her first love and now her boss. I had intended to tell her about my illness that day and ask her to accompany me to the hospice, but at that moment, my heart turned cold. I shut the door tightly and refused to let her leave. She scratched my arms until they bled. “Lucas Wilson, what right do you have to compare yourself to him? You’re not even worth his little toe. If I could be with him, I would have been long ago. How could it ever be your turn?” With my last hope shattered, I finally let her go. I packed a simple bag alone, took my cat Jerry, and went to a mountain resort hospice. After just two months, my body couldn’t hold on any longer. During that month, she hadn’t called me once or sent a single message. After I died, perhaps due to some lingering attachment, my soul refused to leave and floated back to Mia’s side. I saw Mia contacting Jason more frequently after I left. I saw her dolling herself up like a young girl before each date. I saw her celebrating Jason’s birthday, even making a handmade music box, not caring that she cut her hands in the process. I saw her rushing out to meet Jason at his beck and call, rain or shine, never refusing. I saw her occasionally stumble upon my things at home, pausing for a moment, then checking her phone for missed calls or unread messages. When there were none, she would say, “This time you’re really being stubborn, not contacting me for over a month. You’re so paranoid. Let’s see how long you can hold out this time.” In our five-year marriage, I could never measure up to Jason’s place in her heart. Perhaps from the very beginning, I meant nothing to her. My relentless pursuit before marriage and attentive care after marriage only made her think that maybe I wasn’t so bad at a marriageable age. It turns out that after all these years, I still couldn’t warm even half of her heart. Just when I thought Mia had forgotten about me and would naturally end up with Jason, he asked about the necklace he had given her during their naive first love. She couldn’t find it at home and suddenly remembered me, frantically calling my number, “Where’s my necklace? Did you pick it up and put it somewhere again?” “I told you not to touch my things, don’t touch my things. Always pretending to be sick and weak, who are you trying to impress?”
The call was answered by a caregiver at the hospice. In my final stages, I was tormented by cancer pain every day. This kind brother of a caregiver patiently listened to my troubles, helped massage me to relieve my pain, and assisted me in many ways. “Ms. Thompson, this is Safe Haven Hospice. Mr. Wilson passed away from cancer two months ago. Mr. Wilson specifically instructed me before he died that if Ms. Thompson called, to ask her to come to the hospice. He has some things to give you.” His tone was polite but distant. “What kind of trick are you playing now?” Mia was shocked. “Mr. Wilson is dead, Ms. Thompson. He died here at the hospice, tormented by cancer. You will never see him again.” “I don’t know what kind of joke you’re making, but tell Lucas it’s not funny at all! Please tell him that my necklace is very important. If he helped me pick it up, please make sure he brings it over as soon as possible. We’re all very busy, not like him, who can idle away his time day trading stocks and dreaming up big plans. Thank you.” My job was a securities economist, with flexible working hours and high income. I was solely responsible for all expenses at home, including buying the house, the car, and all other big and small expenditures. But in Mia’s eyes, because my job allowed me to take better care of the house, I became someone who didn’t have a proper job. “Ms. Thompson, I think it would be better if you came here in person. Mr. Wilson left behind a cat. I’m taking care of it now, but it’s clearly unhappy. I think it might cheer up if it were with you.” “A cat? I’ve told him long ago to get rid of that cat. Now he doesn’t want to keep it and wants to dump it on me? No way!” With that, she angrily hung up the phone.
Mia’s face was full of anger, and she couldn’t help but curse me even after hanging up the phone, “Terminal illness, huh? Lucas Wilson, do you really think you’re some TV drama protagonist? Getting a terminal illness to keep me by your side, what a cliché plot!” In the end, she searched every nook and cranny of the house but couldn’t find the necklace. With her neck feeling bare, she went to her date. After hearing about this, Jason said sarcastically, “Lucas Wilson’s skills might not be great, but his temper sure is. Can’t even tolerate a necklace. Never mind, I’ll buy you an identical one.” I watched them happily go to the mall together. Clearly, that phone call hadn’t stirred any emotions in her. Whether I lived or died didn’t matter to her. Perhaps, whether I lived or died didn’t matter to anyone, except Jerry. I was an orphan, growing up in an orphanage, never knowing who my parents were. After graduating from college, I was introduced to Mia by a classmate and fell in love at first sight. Having grown up in an orphanage, I was somewhat introverted and lonely, without many friends. Initially, Mia was lively and outgoing. After being with her, I became more sunny and confident than before. I originally thought she was my salvation, but I didn’t know she had a “perfect first love ex-boyfriend” whom she had dated for many years. After we got married, she changed jobs, and Jason became her boss. Their old feelings were rekindled. When I found out, I wanted to win her back. Having never received family warmth since childhood, I was afraid of losing this hard-won happiness. But perhaps because I cared too much, I became sensitive and jealous. I didn’t let her go out alone with Jason, nor did I want them to contact each other. Mia hated me for this. The more I forbade her, the more she did it, constantly angering me. Now it’s good. She angered me to death, and she’s free.
When Mia returned from her date, she faced a mess at home. In the past, I was always the one tidying up. Because I spent more time at home, I took care of all the household chores, big and small, including washing Mia’s underwear. Mia had hardly ever done any housework, so this time, when her necklace went missing, her first thought was to look for me. She cleared a spot on the sofa and lay down, holding the newly bought necklace in her hand. The old style had long been discontinued, so Jason had bought her a new one. She stared at the ceiling, as if looking into my eyes, but even now, I didn’t know what she was thinking. Was she feeling any sadness about my death, or was she just reminiscing about her past with Jason? But at this moment, I no longer had the fondness and obsession for her that I had when I was alive. Looking at her was like looking at a stranger. Finally, she called a housekeeping service to clean up. The housekeeper cleared out some wedding photos stored under the bed. Throughout our marriage, Mia never let me hang these wedding photos in the house, saying she didn’t think she looked good in them. In the photos, the groom looked jubilant, while she only smiled in each picture. I remember that when we were taking the photos, the photographer told jokes to make us laugh and imagine a beautiful life. I easily got every point the photographer made, laughing loudly and heartily. But Mia only smiled shyly. At the time, I thought she was just shy and couldn’t relax. In fact, maybe she didn’t want to marry me even then. She probably just felt sorry for me being such a doormat and gave me a marriage, making me feel like I had the whole world. Mia had the housekeeper stuff the photos back under the bed, as if having me as a husband was something she wanted to keep hidden.
Today was her birthday. Jason had booked a high-end restaurant early to celebrate with her. Mia carefully dolled herself up. She wanted to find a red evening gown we had bought together, but she couldn’t find it anywhere. The evening gown was at the dry cleaners. I had taken it there to be cleaned, but because of my sudden illness, I never picked it up. “That dead Lucas, never good for much except tidying up all day, and now he’s lost things and is playing dead with me. He’s made me search everywhere and I still can’t find it.” She had to wear another dress to go out. Jason had prepared a candlelit dinner for her, and they looked sweet and happy together. Midway through the meal, Jason received a phone call. On the other end was Jason’s ex-wife, saying their child was very sick and hoping he could come to the hospital. “If you can’t come, can you at least send some money? I just paid rent recently, and the doctor says we need to pay a $5,000 deposit for hospitalization. You’re not paying child support, and I really have no other option. The child has your blood too, don’t you feel bad that he’s suffering?” “Money, money, money. I don’t have any money. I’m so broke I can’t even pay my phone bill, and you’re asking me for money? No child support, if you have the guts, go sue me.” Jason angrily hung up the phone and even turned it off. Who would have thought that Jason, who seemed so refined in public, could be so cold-blooded, not even caring about his own flesh and blood. When Jason returned to the table, Mia asked who had called. He only said it was something from work, lying without a hint of guilt. Oh, Mia, Mia, you think you’ve found the perfect man, but can you really see clearly what’s behind this man?
Jason gave Mia a gift-wrapped birthday present and tentatively asked her, “Aren’t you afraid your husband will be angry that you’re out celebrating your birthday with someone else?” “It’s a happy day, don’t mention him. I still don’t know where he’s messing around.” “He’s not even here for your birthday? Huh, he must have someone else outside,” Jason asked with ill intent. Mia paused for a moment, then smiled casually, “Who would be with him? He’s an orphan with no background and no connections. Only I took pity on him and stayed with him for five years. He even has the audacity to argue with me at home. I don’t know where he gets the confidence.” Mia was still the same, easily falling for others’ provocations. When Mia got home and opened the gift, it was a ceramic doll with her name engraved on the bottom. Mia was clearly disappointed with this cheap gift. Now that I think about it carefully, Mia was actually a bit vain. Exquisite makeup and hair, proper clothing, and fixed twice-monthly beauty salon treatments. In the past, I always paid when we went shopping, and I always topped up her cards when they were empty. Several thousand dollars spent each month, and Mia never asked for details. They say loving someone is like tending a flower. I nurtured her into a blooming rose, but the flower was picked by someone else, leaving me with nothing but thorns. Perhaps remembering something, Mia tried to call me again, but the phone was turned off. Mia angrily threw the phone away, “Lucas Wilson, if you have the guts, never come looking for me again.” She still didn’t believe I was dead. She thought I was still angry and refusing to talk to her. But now, no matter how capable I am, I can never look for her again.
Jason and Mia planned to go for a walk in the park. Not long after entering the park, Jason sprained his ankle. Mia helped the limping Jason sit down on a park bench, went to the kiosk to buy a few cold drinks, and carefully used a handkerchief to wrap them and place them on his foot to cold compress it. “Mia, I’m sorry for ruining your mood.” “It’s nothing, we can come out again next time.” “Mia, you’re so good. I really don’t understand why that Lucas Wilson doesn’t know how to cherish you. He’s an orphan, yet he dares to argue with you. He’s really getting ahead of himself.” “It’s getting late, let’s go.” Hearing his words, Mia looked a bit displeased and stood up, urging to go home. “I’m sorry, Mia. I shouldn’t have said that about him. I just can’t stand seeing him neglect you like this.” “I’m a bit tired too, let’s go back early.” Mia said perfunctorily. “We haven’t eaten yet.” “I have some work to deal with this afternoon. You can go eat by yourself.” Mia picked up her bag and was about to leave. “Mia, wait for me.” Jason panicked and hurriedly tried to follow her, but due to his injured foot, he could only hop step by step. “Mia, just have a meal with me, please. Look at me, I can’t even climb stairs easily. Just help me out, okay?” Mia ultimately couldn’t refuse Jason. She agreed. Jason revealed a triumphant smile. This tactic of advancing by retreating was indeed clever, especially effective on Mia, who had feelings for him.
Mia drove the car into the restaurant and ordered a few dishes according to Jason’s taste. Midway through the meal, Mia seemed to be feeling unwell, constantly frowning and rubbing her temples. Jason noticed and asked with concern: “What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?” Mia nodded, “I feel a bit dizzy.” They hurriedly ate a few more bites, and Jason called a designated driver to take Mia and himself home. When Mia got home and took her temperature, it was 101.3°F. She looked very uncomfortable. Because Jason had insisted on eating in the afternoon, and tomorrow was a workday, she had a pile of documents on her computer that she needed to work overtime to process. I saw her open the refrigerator, take out a large bottle of ice-cold mineral water, and gulp down several mouthfuls. She shook her dizzy head, took a Tylenol, and then opened her computer to start working overtime. During this time, Jason kept calling and messaging her to chat. She could only respond while working. By the time she closed her computer, it was late at night. She was covered in cold sweat, curled up on the sofa clutching her stomach in pain. I saw her scroll to my contact in her phone, hesitate for a long time without pressing call, then switch to the dialer and call 911. She was taken to the hospital alone. Fever plus acute gastroenteritis. The doctor urgently put her on an IV and prescribed medication. Because it was late at night and no caregiver could be found, she had to pay the fees, buy hospital gowns, and get medication herself once her condition slightly improved. After everything settled, she lay on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, silently shedding a few tears. They say the highest level of loneliness is going to the hospital alone. I don’t know what she was thinking at that moment, but she looked very helpless and pitiful. It would be best if she died from the pain, I smirked coldly to myself. In the past, when Mia was sick, I would always be heartbroken, taking care of her attentively, waiting on her hand and foot. But for her current state, I no longer had any feelings.
During my last few days alive at the hospice, I wanted to give her a call in my final moments when I felt so helpless. Her tone was as cold and disdainful as ever, each word like a knife cutting into my heart. Now history repeats itself, but with reversed roles. She can’t even endure half the pain I went through? Mia stayed in the hospital for 3 days. During this time, Jason came to visit once, limping and saying he wanted to stay at the hospital to take care of her. Mia refused, saying he was a patient himself who needed care, how could he take care of her? After that, he didn’t mention it again. When Mia was discharged, he was at work and called a car for her. Mia packed up by herself and went home. When she got home, the place was still a mess. A thin layer of dust had settled on everything. Mia opened the curtains, and the choking dust made her cough, her body just recovered from illness. She called the cleaning company again to have someone tidy up. After the cleaning was done, the doorbell rang. It was Mrs. Johnson from next door, bringing a bowl of meatball soup. “Mia dear, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you and your husband. I heard from your husband that you love my meatball soup, so I made a big bowl today and wanted to share some with you two. Eat it while it’s hot.” “Thank you.” Mia looked a bit awkward. She was busy with work and wasn’t very familiar with the neighbors upstairs and downstairs. “By the way, how’s your husband’s meatball soup coming along?” “What?” Mia was confused. “Didn’t he say last time that you love my meatball soup? He came over specially to learn from me, so I taught him a few tricks. Your husband is so good to you, unlike my old-fashioned husband who doesn’t know how to care for people.”
After Mrs. Johnson left, Mia sat at the dining table, holding the bowl of meatball soup for a long time without touching it. Mia liked spicy and strong flavors, which had always been bad for her stomach, often causing her stomach pain. But she extremely liked Mrs. Johnson’s meatball soup. The meatball soup was light and clear, with some winter melon and hand-made meatballs. Some scallions floated on the surface, but the flavor was rich. Mrs. Johnson said this was because she simmered it on low heat to bring out all the savory flavors of the meat. To help Mia eat less spicy food and take care of her stomach, when I was alive, I often asked Mrs. Johnson for advice and learned to make meatball soup. I would simmer the meatball soup on low heat for 3 hours, add some winter melon cooked until soft, carefully remove the layer of oil on top of the soup, sprinkle some scallions, and time it perfectly so it would be ready just as Mia came home from work. She could always eat three bowls each time. Thinking of my foolishness in the past, I now feel it wasn’t worth it at all. Love should be given to those who deserve to be loved. For those who don’t love you, no matter how much you do, it’s not worth mentioning in their eyes. As Mia was drinking the soup, she suddenly received a phone call, “Is this Ms. Thompson? This is the insurance company. Our big data has observed that your husband Mr. Wilson’s ID has been cancelled, so we’re calling to inform you. The various expenses for Mr. Wilson’s hospital treatment that exceed the deductible can now be claimed. You’ll need to bring his death certificate, all treatment examination records and invoices…” Mia was stunned. The phone in her hand had unknowingly fallen to the ground, and she couldn’t hear clearly what was still being said on the other end.
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