My lover has delusions. He sees me as his enemy, his mortal foe, the one person he despises most. Day after day, I play along with his twisted game. Until one day, I just couldn’t anymore. I was diagnosed with cancer. **1** When I got home, the house was dark. I dropped my bag, kicked off my shoes, and fumbled for the light switch on the wall. The moment my hand hit the switch, a plate flew past my head. I ducked, barely dodging it. The lights flickered on. Julian stood on the stairs, his face utterly blank as he stared at me. “So, you decided to show up.” “…” I managed a small smile and walked over to him. I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. “Can you stop acting like a whiny, complaining partner, Julian?” He smelled faintly of the cologne I’d picked out for him, a floral scent. I always hoped it would soften the icy aura he gave off. But it never did. His eyes still held pure revulsion when he looked at me. **2** Tiny shards of light glittered from the crystal chandelier. But even with the lights on, the living room felt unnervingly cold. And the man sitting beside me offered no warmth at all. I placed my tablet on my lap, flipping through pages to show him. “Look, for our wedding, don’t you think this dress would be perfect?” “The skirt is designed like a mermaid’s tail.” “It’s so beautiful, like shimmering light just gliding over it.” “And I really love this one too, the veil has stars on it, just like the ones you showed me at the—” A mocking laugh cut me off. He raised his head, his dark eyes fixed on me. “Did we ever *have* a past?” I desperately wanted to tell him we did, that we had so many wonderful memories together. But the man in front of me always saw me as a monster, the kind of villain beyond redemption. He grabbed my chin, pulling my face close, and his lips brushed against the corner of mine. His voice, usually so cold, had a seductive lilt, a dark, alluring whisper that made me shiver. “Good girl, now give me the medication.” **3** Julian listened to me, but only because… I had something he desperately craved. If he’d ever bothered to look through the agency’s internal reports from years ago, he would have starkly seen his name listed under drug enforcement commendations and injured in the line of duty. Julian developed an addiction during his undercover work. After his undercover assignment ended, he was diagnosed with a paranoid psychotic disorder. Essentially, delusions. He classified almost everyone around him as an enemy, and that included me. Even me, the person he once said he loved most, the one he swore to protect with his life. The gentle man I knew was long gone. He’d been dragged into his own personal hell, and his gaze when he looked at me was like looking into a thousand-year-old ice cave. The bedroom was dim. I yanked on his collar, pushing him back onto the bed. He was beneath me, yet his eyes were strangely calm. Even tainted by addiction, he looked as pure as a distant, untouchable god. A slight curl of his lips was still enough to take my breath away. I leaned down to kiss him, but with a surprising surge of strength, he flipped me over. He fumbled in my chest pocket for a moment and pulled out a syringe. Then, with practiced ease, he plunged it into his right arm. … To him, that syringe was a hit of pure drug. But it wasn’t. It was a specially formulated sedative, a psychiatric medication designed just for him. Addiction recovery isn’t something that happens overnight; it requires slowly tapering the dosage. Suddenly, I understood why he hated me so much. Because, in his eyes, I wasn’t his closest lover. I was the one who had gotten him hooked, then dangled just enough to manipulate him, day after day… Just a villain. **4** I had a dream. It was years ago, when Julian was still undercover. One Christmas Eve, I went to meet him. We navigated through the crowds, seeing each other only through the folds of newspapers we pretended to read. He had his hands shoved into his pockets, leaning against a railing like he didn’t have a bone in his body. Julian was handsome, and even a slight smirk made him look dangerously charming, drawing glances from every girl nearby. Right in front of me, he whistled at two of them. I kicked his shin. “Ow!” he yelped, then lowered his voice to call out to me. “Babe, I have to play the part, right?” He was already starting to pick up the rough edges of the underworld, but his eyes were still clear. Christmas carols jingled in the background. He tilted his head back, a playful tone in his voice. “Three years from now, then another three years, then another three…” It was a line from ‘Infernal Affairs,’ our favorite crime thriller. He turned his head, our eyes finally meeting in the reflection on the glass. “When am I finally going to marry you?” … I lowered my newspaper, brushing past him. “Finish your mission, and I’ll be waiting for you to marry me.” … The mission was over, but I never got to marry him. I woke up early the next morning, and the spot beside me was empty. No sign of him. I knew he hated me, that he didn’t want to share a bed with me. But when I went downstairs and couldn’t find him anywhere, panic set in. I searched every single room in the house. Nothing. I called a friend, my hand shaking so hard I could barely hold the phone. But he wasn’t anywhere. I clutched my head and sank to the floor. Lately, it was always like this. If I thought too hard about anything, my head would throb. My vision blurred from the pounding pain, but the desperate worry of not finding him was the real torture. Frantically, I typed out messages, even thinking of asking my old colleagues at the agency to help me track him down. My frantic heart pounded faster and faster, until a pair of white sneakers appeared in front of me. “What are you doing?” His voice was steady, still so cold and indifferent. Julian wasn’t Julian anymore, and yet, he still was. But the detached man standing before me could never truly merge with the playful boy from my memories. I stood up and wrapped my arms around him. I don’t know why, but I always loved holding him. It was like I could somehow imprint my warmth onto him, even though he never once hugged me back. “I thought you left, Julian.” He took a step back, subtly pushing me away. “I just went to water the flowers.” “…” I smiled faintly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “What do you want for dinner tonight? I’ll make you…”
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