A notice suddenly appeared on my car’s windshield: 【Hey, neighbor from the same floor! My SUV is just too big, and my assigned parking spot is a nightmare to get into. I scouted around and your spot is perfect – spacious, super close to the elevator, and we’re neighbors, so it’s convenient! Please, as soon as you see this, add me on SnapChat so we can discuss switching spots and solve my parking problem.】 A phone number was left at the bottom. Of course, I ignored it. But then, almost immediately, I got a new friend request on SnapChat. 【Parking spot switch!】 I replied: 【Wow, the audacity! You’ve got some serious nerve.】 Less than three minutes later, my door was pounded on. I checked my doorbell camera. A man and a woman, with a chunky kid, were standing right outside my apartment. The man was banging his fist on the door, shouting, “Open up! What did you mean by that reply?! Come out and explain yourself!” I activated the intercom, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Can’t understand English, huh? Maybe ask your kid to teach you, or just look it up in a dictionary.” The man kicked my door. “Come out, you coward! Say it to my face!” I ignored the delusional couple. The woman put her hands on her hips and started guilt-tripping. “Our parking spot is tiny! It takes forever to park our car every day, making my husband late for work and our kid late for school! Can you afford to pay for that?!” The man chimed in, “You seriously don’t know how hard it is to park in our spot? We’ve scraped our car how many times already? Are you blind? Your car is tiny, taking up such a huge spot is a waste of resources! Come out and switch with us, now!” Their brazen, self-righteous attitude, despite being completely in the wrong, actually made me laugh. I immediately called the police, then spoke through the intercom. “Just wait. The cavalry, your personal judge and jury, will be here soon to sort you out.” And those people actually believed me. The man directed his wife, “Go back and grab two chairs. We’ll sit right here by her door and wait. We’re not leaving until this parking spot issue is resolved today.” The woman quickly returned with three chairs. The three of them genuinely sat down right in front of my door. The couple buried their heads in their phones. Their son wanted to play too, but they both lectured him. “Do you know why we can’t be home right now? And you’re still thinking about playing on your phone? If we don’t switch spots, you’ll be late for school every morning and everyone will laugh at you! Got it?” Leo immediately threw a fit, rolling on the ground and wailing. “I don’t want to be laughed at for being late! I want to go home and watch Paw Patrol!” His mom smiled and said, “Just tell the lady inside to come out quickly. If she switches spots with us, you can go home and watch Paw Patrol, and you’ll never be late again.” Leo rolled over to my door and started banging and kicking. “Open up! Open up quickly and switch parking spots!” Just then, the police arrived. The woman and the kid rushed over. “Officer, you’re here!” The officer asked, “Who called 911?” I opened my front door. “That would be me.”
I explained the whole situation, how the family of three had blocked my door. The key point was that they wanted to trade their tight $10,000 parking spot for my spacious $30,000 flat-level spot right by the elevator. The officer looked utterly bewildered. The family of three then tried to get him to side with them. “Officer, tell us, we’re neighbors, we should help each other out. Her car is small, but her spot is huge. Our car is big, but our spot is tiny. Wouldn’t switching be a win-win? Not only did she refuse, but she also called my husband names, said he had a big ego! Is that the behavior of a civilized person?!” The officer frowned. “Parking spots in this complex are bought with real money. Harper’s large spot is definitely worth more than your compact spot. If you want to switch, you need to negotiate amicably. You can’t just block someone’s door and force them! That’s against the law, do you understand?” The woman pinched her son, and he opened his mouth and let out an ear-splitting wail. The woman put on a distressed face. “Officer, we tried to negotiate, but she ignored us and even insulted us! If we don’t solve this parking problem, our normal lives will be affected! We had no other choice!” The officer’s face turned cold, his tone stern. “This is illegal! If you continue, we’ll have to take you to the station and detain you.” The couple looked incredibly reluctant, but they were clearly scared of being taken away. “We’ll go home now.” The officer gave them a few more strict warnings, then left. I was about to close my door too. Suddenly, Brad picked up a chair and shouted, “You just wait! You’re choosing the hard way! You think I can’t deal with you, huh?! Just you watch!” I glanced at him. Tiffany immediately jumped forward, pointing a finger at my nose and shrieking, “That’s my husband! Where are you looking?! If you keep staring, I’ll pluck your eyeballs out!” I took one look at her husband, who was five-foot-five and weighed 180 pounds, and quipped, “Talk about an inflated price for a pig.” Then I shut my door.
The next morning, I ran into Sarah, my neighbor from 1002, in the elevator. There are three units on each floor in our building. Sarah is also a single woman. We know each other, but we’re usually busy with work, so we don’t interact much. She hesitated, then asked, “Are the people from 1003 giving you trouble?” I nodded. She immediately looked distressed and warned me, “You need to be very careful. That family is incredibly difficult to deal with.” I asked, “Have they bothered you too?” Sarah’s face was a picture of exasperation. “I’m a preschool teacher, and their son, Leo, is in my class.” She showed me her SnapChat chat history. My jaw literally dropped, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The couple who’d been pounding on my door, Brad and Tiffany, were not only leeching off Sarah’s WiFi but were also treating her like their personal, unpaid babysitter. 【Sarah, our Leo isn’t very good at wiping his butt. You need to check him every time he poops and clean him up.】 【Leo said you criticized him today? We’re neighbors, and you’re not only not showing him favoritism, but you’re criticizing him? He hit someone because he’s got strong motor skills! Sarah, you *must* apologize to Leo formally, or we’ll go to the school and the Board of Education to complain.】 【Sarah, our Leo says he doesn’t like the food the school cook makes. Please change it to something Leo likes as soon as possible.】 … I was utterly stunned. Were they treating her like a genie, making wishes, or their family slave? How could they ask for anything and everything? I looked at Sarah. “You didn’t actually do all that, did you?” She said, frustrated, “If I didn’t listen, they’d come to the school, block the classroom door, make a scene, and complain about me to the principal.” I couldn’t believe it. “So you actually did what they asked?” Sarah looked like she was about to spit blood. “I’m up for a big promotion this year, and there’s only one spot, so the competition is fierce. If they cause a scene at the school a few times, I’ll lose my eligibility.” I immediately understood her frustration. I said sympathetically, “Sister, you’re in such a terrible situation!” She shook her head. “I just wanted to warn you that family is completely unreasonable and incredibly difficult. Be careful.” I was about to speak when the elevator doors opened, and Tiffany’s voice rang out from outside. “1001! Did you call my husband a pig yesterday?!” I rolled my eyes. What kind of brain did she have? It took her all night to figure that out? Her expression twisted, then she looked at me with a sneer. Before I could say anything, she turned to Sarah. “Sarah, didn’t I tell you Leo hasn’t been eating carrots lately? What’s going on? Why were there still carrots in the school lunch yesterday? And his most hated onions?!” Sarah replied weakly and perfunctorily, “I’ll pay attention today.” The crazy woman wasn’t done. “Is this your attitude as a teacher and a neighbor? Sarah, I’m just telling you, you’re not particularly pretty, and if you don’t make yourself more likable, how will you ever get married? You’ll end up an old maid, and when you’re old, who will take care of you? You could die in your apartment and rot away, and no one would even know.” Sarah clenched her fists, but she didn’t dare to speak. I scoffed. “Does her mouth have a direct line to her colon, just spewing out crap?” 3 Sarah’s face flushed crimson. Tiffany didn’t quite understand, but her son, Leo, rushed over, ready to hit me. “How dare you talk about my mom like that, you bitch! I’ll beat you to death!” I swiftly stepped back, and he swung at air, tumbling hard onto the floor. He opened his mouth and wailed. Tiffany immediately started cursing. “You bitch, you little whore, you hussy! How dare you hit our only son, the heir to the Liu family! I’m not done with you!” I pointed to the camera above. “I’ll call the police. Let’s see who’s doing the hitting.” She reached out to grab me, but I slapped her hand away. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I didn’t bother to argue with the crazy mother and son. I walked past them, got in my car, and drove off. I thought my attitude had made it clear to the delusional couple that I wasn’t a pushover like Sarah. I thought this whole thing was over. But when I got home from work, I saw that the Brad’s SUV was parked in my spot. Brad was standing by the elevator, and when he saw me, he smirked provocatively. “I parked my car here. What are you gonna do about it?” He turned and stepped into the elevator right in front of me. Just as the elevator doors closed, he was still grinning at me, showing off his stained yellow teeth. Oh, really? Fine. It seemed I was still too easygoing! I first contacted the building management. As expected, they sounded really helpless. “Ms. Harper, all the residents in your building have reported various issues with that family. But we don’t have law enforcement authority, and that family is completely brazen. Last time, they almost physically attacked our staff. I’ll arrange for staff and security to go talk to them now, but it’s unlikely to solve the problem. Please be prepared.” I hung up the phone and suddenly felt excited. Brad’s family, weren’t they just those infamous crazy neighbors you read about online? All those little tricks I had saved in my notes might actually come in handy! My work had been pretty dull lately, not much fun. I first called my studio, telling them my work hours would be flexible for a while. Then I exported and saved the dashcam footage of Brad occupying my parking spot and intentionally provoking me. After that, I made a U-turn and drove out. When I returned, my trunk was filled with bags of cement. Brad’s car was indeed still sitting comfortably in my parking spot, not moving an inch. I asked the building management, and they said they had talked to Tiffany, who claimed our two families had agreed to switch spots and told them to mind their own business. I told the management not to worry about their apology. I hung up and went to find the security guards, asking them to help me surround my parking spot with bags of cement, front and back. The two security guards initially looked a bit reluctant, but as soon as they saw the license plate number of the car in my spot, their faces lit up with excitement. Like they’d been given an energy drink, they quickly blocked off the spot. They did an even better job than I asked, ensuring the car parked in the spot definitely couldn’t get out. I offered them cigarettes, but they refused, only accepting bottled water. They chugged it down, shaking their heads, and practically skipped away. Wow, it was clear just how much Brad’s family was hated. I was basically doing God’s work. After I got home, I happily watched some reality TV and went to sleep. I dreamt of the crazy couple next door kneeling and begging me for mercy.
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