When Ethan and I broke up, things ended badly. He angrily punched the glass cabinet, his hand bleeding profusely. But then he knelt down, wrapping his arms around my waist, his voice trembling: “Lucy, what were you thinking? How could you like someone else? I won’t break up with you. There’s nothing that can’t be solved by sleeping together, right? Baby, let’s not break up…” A few years later, after my startup with friends failed, I had no choice but to seek help from the CEO of Ocean Group. That man turned out to be Ethan. At the dinner table, he swirled his wine glass, leaning back slightly in his chair. He raised an eyebrow and looked at me: “Lucy, isn’t there nothing that can’t be solved by sleeping together? What do you say?” To be honest, I expected Ethan would make things difficult for me. After all, our breakup had been extremely unpleasant. He resented me. That’s why he stared at me with a smile at the dinner table, though the smile didn’t reach his eyes – “Lucy, isn’t there nothing that can’t be solved by sleeping together? What do you say?” I had seen him in his prime when we were young. I knew he had always been proud and arrogant. Once upon a time, wasn’t I proud and arrogant too? But I never had the same resources he did. Never. So I raised my glass to him, my posture as low and humble as possible, and pleaded: “Mr. Chi, I was wrong before. Please be the bigger person and forgive me. We were classmates after all, and have known each other for over ten years. I’m here to apologize, so please think of our history together.” After saying this, I drank that glass of red wine. The man sitting across from me maintained a casual posture, one hand twirling his wine glass, the other resting casually on the table. He just looked at me with an amused smile, saying nothing. I immediately poured another glass and toasted him again. “I’m sorry, Mr. Chi. I was wrong.” “We’ve been working on this project for two years now. It’s guaranteed to be profitable once we reach the sales stage. I know you may not think much of a small company like Brilliant Create, and you have no shortage of profitable projects to invest in. But this is our team’s entire life’s work. It really is very meaningful. Please give us a chance to prove the product’s value…” By the end, after three glasses of wine, my eyes were red and I didn’t know what else to say. If Ethan had sneered even once and said “What does your value have to do with me?”, I think I would have been utterly ashamed of my “begging” right then and there. Lowering my head in front of him always exhausted all my courage. Fortunately, he didn’t say that. He glanced at me, lit a cigarette with some irritation, and slowly exhaled: “Back then you wouldn’t even eat half a bun on my dime for two weeks. Now you’re here begging me humbly, and you’ve already drunk half a bottle of my Cheval Blanc.” I was stunned for a moment, instinctively looked at the red wine on the table, and immediately felt ashamed. I quickly said: “I’m sorry, Mr. Chi. If you’re not happy, I can compensate you.” “Be clear – which one are you compensating? And how?” He raised an eyebrow, seemingly interested, his gaze burning into me. “I’ll buy you another bottle of wine, and I beg you to give Brilliant Create a chance.” “One bottle of wine? Lucy, your pride is still too high. Even after all these years of struggle, it hasn’t been beaten down. What a pity.” He smiled at me, his voice mocking: “Seeking profit without investment is trying to get something for nothing. You’re treating me like a fool.” “Mr. Chi, I’m begging you.” My eyes reddened at his words. “That’s not how you beg someone. At the very least, you should be like how I was back then.”
What was I like back then? Ethan and I were high school classmates. We started dating in college and were together for three years before I unilaterally proposed breaking up. There was no dramatic plot twist, no unavoidable difficulties. It was simply because I no longer wanted to be with him. During that time, we often argued and gave each other the cold shoulder. It happened to coincide with my dad’s passing. My cousin came to visit me at school, patted my head saying I had gotten thinner, and told me to eat well and take care of myself. I couldn’t hold back and cried in his arms. Afterwards, someone saw this scene, took a photo, and sent it to Ethan. He questioned whether I had fallen for someone else. I wanted to break up, so I used this as an excuse and admitted to it. He couldn’t believe it. He went crazy and smashed everything in the room. His fist shattered the glass liquor cabinet, blood flowing non-stop. In the end, he knelt down and hugged my waist, his voice trembling: “Lucy, what were you thinking? How could you like someone else? I won’t break up. There’s nothing that can’t be solved by sleeping together, right? Baby, let’s not break up…” “Let’s go to bed. We’ll go to sleep, and then pretend nothing happened. Everything will be good like before…” He kissed me while dragging me to the bedroom. I struggled with all my might and slapped him across the face. Ethan’s eyes were rimmed with red as he laughed and cried, like a madman. … At that time, we were both still young, just over 20, prideful and arrogant. Now six years have passed. He must have naturally matured into a steady adult. And so have I, of course. “One will be troubled for life by the unattainable things of youth.” Whenever I see this quote, I can’t help but think that worldly affairs always end without warning. How can there be so many perfect endings? Long separations don’t necessarily lead to sorrow. The ability to be troubled for life only shows that one hasn’t lost enough yet. Ethan came from a wealthy family and had a smooth sailing life from childhood. He had never stumbled before. The only time he stumbled was probably because of me. This also destined him to hold a grudge. The game between adults intertwined with the grudges of youth, igniting that inglorious past. And I was powerless, destined to bow my head to him. Brilliant Create was my entire life’s work. When we first started the company, it was just me, Megan, and Quinn. It’s easy to talk about struggling, but those long days and nights we endured, the hair we lost, that wasn’t easy. Later, the company gradually added a few more people. We developed software together, took on contracts, and grew step by step. When we developed a PLG-type product that could serve large enterprises, we faced a survival crisis due to funding issues. Without sufficient capital and resources to operate, it would be a dead end. Mr. Xu from Yongfeng Electronics was willing to help us, but his conditions were too harsh. He wanted to take over Brilliant Create for himself. Besides Yongfeng, the most capable of saving us was Dongming. Dongming was a subsidiary of Ocean Group. So their CEO could decide our fate. I had no way out. Megan and Quinn had invested upfront, even mortgaging their homes. Society and reality always teach us how to be human, wearing away a person’s spirit and edge. I didn’t want to lose, so just like how Ethan had begged me back then, I knelt down in front of him – “Mr. Chi, please help us.” Ethan probably didn’t expect me to actually kneel. After a moment of shock, he quickly pulled me up, angrily saying: “Who told you to kneel? Lucy, you know that’s not what I meant!” “…Mr. Chi, I’ve thought it through.” “What?” “On the premise of not hurting anyone, if you insist, I’m willing to sleep with you.”
Ethan took me to a private club. The third floor VIP room was very high-end. Under the dim lighting, some people were tasting wine and chatting, while others were playing poker. When he arrived, people quickly made way – “Bro, you’re here?” The men at the poker table were puffing on cigars, with beautiful women by their sides, whispering and laughing intimately. After Ethan sat down, I obediently sat next to him. The table was piled with cards and chips, but they didn’t continue playing. Instead, they turned their gazes to me and teased – “The sun must be rising from the west. Ethan actually brought a beautiful woman.” “Bro, don’t say we didn’t warn you. Olivia is coming over later. If she sees this, her eyes will turn red again.” “Hey, Ethan may not care if Miss Wen’s eyes turn red or not. It’s when little Zoe cries that he really feels bad. Last time at the cocktail party when Ethan drank too much, little Zoe came to pick him up…” As they chatted and joked, I remained silent. Ethan gave them a cold glance: “Shut up.” They seemed to suddenly realize something, glanced at me, and quickly changed the subject: “Let’s play cards! Raise the stakes!” High-end private clubs, gathering places for the rich, filled with wealthy second-generation heirs. This wasn’t a place I should be. Admittedly, I had been very ambitious these past few years. Megan, Quinn and I had built the company into something decent. But it was just decent. Brilliant Create would be insignificant if placed in front of any of them. Even if a poor family produces an outstanding child, crossing class boundaries is still as difficult as climbing to heaven. It takes several generations of effort. I realized very early on that Ethan and I were not the same type of people. When they played poker, the chips were easily tens of thousands of dollars. But when I was 16, my mom tried to force-feed me pesticide over nine thousand dollars… Life really isn’t easy. Perhaps it was the half bottle of Cheval Blanc I drank, but I belatedly felt my head spinning. For a moment, looking at the lively poker table, with the lights crisscrossing, my memories became hazy. Surrounded by noise, I didn’t know where I was. Lost in thought, Ethan suddenly reached out and grabbed my hand. We were very close. I was wearing a simple skirt and had my hands resting on my own legs. He just put his hand on my bare knee like that, then turned over my left hand and interlocked our fingers. I looked up at him. He was sitting casually, leaning back slightly. The hand holding his cards rested on the table, his shirt sleeves rolled up to his forearms, revealing a small section of smooth, beautiful lines. His expression was one of complete nonchalance. Seeing me look at him, he raised an eyebrow: “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” I shook my head. He went back to looking at his cards and soon let go of my hand. I had just breathed a sigh of relief when his phone rang. Looking somewhat annoyed, he shoved the cards into my hands and got up to take the call outside. When it was my turn to play, everyone at the table was looking at me. I felt a bit awkward: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to play this.” “No worries, no worries. We won’t play then, let’s just chat. You look very familiar, have we met somewhere before?” “Wow, James, you’ve got some nerve. You dare to hit on the woman Ethan brought?” “Get lost, who’s hitting on her? She really does look familiar.” “James, if my brother beats you up later, we won’t help you.” “Screw off, do I lack women? Why would I go after his?” … The man called James was Ethan’s childhood friend. It was inevitable that I looked familiar, because when I was still Ethan’s girlfriend, I had met him more than once. He didn’t recognize me now, which was also inevitable. I had changed quite a bit over the years. In college I had a short bob haircut with wispy bangs, wore glasses, and had a very bookish air. Back then Ethan always said I was a bookworm, and that I had a baby face that looked too obedient, like I would be easy to bully. And he wanted to bully me. The Lucy of today had grown out her hair, gotten rid of the glasses, was very thin, and knew how to apply pretty makeup. I had become a mature adult, truly unrecognizable compared to before. But if one looked carefully, they could still recognize me. A playboy like James not recognizing me only showed he had been blinded by too many flowers. These types of people were always like this, nothing strange about it. “What are you talking about?” When Ethan came back, the joking and card game continued. I tried to return the cards to him, but he didn’t take them. Instead, he sat down and lit a cigarette, his fingers tapping the table calmly as he raised his chin – “You play.” “I don’t know how.” I said softly. He laughed, switched the hand holding his cigarette, then leaned in close to me. In a half-embracing posture, he reached out his right hand and drew a card from my hand. “Play this one.” In this position, his chest was almost pressed against my back, holding me in his arms. His low voice brushed past my ear. If I turned my head, I would surely see his face up close. The familiar yet strange scent, the warm touch by my ear – I felt my face flush hot, my ears surely turning bright red like a cooked shrimp. He knew better than anyone that I was ticklish, especially when someone breathed on my ear. Sure enough, that man chuckled softly and clicked his tongue – “So easily flustered.” I blushed even more furiously, trying hard to keep a straight face, my hand holding the cards tensing slightly. He maintained the half-embrace posture, gripping my hand, and whispered in my ear again: “Don’t be nervous, Lucy. Big brother will teach you how to play.” In that instant, my mind went blank as a familiar scene from memory flashed before me. It was during the time we were dating years ago. We had gotten into an argument over some trivial matter. After giving each other the cold shoulder for a few days, he was the first to give in. He called me late one night, pitifully trying to coax me – “Lucy, I drank too much. Can you come pick me up?” “You really don’t want your big brother anymore? My head hurts so much. Please come quickly, okay? I miss you. Take me home…” I grabbed my coat and went out. When I got to the hotel, I saw him playing cards with some friends. The room was littered with empty bottles. He really was a bit drunk. When he saw me arrive, he stopped playing cards and immediately came over to hug me. He hugged me so tightly, slightly hunching over to envelope my whole body. He stumbled a bit, burying his face in my neck, delighted like a child: “Baby, you came. You’re not mad anymore, right?” He had booked the room and called those card-playing friends himself, but he said without hesitation that he would leave with me. Those friends were unhappy, saying he had made them drink and eat dog food, and now he was abandoning them mid-game. They insisted he finish that round – if he won, then he could leave. Although I was his girlfriend, I wasn’t very familiar with his group of childhood friends. When Ethan ignored them, they ganged up to pull me over, pushing me into a seat and shoving cards into my hands, clamoring for Lucy to play in his place. I held a hand of cards, at a loss for what to do. That’s when Ethan embraced me from behind, gripping my hand holding the cards. He chuckled softly in my ear: “Don’t be nervous, Lucy. Big brother will teach you how to play.” … I had a feeling Ethan was doing this on purpose. His revenge was only just beginning. In that moment, my body tensed up. My forehead and body broke out in a sweat. Seeing this, Ethan sneered but didn’t say anything more. After finishing the round of cards, he leaned back lazily in his chair. The cold sweat on my back had barely dissipated and I still hadn’t come back to my senses when I saw him tap the table. He slowly curled his lips into a smile and looked at me: “Not feeling well? There’s a room ready upstairs. Should we go to bed?” This time, it wasn’t a whisper in my ear. He said it loud enough for everyone to hear, drawing all eyes to us. Our gazes met. His pitch-black eyes were calm and emotionless, revealing nothing. From the moment I met him, I knew what an arrogant person he was. Even after all these years, he still retained that youthful mischievousness in his bones. Knowing I was thin-skinned and cared about face, that’s why he blurted it out in front of everyone. The gazes that turned to look were complex and intertwined – probing, curious, also surprised. It seems Ethan’s behavior tonight was different from usual, making some people sense something was off. That slow-witted James finally reacted – “…I recognize you now, you’re, you’re Lucy!” His expression could be described as very shocked. Along with Lucy’s name, for some reason, the atmosphere became clearly different after he said it. The few men at the poker table, who had been waiting to see the show, also grew serious. Only the women mingling with them continued to gossip cluelessly: “Who? Who’s Lucy?” Who is Lucy? I also wanted to know, who is Lucy? Why was she appearing by Ethan’s side tonight, enduring this hot and cold treatment? She must be a pitiful and laughable person. For a moment, I seemed to see that stubborn girl from my youth again, full of self-esteem, desperately trying to distance herself from a world that didn’t belong to her. But she was an adult now, and had to follow adult rules of survival. I lowered my lashes, which trembled slightly. Then I raised my head and smiled at Ethan: “Let’s play a bit longer, Mr. Chi. No rush.” I was very calm, and he was equally calm. His dark eyes met mine, that calmness concealing a turbulent undercurrent. His thin lips pressed together. There was an emotion in his eyes that I couldn’t understand. Then his gaze swept over everyone, and he inexplicably became angry, snapping irritably: “What are you looking at her for? Damn it, look at your cards!”
The atmosphere of the second half of the card game could be described as very strange. James and the younger man next to him who had been quite talkative both stopped talking. The men and women present kept stealing glances at me, whispering amongst themselves. The other two men at the poker table held their cards, looking at Ethan as if they wanted to say something but held back. Ethan’s expression wasn’t very good. He lit cigarettes irritably, then leaned back and closed his eyes, rubbing his brow. Though his face still looked haughty as ever, for some reason I thought I detected a hint of weariness. I felt very confused and puzzled, with a growing sense of unease. Until this scene was interrupted by two women entering. I recognized them. The one wearing a cheongsam dress was called Olivia. She had long curled hair and striking features, carrying herself with grace and confidence. The other tall, slender one was called Wendy. She had a straightforward personality and was also quite arrogant. Like everyone else present, they both came from very good families. In that circle, Wendy’s family background was slightly inferior. But she was very well-known in that circle and mixed well with them. Because she was best friends with Olivia, the young lady of the Wen family. The two were inseparable. Also because Ethan’s mom really liked her and had accepted her as a goddaughter when she was young. Because of this, she always called Ethan “brother”, and their relationship was as close as real siblings. Wendy linked arms with Olivia. They were carrying several luxury shopping bags and entered laughing and chatting. She saw Ethan first and walked over with a big smile, calling out: “Brother, Olivia and I went to get our nails done. Otherwise we would have come earlier. Have you been here long? That nail salon was so slow, but the nails they did look pretty good…” The gentle Olivia beside her smiled at Ethan. But very quickly, they both stopped smiling. Because they sensed the strange atmosphere, and because they saw me. A woman’s perception and sensitivity is always much stronger than a man’s. Wendy recognized me almost instantly. First doubt, then certainty, finally shock and anger: “Lucy?! Why are you here?” “Why are you here? Who brought you?! How dare you show your face in front of my brother again, have you no shame?!” Before I could react to Wendy’s outburst, she had already walked towards me, burning with rage, ready to tear me apart. As she got close, Ethan reached out and grabbed her arm. His eyes were dark and his voice low: “I brought her.” “Brother! Have you gone crazy?! This shameless woman, why are you still bothering with her! Hasn’t she hurt you enough? Hurry up and make her leave! If she has any shame left, she should get lost now and never appear again!” Wendy’s eyes were wide with disbelief, her voice shrill with anger. I’ve always been a very even-tempered person. She should know the Lucy from before was someone who didn’t talk much. But everyone has their own dignity and bottom line. There were many onlookers, and I needed to maintain my composure, so I stood up. I didn’t look at Wendy, but turned my gaze to Ethan and said calmly: “Mr. Chi, it seems you have no intention of cooperating. I naturally don’t deserve to stand before you. It’s too noisy here, with dogs barking. So the deal is off. I’m sorry to have bothered you.” With that, I gave a slight nod, making sure I was polite enough, and turned to leave. Wendy beside me was furious, looking like she was about to rush over and not let this go. Ethan finally spoke up, stopping this farce. He said: “Lucy, don’t you want to hear it?” I paused in my steps, frowning as I looked at him: “Hear what?” “Sit down and listen. Our grievances aren’t settled. You can’t leave.” When James first said Lucy’s name, their expressions changed noticeably. I couldn’t possibly ignore that. Even though I had dumped Ethan years ago and gained some notoriety in their circle, it shouldn’t warrant such a reaction. So after some hesitation, I chose to stay. Then I listened calmly as the angry Wendy accused me, cursing me as vicious and heartless. I accepted it all, because I heard from her some past events that I didn’t know about. When I broke up with Ethan back then, I was afraid he wouldn’t let go, so I made a clean break. I changed my phone number, deleted all my social media apps, then bought a train ticket and went to stay in the Northeast for nearly two years. My cousin and his wife worked there and had settled down after buying a house. Those two years, I found a job at a small company. In my free time, I helped them take care of their child. During the Ice Sculpture Festival, I went out with my cousin and his wife to take the kids. The child hugged my neck and called me auntie. It was very cold, but life was peaceful. When the ice and snow world was colorful and dazzling, I believed I could forget Ethan and live a good life. But he couldn’t forget. When we broke up, things ended badly. He knew I was serious and panicked. But he still held out hope, thinking that after both sides cooled down for a while, he could swallow his pride and win me back. Until he discovered I had disappeared. A true farewell is always silent. This world is so big, with crowds of people. It takes so much luck for people to meet. After melting into the sea of humanity, there is no destined fate, no one you absolutely must be with. We are all so small, so after the pain, we need to learn to forget, learn to let go. But Ethan couldn’t learn. He went crazy looking for me everywhere, asking everyone around me, until finally he had an emotional breakdown while driving and got into a car accident on Peace Bridge. He was seriously injured and ended up in the TCU after emergency treatment. Later he woke up, but became depressed and couldn’t pick himself up. He asked his mom to help find me, to get me to go back and see him one last time. When I was in the Northeast, my cousin did receive a call from home one day. It was my aunt. My aunt said Ethan’s mother had contacted her, saying her son was in the hospital. My cousin asked if I wanted to go back. I thought about it and said no. Many people would say I was cold-hearted. But at the time, I really didn’t know his car accident was so serious that he had nearly lost his life. I thought he was just playing some trick again to lure me back. He had used similar tactics to trick me before. The process of giving up on someone is very painful, but I had already taken that first step. I didn’t want to give up halfway. I thought, just hold on a little longer. Hold on and he would learn to let go. Later, he really did stop trying to contact me. Two years later, Megan said Quinn had a good project in hand and asked me to come back to develop it. I thought about it and realized I really didn’t have many opportunities if I stayed in the Northeast, so I packed up and came back. This city is very big. People’s social circles are fixed. Megan, Quinn and I – we were the same type of people. The most ordinary people. Barring any accidents, the chances of Ethan and I running into each other were extremely slim. The past was in the past. Moving forward on the path ahead was most important. After coming back, I asked Megan once if Ethan had really been hospitalized back then. But Megan knew very little, because Ethan later went abroad. His family was unwilling to disclose much, and basically no one in their circle dared to gossip about it. So it wasn’t until six years later, standing here today, that I learned he had once been on the verge of death. I also learned that he later developed some kind of mood disorder, had suicidal tendencies, and went abroad for treatment for a long time. Wendy said I was a murderer, that I had no right to appear in front of her brother. Her brother had once liked me so much, but I wouldn’t even come back to see him one last time. If I had any shame left, I should leave now and never appear again. At that moment my face went white, my expression stunned. I looked at Ethan in shock, meeting his pitch-black yet calm eyes. Calm and indifferent. My eyes burned hot. Unexpectedly, tears began to fall. Wendy was right. I shouldn’t have appeared. I shouldn’t have begged him to give Brilliant Create a chance. He didn’t owe me anything. So many people present, their gazes falling on me – some mocking, some contemptuous. I tilted my head back to control the flood of tears, desperately trying to contain my emotions. But my voice still trembled slightly. I said to Ethan: “I’m sorry, Mr. Chi. I won’t appear in front of you again in the future. I’m truly very sorry. Please take care of yourself.” With that, I bowed deeply to him. As I was leaving, passing by his side, Ethan stood up. He grabbed my arm. I looked up at him. He had a smile on his lips, tinged with some indescribable meaning. He pushed me to sit in his chair, standing beside me tall and straight. Then he slowly adjusted his shirt cuff. He was so gentlemanly and calm. His hand with distinct knuckles rested on my shoulder as he bent down to say to me: “Lucy, I said our grievances aren’t settled yet.” His uniquely low voice carried a trace of chilling coldness. My hands involuntarily clenched my skirt as I calculated whether I should try to call the police. Until he straightened up, his gaze turning to Wendy, and said unhurriedly: “You still remember I liked her?” Wendy was confused: “Brother…” “Since you know I liked her, why did you bully her back then?”
Ethan’s words stunned everyone. I also stared at him in shock, my eyes full of surprise. His hand rested not too heavily on my shoulder. He actually reached up to stroke my face, then looked down at me, his eyes soft: “You endured so much hardship. Why didn’t you say anything back then? What did you take me for?” “Ethan…” “Brother!” My voice and Wendy’s cries rang out almost simultaneously. The former anxious and uneasy, the latter tearful and furious: “Brother, who’s been feeding you nonsense? Who bullied her?! Can’t you see what kind of person she is yet? She can’t even compare to Olivia’s little finger. Don’t let her fool you again…” “No need to worry about it.” Ethan cut off her words. His tone was light, but somehow chillingly cold: “Wendy, Mrs. Chi only jokingly said she would accept you as a goddaughter when you were little. She never actually meant it. Your family was the one desperately trying to climb the social ladder.” “Since there are so many people here today, let’s make things clear. The Chi family only has one son – me. I don’t have any sisters, adopted or otherwise. Let’s forget about how you’ve been showing off in the past. From now on, don’t mention the Chi family at all, and don’t appear in front of me or my mother again. Do you understand?” “Brother…” “Also, stay far away from Lucy whenever you see her in the future. Got it?” “Brother…” Wendy’s face turned pale. She stared in disbelief, her makeup ruined by tears. Her body was shaking. Because she knew what this meant. Ethan had told everyone in their circle that from now on, the Chi family was cutting ties with her family. Wendy would not only lose face, but would find it very difficult to continue socializing in that circle. “Ethan! You’ve gone too far!” Olivia, who had been standing beside Wendy the whole time, finally couldn’t hold back. Her eyes rimmed with red, her voice both disappointed and angry: “For this woman who almost killed you, you’re even disowning Wendy? After all these years, how has she treated you? How have we treated you? How can you do this?” “How I act is none of your business.” “You…” “What’s your relationship to me? Even your dad doesn’t have the right to say much when he comes to our house. Olivia, count yourself lucky I’m not causing you trouble. If we really fall out, it won’t be good for you.” Ethan’s features were sharp and fierce. From the moment I met him, he always had that angular face. Back in school, he often got into fights. I had seen many sides of him. But I had never seen this – the mature man he had grown into, polite and cultured, saying the gentlest words in the calmest tone. Those gentle words made Olivia’s face change instantly. She stood there frozen, unable to say another word. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Under everyone’s watchful eyes, without saying another word or looking at anyone, he pushed open the door and brazenly led me out. There really was a room ready upstairs. The high-end club was luxurious and magnificent. When the lights in the room turned on, it was a bit dazzling for a moment. Before I could adjust to the brightness, I was pinned against the cabinet. He pressed against me, his lips covering mine. Ethan had a tall, straight build that made me seem especially small and thin. 继续翻译 🤖 工作流 I’ll continue the translation from where we left off: In his shadow, my hands didn’t know what to do, finding nowhere to rest. He cupped my face and kissed me roughly, without any tenderness. Fierce and cruel, biting so hard it hurt terribly. My tears instantly fell. After a long while, he let go of me and stepped back. His dark eyes were as unfathomable as the deep sea, concealing a turbulent undercurrent. “Now, it’s time to settle our accounts.” His voice was hoarse, his lips as red as blood. Then he raised his hand to unbutton his shirt. I heard the clear sound of buttons being undone in the silent room. The lights were too bright. I could see every expression on his face clearly. Complicated, angry, hiding hatred, and hiding sorrow… The gloomy and fierce aura reached its peak as his shirt was fully unbuttoned. I lowered my head, trembling slightly, not daring to look into his eyes. Nor daring to look at him. He grabbed my hand. I cried out in fear instinctively: “Ethan!” “Hmm?” His low voice contained no emotion. He had already pulled my hand over, slowly placing it on his chest. My gaze followed involuntarily. Under the open shirt, where there should have been firm, rugged muscles, there were surgical scars. The abdominal muscles were clearly defined, and on the sternum stretching upwards, the scars looked like a bunch of hideous worms. He had one hand propped against the cabinet, trapping me in a small space. Looking down at me condescendingly, his expression weary, his voice detached – “Take a good look. Look at my fractured bones, feel the steel plates and nails in my body, then look at these ugly scars…” “Lucy, the pain of broken ribs was exactly like the feeling of you tearing yourself out of my life. I was in so much pain I thought I would die. What about you? Did you ever feel any pain?” I couldn’t speak a word, only my trembling body and sobbing remained. The hand resting on his body wanted to trace those scars, but was roughly pushed away by him. He laughed, stepped back a few paces, and started buttoning up his open shirt one by one. “From now on, we’re even.” His voice was so cold, brushing past my ear like an icy wind sweeping across a vast wilderness, making one shiver. I looked up at him with red eyes: “Ethan, I never liked anyone else.” “I know. Nathan was your cousin. Your dad had passed away, so he came to see you at school. That’s why you cried in his arms.” Ethan calmly stated, his gaze falling on me: “Lucy, if I hadn’t known this, I wouldn’t have lived to see today.” “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Finally, I broke down, covering my face as I crouched on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. I cried for a long while before Ethan slowly crouched down in front of me, his gaze calm as he looked at me: “I said just now that we’re even from here on out.” “Lucy, it took me a very long time to understand one thing – the reason we drifted apart had nothing to do with love.” “I know you never liked anyone else. You’ve been alone all these years. So have I. Even today, I still have you in my heart. So from beginning to end, our feelings never missed each other.” “What was wrong was you and me – two incompatible people. When I loved you, I never understood the anxiety hidden in your heart. I didn’t understand your self-esteem. While you were trying to put on a brave face for your life, I was like an idiot, not understanding anything.” “Forgive me, Lucy. I was too young back then. I thought loving someone with all my heart was enough. It wasn’t until later that I understood how shallow that love was.” “Ethan…” “For a long time, I hated you. You had no one else in your heart, yet you insisted on pushing me away. It made it even harder for me to accept. Until a girl told me that I probably never truly understood you. The last straw doesn’t break the camel’s back – you must have been extremely disappointed to push me away so resolutely.” “But Lucy, even if that love was shallow, I did give it unreservedly. I completely opened my heart to you. Did I not even deserve the chance for you to look back at me one last time?” “Yes, I’m so sorry. I really didn’t know it was that serious. I thought you were tricking me…” Crying uncontrollably, I looked at Ethan through my tears. His eyes were also red-rimmed. He laughed, his voice choked with emotion, utterly disappointed – “Did you ever think about what if it was real? What if I died and never woke up again? What then? Would you regret it?” “You never thought about it. You weren’t even willing to give me that one in ten thousand chance. So in your heart, what did I amount to?” “Lucy, you didn’t give me a chance. Now I don’t want to look back either. Dongming will interface with your company. We don’t need to see each other again in the future.” “I’ve repaid what I owed you.”
When Ethan left, the door opened and a young woman was standing outside. Just like me back then, she had a makeup-free baby face and bright eyes. She also had shallow dimples and was very pretty. Her surname was Pitt, and she was Ocean’s CEO assistant. Little Zoe was neat and efficient, looking especially good in her professional attire. Her voice was soft and pleasant. She looked at Ethan with eyes full of anxiety – “Boss, are you going home?” Ethan left without looking back. Little Zoe glanced at me, then quickly caught up to his footsteps, reaching out to hold his hand. He didn’t refuse. The two of them made a perfect match from behind. I remembered the industry cocktail party a month ago. Initially we wanted to collaborate with Mr. Xu from Yongfeng. I negotiated with him for a week, but that old fox just wouldn’t budge. To try to win him over, I went with him to that cocktail party. I followed him the whole way, talking about our project and prospects. Finally he got a bit annoyed and said to me: “I said I wanted to sign a valuation adjustment mechanism agreement, but you’re not willing. So there’s nothing more to discuss. Your company does have potential, but the financing is no small amount. Everyone is just looking out for their own interests. Why don’t you go ask Dongming if they’re willing to invest? What a joke.” That day, Ethan was also at the cocktail party. Mr. Xu spotted him immediately. Thinking I didn’t know him, he probably had some malicious intent when he said to me: “See that? That’s CEO Chi from Ocean. Young and accomplished. Let me introduce you. Go talk to him and see if he’s willing to give you the time of day.” At that moment, I already had a bad feeling. But Mr. Xu had already called out: “CEO Chi!” Then after six years, under his introduction, I met Ethan for the first time. He wore an expensive suit, impeccably dressed, his attitude distant and cold. I was disheveled, my words awkward. It was a very undignified reunion. Just like six years ago, when we broke up in an undignified way. That day I felt very embarrassed and wanted to leave quickly. But as I was leaving, at a corner of the hotel, I saw that assistant Zoe. I don’t know why, but her eyes were red from crying. Ethan had his back to me, holding her in his arms, softly comforting her. A perfect match. Little Zoe’s eyes were red, her face also flushed. She must be a very good girl. Ethan had finally learned to let go. Leaving the club, I took a taxi. The driver asked where I wanted to go. Aimlessly, I went to a shopping street near Central Tower. The city hadn’t changed much. The old street was close to the night market, still a place young people loved to hang out. It was very late. Some shop owners were closing up. A noodle stand set up outside a shop at the end was still open. There weren’t many customers. The owner was very enthusiastic, telling me their sour soup beef noodles were delicious, only $22 a bowl. I asked if they had old-style soup noodles for $3 a bowl. The owner was stunned for a moment, then smiled and said: “Wait a sec, I’ll make it for you.” I received a call from Megan. She said urgently: “Lucy! Did you go find Ethan? I told you to forget it. We don’t need the company anymore, we don’t need to do the project. Worst case, Quinn and I will rent a place to get married and slowly pay off our debts. I’m willing to spend a lifetime paying it back! Come back quickly!” “Megan, he agreed.” “What?” Megan on the other end of the phone couldn’t believe it: “What did you do?” “Nothing.” “I don’t believe you. If you got it by sacrificing your dignity, I’d rather not have it.” “Really, he didn’t make any demands.” “Impossible.” “It’s true.” I thought for a moment, then added: “Well, not completely without conditions. He said, from now on we’re even.” That’s good enough, really. After all, when I broke up with him back then, what I wanted was a clean break, for us both to be well. I was eating noodles with my head down when a nearby accessory shop that hadn’t closed yet caught my eye, its lights glittering. The speakers placed at the entrance played a song that echoed through the quiet night streets – You say this scenery is like a painting I see your wandering heart and mind Don’t listen to me speak anymore Take off all your disguises Can you hear me crying? You probably can’t hear anyway You’re like a white horse Escaping carefree Let me take a careful look at your appearance Counting down the final moments before the curtain falls Forgive me for falling silent too early Do you know, graceful one, that I am covered in wounds … The noodles were too hot, really too hot. I ate hurriedly, tears dripping silently into the bowl. I thought of little Lucy from childhood. If her final exam results were good, her dad would bring her here to eat a bowl of old-style soup noodles. Those noodles were so fragrant. Steaming hot, with her dad’s smiling face visible through the mist. In this life, there really aren’t many good times we can look back on. Some people’s encounters are probably destined to be a tragedy from the very beginning. Just like when I met Ethan at 16 years old, I was going through the darkest period of my life. That year, my dad became a vegetable after a car accident. The hit-and-run driver escaped. That year, my mom took me to the paper mill where my dad worked to demand the boss pay the overdue wages. Nine thousand two hundred and thirty dollars. For that nine thousand two hundred and thirty dollars, she took me to live and sleep in the paper mill office, laying out a mat, blocking the boss for several days. I was in my first year of high school then, with good grades. I was the study committee member in my class. A quiet, well-behaved girl who viewed studying as very important. I softly said to my mom: “I only asked for two days off from school. I want to go tell the teacher.” She cursed at me: “School? What school?! Your dad is half dead and you’re still thinking about school? If we don’t get the money, how are you going to school?!” My mom’s name was Cathy. She was a bad-tempered, cold and selfish person. Also a very terrible person. From a young age, I grew up amid my parents’ endless arguments. Mom complained that dad was useless and didn’t earn much. Dad complained that mom played mahjong all day, neglecting the child and not cooking. A child raised in a very ordinary family where the parents don’t love each other is bound to be sensitive and starved for affection. It wasn’t until much, much later that I learned Cathy was on her second marriage to my dad. Of course I was her biological daughter, but I wasn’t her only child. She was a woman who had abandoned her family and children before. Back then she left behind a pair of children, met my dad by chance on a train, and followed him off directly. It’s said her two children are still in a remote mountain village to this day, where kids as young as a few years old have to carry baskets on their backs to work in the fields, dressed in rags. She was tired of poverty, so she followed my dad, originally wanting to live a good life in the big city. Unfortunately my dad was just an ordinary worker at a suburban paper mill who hadn’t even managed to find a wife yet. She gradually became resentful, cursing my dad for deceiving her. When I was in kindergarten, she developed a mahjong addiction, and it was all downhill from there. She was rarely home, and when she did come back it was just to ask for money. Besides working, my dad did all the housework. The relationship was long gone. The only reason they were still living together was because my dad said: “She’s still your mom after all. Having a mom is better than not having one.” But it was this mom who, in the year I turned 16, took me to surround the paper mill boss. When she got the chance, she blocked his car like a madwoman, messing up her own hair, pulling open her shirt to expose her chest, wailing and calling for everyone to come look. She used this attention-grabbing method to cry and complain: “We can’t go on living! My husband is in that state, and they’re still withholding our wages. They’re forcing us mother and daughter to our deaths…” The boss in the car urged the driver to leave, not wanting to deal with her. Seeing this, she directly pulled me in front of the car and took out a bottle of pesticide from her bag. That pesticide bottle contained paraquat she had bought from somewhere. I was already in high school, so of course I knew what this meant. I struggled in terror, crying and shouting non-stop: “Mom! Mom! Don’t!” She was so strong, like a madwoman, forcibly prying open my mouth and raising the bottle to pour it in. “You’re forcing us to die! We’ll die right here in front of you all today…” The boss in the car finally got scared. He hurriedly got out: “Ma’am! Let’s talk this over! We’ll go to accounting to get the money right now.” Cathy was satisfied and went with them to get the money. I knelt in the paper mill, crying loudly, vomiting non-stop, sticking my fingers down my throat. She had poured some in. I had heard my grandma say before that paraquat was an extremely toxic pesticide. Once ingested, there was no chance of survival. It would be an agonizing death. I was so, so scared. I cried and vomited, my whole body shaking uncontrollably. Until Cathy came out smiling with the money. She kicked me irritably, cursing: “You won’t die. That was just water in there. Look at how useless you are, not even good for this!” Cathy was my mom. My biological mother. But after getting that nine thousand two hundred and thirty dollars back, she didn’t spend a cent on me. She was addicted to playing mahjong and still rarely came home. For clothes and shoes when the seasons changed, and fees the school required, her response was always the same: “Go ask your aunt! With your dad in that state, you should be thankful I haven’t left!” She wanted me to go to my aunt for everything. She even wanted to dump my bedridden father with no one to care for him onto my aunt’s family. The thing she said most often was: “Lucy, you should be grateful. If I left, you wouldn’t even be able to go to school. You’d have to drop out to take care of your dad at home.” She was right. My grandma was elderly and had always been cared for by my aunt. My aunt’s family wasn’t well-off and had their hands full. My cousin’s college living expenses all came from his own part-time work during breaks. My dad was my responsibility and duty, not anyone else’s. That’s why I was a day student throughout high school. On weekends and holidays I was basically always at home, doing laundry and cooking, helping massage and clean my dad. Unless absolutely necessary, I didn’t dare ask my aunt for money. Because I was afraid my uncle would object. So for years I wore my school uniform. When other classmates were comparing shoes, I wore the same $30 canvas shoes until they fell apart. It was under these circumstances that I met Ethan. In the first semester of 11th grade, he transferred to Jia Lewis High School. The reason for his transfer was reportedly because he was a troublemaker, difficult to manage at school. He had beaten up the disciplinary teacher. His family was rich and powerful. After the incident was settled, his parents decided to transfer him. The principal of our school was an old acquaintance of his parents. This also led to Ethan adapting very quickly after coming to Jia Lewis. Oh no, he didn’t need to adapt at all. Someone like Ethan was arrogant and unruly. His sharp, handsome features were distinct and angular. His thin lips curled slightly, youthful and spirited, like he was backlit, dazzlingly eye-catching. The teacher arranged for him to sit next to me, thinking that since my grades were good, I could help tutor him a bit. He didn’t need any tutoring at all. His books were pristine and clean, showing he had no intention of studying. The boys in our class and even the school who didn’t have good grades quickly became friends with him, calling him “Brother Ethan” and “Boss”. The girls also all liked him. The prettiest and proudest girl in our class, Janie, was always smiling and chatting with him. All the teachers and students in the whole school liked him. During breaks, the boys would gather outside the classroom chattering, asking him why he beat up the disciplinary teacher at his previous school. He lazily raised an eyebrow, smiling mischievously: “That old bastard had double standards. When boys misbehaved, he’d scold them on the spot. But for girl students, he insisted on calling them to his office and even closed the door. I couldn’t stand for it, so I kicked the door open…” …
Ethan and I became desk mates, but we didn’t speak to each other for the entire first half of the semester. He didn’t like studying. After class he was basically never at his seat. I focused intently on the lessons, always listening attentively without distraction. He even had people help him with homework. During self-study periods he was either napping at his desk or skipping class to go to internet cafes. Oh, and people were always coming to chat with him, making a racket. That day during self-study, he wasn’t there. I had stayed up late the night before and was a bit sleepy, so I put my head down on the desk for a while. I don’t know how long it was, but when I drowsily opened my eyes, I met a pair of eyes staring right at me. Ethan had returned at some point and was lying on the desk facing me, also napping. But he hadn’t closed his eyes. His messy black hair, thick brows and long lashes, deep eyes as bright as stars. He stared at me motionlessly. When our eyes met, I was startled, but he didn’t flinch. He pushed his tongue against his cheek and said lazily: “There’s an eyelash on your face.” This was the first thing he ever said to me. I instinctively reached up, quickly looking in the small mirror on my pencil case to remove the eyelash. At the same time, I softly said: “Thank you.” He laughed, propping his head up with one hand while rapidly twirling a pen with the other. His voice was full of interest: “You’re welcome, desk mate.” Afterwards, I blushed and didn’t dare look at him, opening my textbook instead. I was an honest child. All my energy in life was devoted to studying. Top of the class, top few in the grade, everyone had high hopes for me. Except for my mom Cathy. She neglected me completely, focused solely on mahjong. If she could spare the time to come home and check on my dad, it was already her greatest kindness to me. My aunt often said: “For a family like ours, going to school is your only way out.” My cousin also said: “People at the bottom of society don’t have many chances to change their fate. Education and work are crucial.” So I kept myself tightly wound, burning the midnight oil throughout high school. I lived such a tiring life, but also full of hope, longing for fortunes to turn and to escape this sea of suffering. Ethan was an unexpected intruder in my life. I rarely spoke to him, but he started paying attention to me intentionally or unintentionally. When it got cold, I wore an old sweater under my school uniform that was a bit frayed. In class when he was bored, he noticed the loose threads under my clothes and reached out to pull at them. Coming from a wealthy family, even his shoes cost thousands of dollars. He probably didn’t understand the significance of those threads. By the time we both realized something was wrong, he had a bunch of yarn wrapped around his hand, and the sweater under my uniform was shorter. He said awkwardly: “Sorry.” I blushed: “It’s okay.” A week later, I came to school and found a shopping bag stuffed in my desk. When I opened it, it was a new pink sweater, price tag still attached. I panicked terribly for a moment and stuffed the bag into his desk. After class started, he discovered it and leaned closer to me, lowering his voice to ask: “Is the size wrong? I had my mom buy it at the mall.” I felt my ears burning, extremely embarrassed: “No need.” “What do you mean no need? You can’t wear that old one anymore.” “Really, no need. Thank you.” He raised an eyebrow, about to say more, but I had already silently distanced myself from him, staring intently at the blackboard. Ethan chuckled softly. Afterwards, I witnessed his domineering side for the first time. After school when I had almost reached the gates, he called out to me amid the crowd: “Lucy! Lucy!” I turned back in shock. He smiled at me, walked over and directly stuffed the bag with the sweater into my hands: “Desk mate, you forgot your clothes.” After that, rumors started spreading in class that Ethan was pursuing me and had bought me a sweater. I felt very anxious. For a well-behaved good student, dating was like a raging flood or ferocious beast. Fortunately, because my grades were so good and I was favored by the teachers, no one in class gossiped about me. I only overheard Janie asking Ethan acidly: “What do you like about Lucy anyway? Isn’t she just good at studying?” Ethan laughed and asked in return: “Isn’t being good at studying enough?” “But she’s like a dummy.” “You’re the dummy. Lucy isn’t a dummy, she’s well-behaved.” So the whole school found out that Ethan liked the well-behaved girl Lucy. When the rumors spread, it caused me some trouble. But it was just trouble. I learned to turn a deaf ear. When Ethan tried to talk to me, I deliberately kept my distance and rarely responded. He got the hint and gradually returned to how we were before. In the second semester of 11th grade, my homeroom teacher found me and said the school cafeteria had two work-study positions available. She asked if I was willing to do it. She knew about my situation. She had always helped me apply for the school’s special hardship subsidies. At that age, every girl wants to save face. But I couldn’t afford to. I needed money. I wanted to get a pair of glasses for my nearsightedness, because I was starting to have trouble seeing the blackboard clearly. So every day at lunch, another senior boy and I would put on duty armbands and start collecting trays in the school cafeteria. It was really just an hour and a half. The huge cafeteria was bustling and crowded during lunch time, people packed in like sardines. When I encountered classmates, no matter what kind of looks they gave me, I remained silent, learning to accept it. Lucy’s life had taught her to bow her head to reality long ago. Not only did I do work-study at school, during winter and summer breaks I often had my cousin help me find part-time jobs. I worked at a fast food place in the clothing market, at an underground arcade in the city center, handed out flyers, and occasionally bought some small toys wholesale to sell to kids in the park on holiday evenings. I was very hardworking and used to hardship. So in the school cafeteria, when a boy deliberately threw his leftover tray at me, splattering me with soup, I said nothing. But unexpectedly, Ethan saw this. He got angry and walked straight over, pressing down on that boy’s head and sternly said: “Apologize to her!” Ethan was a troublemaker, but that boy was no pushover either. He immediately cursed: “Apologize my ass!” Enraged, Ethan kicked him. The cafeteria tables and chairs toppled over. Then the cafeteria descended into chaos. That boy was no match for the group. He and his few companions were beaten black and blue. I stood to the side shaking with fear, watching Ethan viciously beat people. I went to stop him with tears in my eyes – “Stop fighting! Please stop!” Later, along with me, we were all called to the disciplinary office. I kept crying, wiping away tears between sobs. Ethan stood to the side, his voice somewhat urgent for some reason: “Don’t cry, Lucy. It’s okay, it has nothing to do with you. Don’t worry.” I was very scared and also a bit resentful towards him: “Who told you to fight?!” “He bullied you. Shouldn’t I have hit him?” “I don’t care. Who asked you to interfere?” “I care. I can’t watch others bully you.” In their eyes, the young Lucy must have been an ungrateful person. But at that time, I really did resent Ethan quite a bit. I was honest and introverted, focused solely on studying. I really didn’t want to cause trouble. I was more afraid of it reaching Cathy’s ears and her cursing at me with vulgar language. Fortunately, that incident didn’t blow up. Later, Ethan and I were called to the principal’s office together. I heard with my own ears Ethan call the principal “Uncle Li”. I also saw the usually stern-faced principal snort and turn his gaze to me, scolding Ethan: “You little brat, you’re really something. Fighting and puppy love – you’ve got it all covered.” “Don’t wrongly accuse me. I admit to the fighting, but puppy love? Do you have any evidence?” “The evidence is standing right here. What more do you want?” “Don’t say that, uncle. Lucy is a good student with great grades.” “Nonsense. If she wasn’t a good student, I would have called both your parents in already.” “No need for that trouble. Just call my parents over. See if the school needs anything else donated?” “You cheeky brat, all smiles. Let me tell you, you can misbehave yourself, but don’t drag others down with you. If her grades slip, I’ll give you a good thrashing.” “Alright then. If she gets first in the grade, don’t you owe me some kind of reward?”
The whole school found out about me and Ethan. Our homeroom teacher at the time was a very young female teacher. She specifically talked to me, her words all cautioning me that as a girl, I was different from Ethan. Girls are destined to bear more on their growth journey than boys. Especially given my family background. I was extremely grateful to her. She told me clearly that I couldn’t take shortcuts, because I had no way out. All my hopes rested on myself. Every step in life was crucial. I shouldn’t get off the train before reaching the final destination. I kept her words in mind, telling her with tears in my eyes: “Teacher, please believe me. I’m not dating him.” Of course she believed me, because when she talked to me, Ethan had also talked to her. He was always so unrestrained, with the confidence to speak his mind: “Teacher, don’t give Lucy a hard time. I’m the one pursuing her, she hasn’t responded. She’s very thin-skinned, don’t make her cry.” Afterwards, I stopped paying any attention to Ethan. The summer before senior year was exceptionally long. On my cousin’s recommendation, I went to work a summer job at an arcade in the city. My cousin was a junior in college then. One of his female classmates was also working part-time there, so we worked together. We worked 4-5 hours a day and could go home by 8pm. I didn’t expect to see Ethan there. He wasn’t alone. There were three boys and a girl with him, playing arcade games together. He saw me when I was helping someone exchange game tokens. He walked over to me, very surprised but also delighted: “Lucy, why are you here?” The arcade was very noisy and I was busy, so I just smiled vaguely at him: “Part-time job.” He didn’t say anything more, probably realizing his question was unnecessary. The girl who came with him wore a pretty tank top and shorts, with a high ponytail. She ran over happily and linked arms with him – “Brother, we’re out of tokens. Let’s exchange some more.” “How much?” “James and the others need some too. Let’s get 500 for now.” That day, they exchanged a total of 1000 dollars worth of game tokens. I worked part-time at the arcade all summer and only earned 1000 dollars in wages. After Ethan found out I was working there, he came by often. At first he came with a group of friends, but later he started coming alone. I didn’t pay much attention to him, so he would wait for me outside when I got off work every day. My cousin’s female classmate even teased me: “Lucy, your boyfriend is quite handsome.” I hurriedly explained with a red face: “It’s not like that. We’re just regular classmates.” Afterwards I told Ethan: “Don’t come anymore.” He said: “It’s too late. It’s not safe for a girl to go home alone. Let me walk you.” I said I didn’t need that. He didn’t insist, but asked if I wanted to go see the night view from Ocean Tower. I said no thanks. “Then how about browsing the night market nearby?” He was so annoying, coming every day. Once I caught him squatting by the exit smoking. Our eyes met. He was startled for a moment, then stood up and put out the cigarette. I sighed lightly: “I know you guys smoke in secret at school.” He smiled at that, hands in his pockets, and asked me: “Want to go to Ocean Tower today? Or browse the night market nearby?” That night I figured I had some time, so I went to the night market with him. He was quite happy, pestering me the whole way, asking what I wanted to eat or buy. He said he’d get it for me. We ate shaved ice at a stall. I finally said what I had been wanting to say: “Please don’t come anymore. I’m begging you. You’re causing me a lot of trouble this way.” “What trouble? I’m not asking you to date me. Can’t we just be good friends?” “We can’t even be good friends.” He stared at me intently, his messy long hair revealing a hint of rebelliousness. His voice was also a bit annoyed: “Why not?” “It’s not appropriate. We’re different.” I said softly. “How are we different? Am I human and you’re not?” “I don’t need friends. I just want to study hard.” “Heh, what kind of talk is that? Even if you dated me, it wouldn’t affect you getting into college. I could even supervise your studying.” “Why can’t you understand? Stop pestering me from now on.” I was a bit angry. I stopped eating the shaved ice and got up to leave. Ethan chased after me, following me to the bus stop. He watched me get on the bus, his expression somewhat helpless. I was really exhausted every day and had no time to deal with him. After the bus reached the last stop, I still had to go get my bicycle and ride for about 15 minutes to get home. When I got home, my mom usually wasn’t there. I had to feed my dad, check if he had a bowel movement, help turn him over, and give him a wipe down. After taking care of all that, it was already very late. I still had to wash up, find time to read, and review materials. My nearsightedness had gotten worse again. I really needed glasses. I was like a snail carrying its shell on its back, needing to crawl and crawl, moving forward under a heavy burden, to slowly reach where I wanted to go. Ethan was from another world. He wouldn’t understand. On the last day of my summer job, I rode my bicycle home as usual. At the entrance to my apartment complex, I saw a man waiting there. Because it was an old neighborhood, that section by the building entrance had no streetlights. But I recognized him -I’ll continue the translation: his name was Howard, and he was the owner of a mahjong parlor. I knew everything – not long after my dad’s accident, he had become Cathy’s lover. He was married with grown children. Cathy willingly went with him because he gave her money to spend. He had given me money to spend too. Once when I forgot my house key and went to the mahjong parlor to find Cathy, he saw me and smiled: “Lucy’s all grown up now. I heard from your mom that you get really good grades. Here, uncle will give you 200 dollars to buy study materials.” I had never called him uncle, nor had I taken his money. Cathy scolded me for being impolite, saying I was an idiot for not taking money when offered. I hated Howard. He wasn’t a good person. His smile always made me feel uneasy. So when I saw him at the building entrance that instant, I immediately became wary and didn’t approach. He walked towards me, smiling: “Lucy, come here. Uncle has some living expenses for you.” He took out a wad of cash, moving to hand it to me. I threw down my bicycle and ran. I ran so fast, not knowing if he was chasing me or not. Fear and panic made tears instantly stream down my face. I ran until I reached the main road outside and crashed into someone. I screamed in terror. That person grabbed my shoulders and said urgently: “What’s wrong, Lucy? What happened?” It was Ethan. I stared at him with wide eyes, taking a moment to come back to my senses before crying: “Why are you here?” “To walk you home. It’s so late, I was worried about you going alone.” Only then did I notice there was a taxi parked by the road. Ethan had been following me for a long time. Even after I warned him not to pester me, he still came to the arcade every night. He would wait for me to get off work, let me get on the bus, then take a taxi following behind. He’d drop me off at the entrance to my neighborhood, then have the driver turn around and go back. Actually, the road I took home was very safe. There were always people around, even food stalls set up at night. Only the area right by my building had no streetlights. If I hadn’t run into Howard, there wouldn’t have been any danger. That night Ethan went with me to get my bicycle. Howard was already gone. I invited him to eat at a roadside food stall. He was very happy, kept saying the food was delicious. In the end he insisted on paying the bill himself. Two stir-fry dishes and flatbread, over 30 dollars. He gave the owner 50 and said keep the change. Then he walked me back home. At the building entrance, he asked again: “What really happened? Was it really just a cat that scared you?” I nodded, never telling him what actually happened. It was too shameful. How could I tell him that my mom’s lover had ambushed me outside my home? To me, Ethan was just an ordinary male classmate after all. Later he left and I went home. Before going inside, I was still thinking about how to tell Cathy about this. She wasn’t a good mother, but I believed she wouldn’t be so heartless as to ignore this. But I never imagined that when I opened the door, I would see Howard sitting on our couch smoking. Cathy was there too, of course. The weather was hot. The ceiling fan spun with a creaky sound, but the air was still stuffy, permeated with the smell of smoke and an unpleasant odor. Cathy had just showered. Her hair was still dripping. The tank top stretched tight across her plump arms, her chest spilling out. She was drying her hair with a towel. When she saw me, she barely raised an eyebrow: “You’re back?” I was honest and introverted. She had a bad temper and had either hit or scolded me since I was little. It was she who made me understand that there really are mothers in this world who don’t love their children. She only loved herself, so naturally I didn’t love her either. I had already tried my best to tolerate her, treating her like a stranger. The neighbors all knew about her affair with the mahjong parlor owner. I could endure the pointing and whispering, but I couldn’t tolerate her bringing him home. Especially when my dad was still lying in bed. For the first time, I lost my temper and yelled at them: “Get out! Both of you get out!” Cathy was stunned at first. She had always been hot-tempered. Without a word, she threw down the towel and rushed over to shove me: “Who are you yelling at? Telling who to get out?! You little bitch, what’s gotten into you? When did you grow such an attitude?” “I’m telling you to get out! Both of you get out!” That day, Cathy grabbed my hair and pushed me to the ground, beating me. Seeing this, Howard came over to pull her off. He pulled her away, then reached out to hug me. He seemed to be trying to help me up, but his disgusting hands were groping my back. I kicked at him wildly. He grabbed my ankle. “Hey, this little girl is hard to discipline.” The two of them against me alone. Later I ran to the kitchen and came out with a knife. Cathy cursed and swore as she changed clothes and left with Howard. I cried as I called my aunt, telling her everything that happened. That night my aunt and uncle both came over. They took me to confront Cathy at the mahjong parlor in our neighborhood. There was a big scene. Cathy acted like a shrew, pointing at my aunt and cursing, telling her to take her brother away if she had the ability. My aunt was shaking with anger. She told Cathy to hurry up and get a divorce. As long as she divorced, we wouldn’t need her to take care of my dad. She could do whatever shameless things she wanted without being related to us. Cathy sneered: “Kicking me out? Fine, give me the house. Take the big one and the little one to your place.” In the end, it was all about that crappy two-bedroom apartment. There were rumors it was slated for demolition and redevelopment. After the confrontation, as my aunt was leaving she was still cursing: “You want the house but not the people? Dream on! As long as you don’t divorce, you have to take care of him. However long he’s bedridden, that’s how long you’ll serve him. When he dies I’ll still come looking for you!” You see, how can this kind of thing be sorted out? Calling my aunt was useless, and reporting to the police was useless too. The only good thing about making a scene was that Cathy wouldn’t easily bring people home anymore. The bad thing was, she started finding opportunities to curse at me with snide remarks: “Shameless girl. Your Uncle Howard saw you coming home late and kindly went downstairs to meet you. Are you so desperate for a man that you accused him of ambushing you? How much are those two ounces of meat on you worth? Disgusting.” She had said even worse, more vulgar things. That year I was 17, a thin-skinned girl who broke down multiple times from her cursing. My dad had only been bedridden for two years, but for a moment I actually hoped he would hurry up and die. If he died, I could be free. I could live in the school dorms and never have to come back to see Cathy again. As soon as that thought occurred, tears streamed down my face. I used a warm towel to wipe my dad’s face and hands while repeatedly apologizing: “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry dad, I didn’t mean that…” I had grown up under his care since childhood. He would take me to buy candied hawthorns and eat old-style soup noodles, pick me up from school… He was just an ordinary, kind-hearted father. Maybe if a miracle happened, he could even regain consciousness. Yet I, as his child, had the vicious thought of wishing this paralyzed patient would hurry up and die. If he died, I wouldn’t have to worry during class about whether Cathy had gone home at noon, whether she had fed him water and food, helped him sit up for a bit, or cleaned him if he was incontinent… There are no filial children by a long sickbed. When it really comes down to it, you realize everyone is just an ordinary person.
In senior year, I finally got the prescription glasses I needed. I threw myself into even more intense studying. Ethan also became more and more blatant. He started bringing me milk every morning, taking it out of his jacket still warm. The boys in class would tease him. He’d furrow his brow and kick at them: “Get lost!” I never understood why a boy like him would like me. Until after we got together, I once asked him this question. He laughed: “You’re different.” I looked at him, and he explained further: “After we became desk mates, you didn’t say a word to me for half a semester. I wondered if this girl was mute. You spoke up plenty in class, so I thought maybe I had offended you somehow.” “Then I observed and found that you didn’t really talk to anyone, but you had good grades and the teachers liked you. I also noticed you had a standard baby face, obedient to a fault. When you glanced over during self-study, your eyes were so timid. My heart started racing, pounding like crazy. I thought, oh no, not only do the teachers like you, I think I like you too…” He wasn’t telling the whole truth. Besides liking me, he also pitied me at first. Everyone in class knew that Lucy the study committee member came from a poor family and her father was a vegetative patient. When collecting class fees, the teacher would always say: “Lucy doesn’t need to pay. Her family’s circumstances are difficult.” The teacher meant well. But in those moments I would always lower my head, my face burning. Because I had overheard Janie and others gossiping: “The teacher just plays favorites. She’s not the only one with difficult circumstances. It’s just because her grades are good. Always acting so pitiful, pretending to be a pig to eat the tiger.” I think Ethan’s fondness must have been built on pity too. Otherwise he wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to be nice to me. Secretly adding money to my meal card, stuffing chocolates in my desk. He even looked up my information and bought me a pair of brand name shoes for my birthday. I felt ashamed. It was that deep-seated kind of shame. Because I knew the canvas shoes on my feet were falling apart. He secretly put the shoes in my bicycle basket after school. When I went to return them to him, my eyes were already red… It was unbearable. In class, he leaned close to me again, lowering his voice to ask – “Lucy, how bad is your nearsightedness? Where did you get your glasses?” “…Why?” “Your glasses look pretty good. I was thinking of asking if people without nearsightedness can wear them too.” “Why would you wear them if you don’t need them?” “No reason. Just want to match you a bit.” Ethan was always like this, so blatant. I was terrified, afraid the classmates in front and behind would hear. I looked at him with a red face, only to see the young man’s open and frank eyes. He raised his thick brows and grinned at me. He was undoubtedly passionate, always fearless. But I couldn’t bear this passion. I said to him: “Do you really like me that much?” When I asked, my voice was very low and my face was burning hot. He was stunned for a moment, looking around as if suddenly feeling guilty. He leaned in close over the desk to look at me, his ears turning red: “You’re being so direct all of a sudden. You’re making me embarrassed.” “Really, Lucy. I really do like you. I swear.” During self-study, his pitch-black eyes looking at me were bright and clear, seeming to contain glimmers of light. 18-year-old Lucy gripped her textbook tightly, suddenly not daring to look at him. Fighting back her nervousness, she said with a red face: “Then get into the same university as me. If you do, I’ll be with you.” Her voice was as soft as a mosquito’s. But he was close enough to hear clearly. After a few seconds of silence, he suddenly exploded: “Damn it, why didn’t you say so earlier?! There’s less than a year left. You think I’m a god? Give me your books!” In my mind, Ethan’s grades weren’t good enough to get into the same university as me. This was just my excuse to reject him. But I never imagined that Ethan the slacker would become a completely different person in our senior year. He started studying like crazy. Later I found out he wasn’t actually bad at studying. He just couldn’t be bothered before. His family was much wealthier than I had imagined. His parents had already paved a smooth road ahead for him. He was very smart, the type to understand things quickly. With money, he enrolled in the most expensive tutoring classes. Then as if possessed, he buried himself in studying. The result was that a year later, he actually got in. That summer, Ethan didn’t show up. Apparently because he did well on the exam, his parents forcibly took him abroad to visit relatives. I wasn’t idle either, still working part-time jobs. A big incident did happen during that time – Cathy got into a fight with Howard’s wife. Then his wife called a bunch of her family members. They dragged Cathy out to the street and stripped her clothes off. They were also cursing: “You wanted to strip, didn’t you? Strip it all off then! If your daughter was here today, we’d strip her too!” Because of that comment, I trembled all over and went to stay at my aunt’s house for a few days. But when I returned home, I found that although Cathy hadn’t left the house for several days, she hadn’t been idle. Like a madwoman, she spent all day cursing out the window. All those unspeakable words were curses directed at Howard and his wife. After the incident, Howard never showed his face. And my dad, because he hadn’t been turned over in so long, developed bedsores. There was a terrible stench. Amid the endless cursing, I broke down over and over. I cried as I cleaned my dad’s withered body, thinking to myself: Dad, why are you still alive? Please find peace soon… My aunt said not to worry about going to college, she would come check on dad every day. Everything seemed to be settled, so why was I still so vicious? 18-year-old Lucy was once again wishing for her father’s quick death. I had been taking care of him since I was 16, cleaning every part of a paralyzed man’s body. Bowel movements, urination – from being scared to becoming skilled. From being skilled to feeling numb and despairing inside… I wished for him to live, wished that one day I could push a lucid him to eat a bowl of old-style soup noodles. I also wished for him to die, to free both him and me. It had only been three short years, so what exactly is human nature? … After school started, I saw Ethan. He came straight to find me at the girls’ dormitory. As blatant as ever, smiling arrogantly. After the long summer break, he had tanned a bit, but still had that sharp-featured face. I had read in a book that this type of appearance was called “ghost-fearing”. Piercing eyes and sword-like brows were said to be the look of a general commanding troops for thousands of miles. His eyebrows were especially thick, slanting upwards in straight lines – open and aboveboard, but also very authoritative. This kind of person lives in the light. Whether doing good or evil, they seem to act on a whim. He was undoubtedly eye-catching. Under my roommates’ curious gazes, I lowered my head and pulled him outside. He took the opportunity to hold my hand. Under the phoenix trees on campus, I broke free from his grip. He refused to let go, smiling triumphantly: “Lucy, you’re not going back on your word, are you?” I kept my head down, silent. My meaning was clear – I was going back on my word. He bent down slightly to look at me, the smile slowly fading from his lips. His eyes took on a somewhat dangerous look: “I’ll let it slide if you keep rejecting me no matter how long I chase you. But agreeing and then going back on it is toying with me. I’ll get angry.” My face instantly turned white. Of course I knew Ethan didn’t have a good temper. He was quick to fight and hit hard. I remembered clearly how he had kicked that guy in the cafeteria. He feared nothing. It was only when pursuing me that he smiled at me, holding back that overbearing and sharp aura. I didn’t know if he hit girls, but I was definitely scared. With a pale face I said: “I’m not toying with you. I just feel…” Before I could finish, I let out a cry of surprise. This guy had directly picked me up into his arms, cupping my face in his hands to make me look at him. I stared at him with wide eyes: “What, what are you doing?” He smiled brightly and leaned in to peck my lips. I was stunned, my mind going blank. His pitch-black eyes were unfathomably deep. He pushed his tongue against his cheek and said seriously: “Stamping the seal. From now on you’re mine.” The phoenix trees on campus stretched in rows, their leaves as green as jade. The dense branches and leaves blocked out the blazing sun. But my face still burned up, turning bright red. That seemingly serious man was backlit, the glow perfectly illuminating his red-tipped ears. Other than that, he still looked quite serious. At first I didn’t know if I liked him or not, but later I confirmed that I had liked him. No one can resist passionate love. I had been trapped in darkness for too long. He was like a blazing fire, coming close to me, igniting me. At least in that moment, I felt truly alive. No more family troubles, no more of Cathy’s vulgar cursing. It turned out Lucy could also live proudly and openly, like a real person.
Being with Ethan made me feel uneasy inside. So at first when my roommates asked who he was, I didn’t dare admit it and said he was my brother. He was too famous. This kind of person seemed born to be the focus of attention in life. We weren’t in the same class or even the same department. But very quickly, everyone knew the name Ethan. Just like in high school, he always did as he pleased. With his sharp, fierce eyes, he was surrounded by admirers, always with a crowd around him. He was even more popular than in high school. Because several of his childhood friends, even if not at this school, were not far away. They often came to see him, including Wendy. That tall, model-like girl – they all called her “Spicy Girl”. Ethan said she had a straightforward personality, like a boy, very casual. The first time she met me, she was obviously stunned for a moment, but quickly smiled brightly: “Brother, so this is the type you like.” Actually it wasn’t the first time I had seen her. She didn’t remember, but that summer when I was working part-time at the arcade, it was her who came over linking arms with Ethan, saying she wanted to get game tokens. Girls have a natural sensitivity to any unfriendliness from other girls. I knew she didn’t like me. But Ethan didn’t know. He smacked her head in annoyance – “What do you mean ‘this type’? From now on you have to call her sister-in-law.” As I gradually came into contact with Ethan’s world, I realized what a huge difference there was. We were completely incompatible. That black-dialed watch on his wrist was shockingly expensive. Limited edition basketball shoes, no matter how hard they were to buy, he could always get them. For Wendy’s birthday, she pouted and asked him for a handbag. While saying “I don’t owe you anything”, he agreed to get her the latest model she wanted. He also gave me a Chanel watch once, forcefully clasping it on my wrist. He took me shopping for clothes, shoes, anything he wanted to buy for me. I refused to accept them. He would get a bit angry. Later I got angry too and turned to leave. He would chase after me, softening his tone to coax me: “If you don’t want to buy anything that’s fine. Why are you getting upset? Come on, I’ll treat you to a meal.” Ethan had a rebellious air about him. He never tried to hide his flippant attitude and desires. When school first started, I had lied to my roommates saying he was my brother. The first time he waited for me outside the dorm building, my roommate Megan called out from the window: “Lucy, your brother is here to see you!” He happened to overhear this. Afterwards he pulled me to a secluded spot, cupped the back of my head with his large hand, and leaned in to kiss me. That was our first kiss. He was too forceful, kissing me until I couldn’t breathe. I started crying. Only then did he reluctantly let go. His hands gripped my waist as his eyes narrowed dangerously. His voice was husky with lingering desire: “Lucy, don’t get it wrong. I’m the kind of brother who will kiss you.” I cried on the spot: “You’re being a hooligan.” He was stunned at first, then laughed. He seemed quite pleased, in a good mood. Pressing his forehead against mine, his tall nose touching mine, he said: “I promise, I’ll only be a hooligan to you for the rest of my life.” The phrase “rest of my life” sounded so fantastical. But I knew he was serious at the time. He was very bothered that I tried to hide his identity as my boyfriend. He wanted everyone to know about our relationship. Any little news about me would quickly reach his ears. At first there was a boy in my class with a nice personality who liked to chat with me occasionally. Later when he saw me he would lower his head without speaking, or just turn and leave. I heard rumors that Ethan had confronted him. I got very angry and argued with Ethan about it, my eyes turning red. He lazily raised an eyebrow, looking at me with a half-smile: “Lucy, when you’re dating me, you’re not allowed to have wandering eyes.” “What nonsense are you saying?! He’s just a normal classmate.” My face flushed red. “Come on, you think everyone is as dense as you? I can see his intentions clear as day.” “You’re paranoid. This is ridiculous.” I angrily turned to leave. He grabbed me, smiling mockingly: “You don’t believe me? Let’s go confront him then.” “Ethan, are you crazy? What’s wrong with you?!” “Yeah, crazy in love with you. Sick with missing you. You’re mine alone. I don’t have any messy love affairs, and you’re not allowed to have any either.” Ethan was a very possessive person. This became increasingly clear as we spent more time together. I never doubted his feelings for me, because they often felt suffocating. Later he started trying to convince me to move out and live with him. I refused, even avoiding him for a while because of it. Though I knew it was bound to happen eventually. In front of him, I was like an innocent little white rabbit, already in the palm of his hand. He tempted and coaxed me again and again. In the second year of our relationship, he once took me to see a theater performance. He said we’d be back before the dorm curfew, but deliberately delayed until very late. As soon as we left, my heart sank. He wore a black trench coat, tall and straight. His sharp features were tinged with a smile, thin lips curled mischievously. Behind him was the neon-lit street. Then he reached out his hand to me, smiling triumphantly, his voice teasing: “Let’s go. Come home with me.” The apartment he lived in off-campus had been bought by his family long ago. After he promised to behave himself, I nervously set foot in there. It wasn’t my first time coming, but before it had always been during the day, just sitting for a while before leaving. Ethan clearly had ulterior motives. Though he had promised to be well-behaved, as soon as we entered he showed his true colors. I pushed him away, a bit angry: “You’re not keeping your word. I’ll never believe you again.” His laughter by my ear was soft and enticing: “Baby, I’m a man, and a bad man at that.” “But I promise, I’ll only be bad to you. Okay?” He leaned close to my ear. As I trembled all over, he whispered: “I’m not lying to you. We’ll get married right after graduation. If I go back on my word, I’ll die a horrible death.” He said such shocking things while doing equally shocking things. I was at a loss, panicking and not knowing what to do. Ethan called me “Woodhead” one moment and “Baby” the next, his voice gently persuading. But his own ears were bright red too. It must have started raining outside. I could faintly hear the pitter-patter of rain and feel a slight chill. In this vast world, it felt like only the two of us remained. He said: “Be good, Woodhead. Don’t be scared. We’ll always be together, never apart.” “I promise.” My tightly clenched hands were pushed above my head by him. All I could hear was a roaring in my ears, exploding over and over in my mind. I don’t know who said it, but I’d heard that the essence of love is endless pain, and the only cure is for him to love you just as much. In that moment, I thought melodramatically of a line – Outside the wind and rain clatter, the whole world is today. Someone loves me, so I am worthy of being loved.
Ethan said I was a bookworm, and also said I was an idiot. Every time he tried to give me something, we would have an awkward fight. Finally he lost his temper, throwing the shopping bag on the ground in frustration: “Lucy, why do you have to be so stubborn? Look at the clothes you’re wearing. When you weren’t my girlfriend, it was one thing to wear shoes until they fell apart. But now it’s only right for me to spend money on you. What do you mean by this? Are you trying to keep such a clear divide between us?” “You’re even still working part-time jobs. Why do you have to be like this? It’s embarrassing for me too.” I knew what he meant. As his girlfriend, my working part-time jobs had subjected him to gossip. At first when he brought me to eat with his group of friends, their girlfriends were poised and graceful, dressed stylishly and made up beautifully. While I stood out like a sore thumb, wearing no makeup and dressed simply in cheap clothes. At the time someone joked that apparently Ethan liked the pale, young and thin type. Lucy looked like a high schooler. Before Ethan could speak, Wendy chimed in first: “What high schooler? My sister-in-law is Cinderella. She can transform into a princess in an instant and dazzle all your dog eyes.” She said this animatedly, even elbowing Ethan: “Right, brother?” Ethan lazily raised an eyebrow and cursed at them: “What I like is none of your damn business!” I didn’t like eating with them. After Ethan forcibly brought me along a few times, no matter how he insisted next time, I stubbornly refused to go. I even brought up breaking up for the first time because of it: “If you insist on making me go, let’s just break up.” Ethan’s face changed instantly. He narrowed his eyes: “Say that again.” “I’ll say it again. Let’s break up!” I angrily shouted at him, tears spilling out: “I told you from the start that we’re not compatible, we’re different. You keep pushing me. I can’t be the kind of girlfriend you want. I’m happy being Cinderella, okay?” He was stunned for a moment, as if finally realizing something. His voice softened as he coaxed me: “What are you saying? I like Cinderella. Just be yourself, Woodhead. I won’t force you. Don’t talk about breaking up so easily anymore, okay?” I know I had many grievances, and he had his grievances too. People said Ethan was so proud and arrogant, yet his girlfriend Lucy wore a pilled sweater. Lucy even found a part-time job at an off-campus bubble tea shop. I didn’t understand. What sweater doesn’t pill? Just because there are a few pills on the cuffs, does it have to be thrown away? There were plenty of college students working part-time off campus. We were all just trying to live well and work hard. I was utterly ordinary. I only stood out in Ethan’s world. The bars, high-end clubs and shooting ranges they often went to later were places I had never set foot in and didn’t dare to. Why did I have to be so stubborn? He once gave me the latest model phone, insisting I take it, saying it would be easier to keep in touch during breaks. When I went home, Cathy saw the phone and immediately sneered: “I thought you were so high and mighty. You wouldn’t take money before, was it because it wasn’t enough? Now you’re relying on a man to eat, being kept by him, right? No wonder you stopped working part-time during breaks.” “Don’t talk nonsense. You think everyone is like you!” I trembled with anger, not just because of her filthy words, but because after I came home, I found out she had started selling her body to an old man in the neighborhood because she had no money. My aunt told me all this. She had come to check on my dad once and caught the man in our home. That time I came home, Ethan came looking for me once. He texted asking which floor I lived on when he was downstairs. I looked back at Cathy spewing the vilest curses, saying the dirtiest things. Then I saw my increasingly withered dad lying in bed, no longer human-shaped, and the dirty, messy home. In an instant, I felt terrified, almost nauseous. I ran downstairs. Behind me, Cathy cursed again: “What are you going crazy for? You want to be reborn?” Ethan was waiting downstairs. He had driven over and bought gifts. He stood in the sunlight, hands in his pockets, smiling at me. He said he wanted to come up and meet my parents. A chill ran through my whole body. I did everything I could to send him away: “It’s not convenient today. We’re not prepared at all, and my mom isn’t home either.” After finally coaxing him to leave, I went back upstairs to see Cathy standing by the window, looking at me contemptuously: “You think you’re better than me? You found a young one. Next time he gives you a phone, leave this one for me. I should get a new one too. That old man is too stingy, not as good as yours.” … It was Cathy who made me understand that no matter how far I went, I could never escape this hellish abyss. The stinking, dark corners filled me with disgust and nausea. I almost threw up. Then right in front of her, I smashed the phone Ethan had given me to pieces. Her face turned ashen with anger. She raised her hand to slap me, then started beating me. We cursed at each other in the filthy room, using the most vicious language. Cathy slapped me while cursing: “You look down on me, huh? Let me tell you Lucy, you’re just like me. We’re both sluts, whores, living off men’s money. What do you have to be proud of? I spit on you! You’re no different from me, you know?!” No, how could I possibly be like her! If I were like her, I’d rather die right now! I had always understood. For a family like ours, the only thing we could rely on was ourselves. Only by giving it our all could we live proudly as human beings. Only by relying on our own abilities to escape this hell would we truly be free. Besides myself, no one could save me. Not even Ethan. The festering wound in my heart could only be cut out by me. My cousin found out I was dating Ethan in our sophomore year. He said to me: “Lucy, if you’re in an unequal relationship, you need to try your best to make it equal. Only when it’s equal can you be yourself.” If it’s not equal, you’ll be at someone’s mercy. Sooner or later you’ll lose yourself. Someone who has lost themselves will never end up well. I understood it all, and had always been working hard to move forward. But Cathy made me so desperate. In the past I had wished for my dad to die. Now I wished she would hurry up and die. But she was tough as nails. In my sophomore year, she even came to my school once asking me for money. I coldly looked at her and said I didn’t have any. She sneered: “Go ask that boyfriend of yours. He should be pretty rich, right? If you won’t ask, I’ll go ask. My daughter isn’t sleeping with him for free.” I gave her all the money in my card. She said expressionlessly: “Just this little? What about your scholarship? Your hardship subsidy? Doesn’t your boyfriend give you money to spend?” “Let me warn you, better get more money. It’s better than getting pregnant.” “Get out! Get out right now!” Afterwards, I ate only steamed buns for half a month. My relationship with Ethan also deteriorated rapidly. He was unhappy that I was always going out for part-time jobs, with no time to spend with him. On his birthday, I arrived late. By the time I rushed to the restaurant, the party was almost over. He didn’t look very happy. Wendy said: “Sister-in-law is still working part-time on such an important day. Brother, this is your fault. Sister-in-law must be really short on money.” Ethan ignored her, got up and pulled me to leave. He took me back to his apartment and handed me a bank card. He was angry again, saying irritably: “You don’t even have money to buy me a gift, right? I heard you’ve been eating steamed buns in the dorm for days. Lucy, what the hell do you take me for?” “I’m begging you, please take it.” By the end, his voice sounded very tired: “I know you have your pride. In my heart, you’ve always had pride. It won’t change anything if you spend my money. Woodhead, can we both take a step back?” Taking a step back wasn’t impossible. A snail that keeps moving forward, when encountering difficulties, might want to take shelter under a rock. That should be okay, right? I silently accepted the money. Before I had spent a penny, Wendy brought a very pretty girl to find me. That girl was called Olivia. She was also a friend in Ethan’s circle. She was two years older than Ethan and had been studying abroad. Unlike Wendy’s directness, she seemed like a very gentle person. Her voice was also pleasant. She smiled at me: “Lucy, you should call me big sister. Ethan calls me that too.” “On his birthday, he said he wanted to introduce his girlfriend to me, but you only came when the party was ending. We didn’t get a chance to talk. Ethan must have been angry with you, right? Don’t mind him. He’s always been like that, with a bad temper. ” It happened to be lunchtime. Olivia linked arms with me friendlily, saying she wanted to treat Wendy and me to a meal. I wasn’t familiar with Ethan’s circle of friends. But I knew I shouldn’t be impolite. Those people already had a lot of complaints about me. I was also truly trying to overcome difficulties and be with Ethan. They took me to a high-end Western restaurant. Olivia was so gentle. Seeing I wasn’t skilled with knife and fork, she took my steak and cut it for me. She also told me many embarrassing stories about Ethan from before. In that world I couldn’t integrate into, they had grown up together. Wendy smiled brightly, saying her godmother liked Olivia the most back then, calling her the standard for a daughter-in-law. Olivia chided her: “That was when we were little. Why bring it up now? Lucy, don’t mind it. That was just Auntie Chi joking.” I smiled and shook my head, indicating it was fine. She asked again: “You don’t like Western food? I remember Ethan quite likes it.” “It’s not that. Ethan has brought me before.” “Oh, then are you not used to using knife and fork?” “I don’t cut well. Ethan always cuts for me.” “I see. He’s still so considerate.” Olivia’s lips always held a smile. She said to Wendy: “Let’s go shopping later, with Lucy. I saw a dress I liked at Balenciaga last time. I want to try it on. You two can help me take a look.” After finishing the steak, I said I wanted to go back. Olivia and Wendy warmly linked arms with me. They encouraged me to try on a very expensive dress, then told the sales assistant to wrap it up without asking me. I said it wasn’t necessary. Wendy smiled: “Didn’t my brother give you a bank card? You should spend when you need to. Just ask him for more when it’s empty. Everyone knows my brother is rich. He wouldn’t not give you money.” “You’ve never worn such nice clothes, right? You should dress up more. When we eat together, they tease my brother for not willing to spend money on you. He loses face.” That day, they took me to buy many clothes, shoes, and cosmetics. I remained silent until that card was almost empty. Then I didn’t go back to school, but went to wait for Ethan at his apartment. When he came back and saw the shopping bags piled on the coffee table, he seemed quite happy. He said: “I heard from Wendy. They took you shopping and you bought a lot of things. Do you like them, Woodhead?” I looked at him calmly: “It’s all here.” He rummaged through the shopping bags with interest, then said: “Did you use up all the money? I’ll transfer more.” I took out that bank card and put it on the table – “The money in the card, plus these things, totals 100,000. I didn’t touch it.” “What do you mean?” Ethan finally sensed something was wrong. I said: “Ethan, let’s break up.” This was probably the third time I had brought up breaking up. He was stunned, then laughed. He came over and put his arms around my waist: “What’s wrong, Woodhead? Aren’t you happy spending the money? They said you seemed quite happy.” That day, I said we should break up. He didn’t take it seriously. He grabbed my hand and laughed in my ear: “Stop joking. How is this worth breaking up over? Isn’t there nothing that can’t be solved by sleeping together? Couples fight at the head of the bed and make up at the foot.” He was always like this. During cold wars he’d say, what’s the big deal that needs a cold war? Come on, let’s sit down and talk it out clearly. When breaking up he’d say, what break up? It’s not like there’s any fundamental issue. Come here baby, let big brother hug you. Let’s go to bed and improve our relationship… The little squabbles and break-ups seemed to have become seasoning to enhance our relationship. He liked to press me down, watch me struggle until I was exhausted, until I had no more strength to make a fuss. Then he would kiss my forehead with satisfaction and chuckle: “Finished venting? Let big brother help you cool down some more…” But not all cold wars can be resolved by sitting down to talk. If everything could be explained clearly, my dysfunctional family wouldn’t be such a mess. I also wouldn’t be living such a miserable life. I was so sensitive and insecure. When he gathered with friends, everyone else brought their girlfriends intimately. Only me, he could never get me to come out. He had said I could be myself, but later he couldn’t help complaining and getting angry, saying I didn’t really like him, that I didn’t give him face. He got angrier and angrier. Whenever he heard I was working part-time outside, he would be full of rage. I silently watched him argue with me. Then I got used to just turning and walking away. A few days later, he would lower himself to coax me, saying he was wrong and wouldn’t do it again. Gradually, I became more and more unwilling to deal with him. He started finding ways to call me, saying he drank too much, pitifully asking me to come pick him up. The worst time, he had his friend call me saying he was sick and couldn’t get out of bed. I softened and went to his apartment to check on him, only to see him pretending, with slyness hidden in his eyes. “Woodhead, don’t be mad anymore. Big brother was wrong. I’ll apologize, okay?” In our junior year, he brought up wanting to meet my family again. He said he wanted to get married after graduation, so both sets of parents should meet first. He also said his parents were very open-minded and had wanted to meet me for a long time. I couldn’t help but think, meet what? To see my dad’s inhuman state? Or to see my mom’s vulgar, money-grubbing ways? I was silent, then silent some more. Finally I opened my mouth: “I don’t have a good relationship with my mom.” He said: “That’s okay. I know. Back in high school I heard she likes to play mahjong and rarely takes care of you.” “It’s fine, Woodhead. We’re just meeting the parents and discussing marriage plans. From now on, big brother will take care of you.” “It’s too rushed. Let’s wait until we have stable jobs to talk about it.” Ethan dismissed this: “Whatever job you want to do, my mom can arrange it. I’ll take over the family business sooner or later anyway. I’d rather get married first. Woodhead, we agreed on this before.” In this relationship, I had finally started to have thoughts of retreating. Because Ethan said it was his parents’ wedding anniversary and they had specifically invited me. Ethan helped me prepare a gift for this – a necklace from his mom’s favorite jewelry brand. I said: “No one will believe I bought this if you take it.” He put his arm around my shoulder: “It’s a gift from both of us, not just you.” He wanted to take me shopping for clothes again. This time, I had no reason to refuse. The ugly duckling has to meet the in-laws eventually. Ethan’s mom was kinder than I had imagined. She was elegant, youthful, with good temperament and figure. She smiled as she greeted me, saying she had heard my name long ago, that her precious son had been keeping me hidden. Ethan said his parents would both like me. But later when I came out of the restroom on my way to the hotel banquet hall, I overheard his mom chatting with Olivia. Olivia said: “Auntie finally got to meet Lucy. Isn’t she pretty?” Ethan’s mom laughed: “Not as pretty as you. That boy of mine has poor taste. He can’t see what’s right in front of him, letting a little girl bewitch him instead.” “What can we do? Ethan likes her. He even said he wants to get married right after graduation.” “He’s just talking. How could that be taken seriously?” Ethan’s mom said unhurriedly: “Marriage is such a big deal. We can’t go through with it without thoroughly investigating the background.” “Auntie doesn’t like Lucy?” “I can’t say I like or dislike her. She just seems a bit petty. Thinking of my son falling for her leaves a bad taste in my mouth. We had originally planned for him to study abroad. For a little girlfriend, he stubbornly refused to go.” … I didn’t return to the banquet hall. Instead, I aimlessly wandered the hotel floors. Then I saw Wendy. She seemed to have come looking for me deliberately. From the beginning, she had never liked me. Now she didn’t even bother pretending, speaking to me frankly: “The dress is pretty. Didn’t you used to refuse to spend my brother’s money? What, can’t keep up the act anymore?” I stared at her motionlessly: “You seem to have always had ill intentions towards me. Why?” “Because you’re not worthy. You don’t really think you can marry my brother, do you? It’s impossible, Lucy. To tell you the truth, godmother has already investigated your family background thoroughly. She knows everything. So she’ll never accept you. In her mind, the ideal daughter-in-law is Olivia.” “If you still have any self-awareness, you should leave on your own. Stop clinging to my brother.” “I’m not clinging to him. He’s the one clinging to me. So you should say this to him.” “Do you have any shame? Do you want my brother to know your true colors?” “What true colors?” “Your mom is grasping for money at her age, and like mother like daughter. You refuse to spend my brother’s money, but that’s just a more sophisticated tactic. We’ve seen plenty of people like you. Why pretend?” “You’re being very rude.” “This is rude? I haven’t even said the worst yet. Do you dare tell my brother about the mess in your family? You know you’re not worthy of him, right? Don’t humiliate yourself.” TThat day, I left before the banquet even started. I turned off my phone without notifying anyone. I returned to the dorm and saw Megan cooking instant noodles.
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