The year I turned six and lost my sight, Mom and I found Zane nearly frozen to death. I lied and said I wanted a companion. I begged Mom to save him. After Mom remarried, Zane became my only support. He even gave up his extraordinary talent for painting to study medicine, all for my eyes. But even after becoming a skilled ophthalmologist, he still couldn’t cure my blindness. On my twenty-fifth birthday, Zane’s female soulmate won a major art award. Zane locked himself in the study, scribbling furiously on paper. His voice strained with suppressed emotion. “I’m writing you birthday wishes.” I smiled, about to step forward and hug him when my guide dog spoke. “You dumb blind girl — he’s ripped up every painting he ever made. The backs are covered with ‘Anna, go die.’” “Don’t walk forward! He put a live wire there. You’ll die if you step on it!” I froze in place. Then I forced a smile and kept walking. “Zane, all your wishes will come true.” I took another step forward. Zane suddenly called out. “Anna!” His voice caught, thick with tears, but he said nothing more. I pretended not to know. My tone stayed light and cheerful. “Does your head hurt again? Let me massage it for you.” My guide dog spoke again. “Fool, the wire is right in front of you!” I was about to step down when the doorbell rang. A chair scraped violently across the floor. “Watch out!” A force slammed into me. I crashed to the ground. My brain buzzed. Pain exploded through my skull. I couldn’t think clearly for several moments. Zane’s hands trembled as he helped me up. “Anna… I’m sorry… There was a wire just now. I was afraid you’d trip.” My guide dog barked twice. I understood what it meant. “He’s lying, Anna. He really wanted to kill you just now! He only changed his mind at the last second.” My heart twisted. Why did I still feel sorry for him? I forced myself to smile through the pain. “If there was a wire, it’s my fault for not seeing it. I’m fine. It doesn’t hurt.” Just then, Zane’s phone rang. I heard a woman’s voice on the other end. “I know you’re home. I won’t leave until I see you. Zane, just… consider this my last time coming.” I recognized the voice. Victoria. Zane’s talented painter friend. She and Zane had met at an art gallery years ago. Zane once told me Victoria was his best friend. Victoria once told me Zane’s paintings had the most spirit she’d ever seen. But now one had become a renowned artist. The other had become a doctor stuck taking care of a blind person. Zane hated being a doctor. He hated the smell of blood. After every surgery, he would vomit until he could barely stand. After Victoria hung up, Zane shoved me aside. He rushed out desperately. I lost my balance. The back of my head struck the sharp corner of the table. Blood poured out in waves. I whimpered weakly. “Zane, it hurts…” The door slammed shut. I couldn’t see, but my hearing was sharper than most people’s. Even through the closed door, I heard Victoria and Zane talking outside. Victoria’s voice broke with tears. “Anna’s eyes can’t be cured. You can’t take care of her forever! Your hands have so much more talent than mine! You should keep painting!” But Zane interrupted her, his voice shaking. “Victoria, Anna gave me this life. How could I abandon a blind person…” Victoria’s voice filled with sorrow. “Then what about your dreams? What about… me?” Zane stayed silent for a long time before answering hoarsely. “No matter what, we’ll always be… best friends.” Victoria ran away crying. “I won’t come looking for you again… When you figure it out, take this to my teacher.” I lay on the floor in a daze. Suddenly I remembered when I was thirteen. Someone had bullied me. I limped home from the school for the blind. Zane was furious. He decided to transfer from his regular school to the blind school to watch over me. When I was fifteen, Mom remarried. She grabbed my hands and cried. “Anna, my new husband can’t help me raise a blind child. Mom is really struggling. You understand, don’t you? Besides, Zane will take care of you!” Mom dragged her suitcase away. She left behind the old house and Zane. Zane had just turned eighteen. Taking care of blind me wore him down until he was covered in ailments. I kept crying and begging Zane to leave. To stop taking care of me. But he always smiled and patted my head. “Silly girl, we’ll be together forever.” A blind person like me that nobody wanted, if Zane hadn’t held my hand and helped me grow up, I should have died long ago. I should die somewhere Zane doesn’t know about. Otherwise, he’ll blame himself.
I wiped the throbbing back of my head. My fingers came away sticky with blood. I was still struggling to stand when the door burst open. Zane’s voice cut through the silence. “What happened? Why is there so much blood?” I forced a smile. “I’m sorry. I fell by accident.” The words had barely left my mouth when I heard glass shatter against the floor. “Anna!” His voice cracked like a whip. “You’ve lived in this house for years. How can you still not walk properly?” Then came a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry, Anna. I shouldn’t lose my temper with you.” I heard him rummaging through the house. Drawers opened and slammed shut. Finally, he pulled out my old white cane. I hadn’t used it in years. He grabbed my arm and yanked me toward the door. His steps were too fast. Too angry. I stumbled, trying to keep up. My foot slipped on the first step. Then the third. Each time I nearly fell, but he didn’t slow down. Fear clawed at my throat. “Zane, where are we going?” He stopped so suddenly I crashed into his back. My nose hit his spine. Blood gushed from my nostrils. I reached up blindly to wipe it away. His voice came out strangled. “Anna! There are so many blind people in the world. Why can everyone else live normally except you?” Each word hit like a physical blow. “I’m not your guide dog. I can’t be your dog for the rest of my life!” My heart seized. Something inside me crumpled. Then I felt his hands on my back. He shoved me. Hard. His voice drifted back through the wind, cold and final. “Don’t come home until you learn to use the tactile paving.” His footsteps faded. His scent disappeared. The world reduced to wind, traffic, and strangers whispering around me. Darkness and panic swallowed me whole. I clutched the cane until my knuckles ached. I wanted to scream. Instead, I whispered his name like a prayer. “Zane, I’m so scared.” Before, I never needed a cane. One hand always held my guide dog’s harness. The other held Zane’s arm. He said I’d never need anything else. Now only the wind answered me. My guide dog’s voice dripped with mockery. “Wasn’t he the one who promised to hold your hand forever? Said you’d never need a cane?” I had forgotten everything about tactile paving. The raised dots and lines meant nothing to my feet anymore. I tapped the cane against the ground. Each step felt wrong. I must have exhausted him completely. A blind woman who couldn’t even walk alone. I wandered aimlessly until the sound of car horns grew deafening. I stopped at what must be the street’s edge. Maybe if a car hit me, Zane could finally be free. I waited. The traffic roared past. Then someone yanked me backward into their arms. Zane’s body trembled against mine. His voice broke with despair. “Anna, you’re blind, not stupid. How can you not know how to cross a street? Why? Why did you have to be blind?” Why? I wanted to know too. The question I’d asked myself a thousand times. The question that had no answer. I finally broke. Sobs tore from my chest. “You’re right. I’m not stupid. So go! Leave! I don’t need you!” When I was five, my parents fought over their divorce. They screamed at each other every night. Neither wanted custody of me. When I spiked a fever that destroyed my vision, they didn’t even notice until it was too late. Zane’s hand found mine. His grip was weak. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. How could I not take care of you?” He led me home. He never mentioned the cane lessons again. But I noticed him spending more time staring at things in his study. Long silences filled with something I couldn’t name. I hid in my room and dialed Mom’s number. She answered on the fourth ring. Her voice turned sharp the moment she recognized mine. “Why are you calling me? I don’t have any obligation to raise you anymore.” “Mom, I’m not asking you to raise me. Could you just pretend to let me live with you?” Silence stretched between us. I made promises. So many promises. I’d be invisible. I wouldn’t be a burden. I just needed somewhere else to go. Finally, she sighed. “Fine. For old time’s sake. I’ll come get you after your sister finishes summer camp.” I hung up. A strange lightness filled my chest. Mom had a healthy child now. A daughter who could see. And Zane could finally be rid of me.
I stood outside Zane’s door and knocked. Inside, I heard him scrambling to hide something. Papers rustled frantically. “What do you want? Can’t find something again?” His tone made me flinch. I forced myself to smile. The kind of playful smile I used to wear when things were still good between us. “Zane, Mom contacted me. She says she’s doing well now. She feels guilty about everything. She wants me to come live with her. I said yes.” Silence stretched between us. Then his voice came out sharp and disbelieving. “Do you even know what you’re saying?” I repeated the words carefully. “I want to live with Mom.” Something inside him snapped. His chair scraped violently against the floor. “Anna! Have you forgotten what she did to you? You haven’t suffered enough?” How could I forget? The years the court gave me to Mom, she dated constantly. Sometimes she’d disappear for days. She’d forget to leave money for food. Little Zane would collect bottles in the freezing winter. He’d trade them for bread and give it all to me. His stomach would growl with hunger, but he’d smile and say, “I think I ate too much.” I’d begged Mom to adopt Zane because I wanted him to survive. Instead, he’d spent his entire life dragging around a blind girl. He’d never had one good day because of me. When Zane refused to even consider it, I called Victoria. “Please,” I said. “Talk to him. He’ll listen to you.” Victoria was quiet for a long moment. Then she agreed. Two days later, she called Zane. I heard his phone ring. Heard him answer. Her voice drifted through the speaker. “Zane, I’m leaving with my teacher in a few days. Once I’m gone, you’ll never have another chance.” Zane stared at me. I didn’t know why, but even though I couldn’t see, I could feel his gaze on me. Then something broke inside him. He stormed into his study, grabbed something, and ran out the door. The apartment door slammed shut. I smiled in the silence. Relief flooded through me warm and light. A full day passed. Zane didn’t come home. Victoria called me the next afternoon. Her voice bubbled with excitement. “Thank you for this. Zane really is meant to paint. I’m arranging a gallery show for him.” Happiness surged through my chest. He was free. Finally free. But by evening, my stomach had begun to cramp. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. Zane always prepared meals before he left. This time he’d been too angry to think of it. I used voice commands to order delivery. When it arrived, I felt my way to the door. The handle wouldn’t turn. He’d locked it from the outside. Night fell. My stomach burned with acid. Hunger made my hands shake. I navigated toward the kitchen by memory. My fingers traced the familiar countertop. I needed to find something. Anything to eat. My arm swept across the counter. Something crashed to the floor. Glass shattered. Then I smelled gas. Panic seized my chest. I’d knocked over the stove lighter. Flames roared to life somewhere to my left. I grabbed for the faucet. Water sprayed everywhere. Not on the fire. The flames spread across the counter. Smoke filled my lungs. I dropped to my knees, coughing. Heat blistered my skin. My hands went numb. Pain disappeared into a strange, terrifying absence of feeling. Tears streamed down my face. I crawled toward where I thought the door should be. “Anna, you useless waste,” I sobbed to myself. “Don’t die here. Don’t you dare die here.” If Zane came home and found my charred body, he’d never forgive himself. The guilt would destroy him. I couldn’t do that to him. My guide dog bit my pant leg. Its bark cut through the roar of flames. “Stupid girl! This way! Hide this way!” I crawled in the direction of its voice. My lungs screamed for air. Black spots burst behind my useless eyes. The world tilted sideways. Then nothing. *** Beeping pulled me back to consciousness. Antiseptic smell. Crisp sheets. Hospital. Footsteps rushed toward my bed. Zane’s voice came out exhausted and bewildered. “I was only gone one day. Why do you always do this to yourself?” My hands twisted in the sheets. “I’m sorry.” More footsteps entered the room. A doctor’s voice rose sharply, scolding Zane. “What kind of guardian are you? You left a blind person alone in a locked apartment. Do you understand she almost burned to death?” I opened my mouth to defend him. To explain it wasn’t his fault. But Zane spoke first. His voice was cold and hollow. “Every time I try to leave, you use reality to remind me. To show me I can only stay by your side.” Victoria’s shriek pierced the room. “Anna! You did this on purpose! You’re using this to keep Zane trapped!” Pain lanced through my chest. Sharper than any burn. I laughed. The sound came out bitter and broken. “So what if I did? My eyes aren’t healed. He has to stay with me for the rest of his life. He owes me that much.” The words tasted like poison. But I forced them out anyway. If he hated me enough, maybe he’d finally walk away for good.
“Slap!” Zane hit me across the face. I felt my mouth curve into a smile. Idiot. Why was his hand shaking? I twisted the knife deeper. “Zane, someone like you has no right to chase dreams. I burned all those paintings you hid. You’re not going anywhere!” My phone rang. Mom’s voice boomed through the speaker before I could answer. “I’m almost at the old house. Pack up and wait for me.” Zane snatched the phone from my hand before I could respond. His voice shattered into something wild and unrecognizable. “Anna, I wish I’d never met you! Twenty years! I don’t owe you anything anymore!” His hands closed around my arm. He dragged me from the hospital bed. The doctor’s voice rose in alarm. “She’s injured! She can’t handle this kind of stress!” Zane ignored him. He pulled me through the hallways and out the hospital doors. We reached the apartment complex entrance just as Mom arrived. I hadn’t seen her in ten years. Zane shoved me toward her. His voice rang with twisted relief. “Take her far away from here! I hope I never see her again for the rest of my life!” His footsteps faded into nothing. Mom stood at a distance. Disgust radiated from her posture. I could feel it even without seeing her face. “I’m only here because we’re family. Remember what you promised. I bring you with me and that’s it. We’re done. And those injuries? Not my problem. I don’t have money to waste on medical bills.” I smiled. No sadness came. Today the person who loved me most in the world had thrown me away too. There was nothing left to lose. “I won’t forget, Mom. Can you take me to Central Park?” The place where I’d first met Zane. Mom drove in silence. The moment we reached the park, she abandoned me on the sidewalk. She practically ran back to her car like I was contagious. Winter had emptied the park of visitors. Just wind through bare trees and dead grass crunching under distant footsteps. I wandered slowly. My burned skin had gone numb in the cold. The pain faded into something distant and unimportant. My feet carried me forward with no destination. Just moving through the place where a six-year-old girl had found a freezing boy and changed both their lives forever. My guide dog’s bark cut through the quiet. “Stop! There’s a lake ahead!” I kept walking. My foot met empty air. Then I was falling. The cold water hit like a thousand knives. It flooded into my nose and mouth and ears. The shock stole my breath. I sank. The lake swallowed me whole. Darkness had always been my world. But this darkness was different. This darkness was peace. No more guilt. No more being a burden. No more watching Zane destroy himself to keep me alive. My lungs screamed for air. I ignored them. The cold stopped hurting. Everything stopped hurting. This was better. Zane would finally paint again. Victoria would have him back. Mom could forget I existed. Water filled my chest. My body went limp. I thought of Zane’s smile when we were children. The way he’d hold my hand and promise we’d be together forever. I’m sorry, I thought. I’m sorry I couldn’t be someone worth saving. The water pressed in from all sides. Filling every space. Every sense. My thoughts scattered like leaves in wind. Then nothing at all.
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