I found a box of condoms in my husband’s gym bag. I didn’t confront him. I just quietly poked a few holes in each one. Two months later, my best friend told me. She was unexpectedly pregnant and wanted someone to take responsibility. My husband, Ryan, had been a different man lately. Suddenly, he was pinching the fat around his waist in front of the mirror, eating like a bird. Even more out of character, he’d splurged on a top-tier gym membership. Before, he’d come home from work and flop onto the couch. Now, come hell or high water, he’d grab his bag the moment he walked in, heading straight for the gym. Something was definitely off. While he was in the shower, I snuck into his gym bag. The canvas pocket reeked of sweat. My fingers delved inside, brushing against a square, hard box. My blood ran cold. I pulled it out: condoms. My hands shaking, I pried open the box. The foil packets were neatly arranged. My gaze swept over them, freezing instantly. One, two… Any last shred of doubt withered and died. Two were missing from the box. My fallopian tubes were severely blocked, making natural conception impossible. We never used condoms. He had used them. With whom? A buzzing roar filled my ears. My body went numb, as if plunged into an icy abyss, chilling me from head to toe.
I stealthily retrieved his phone. The screen lit up, the lock screen still our Maldives wedding photo from three years ago. Ryan’s arm was around my waist, and my eyes curved into crescents from smiling in the sunlight. My fingerprint still unlocked it. He hadn’t thought to hide this from me yet. My SnapChat was pinned at the top, our chat history stopping at this morning’s – Remember to buy milk. His text messages were all delivery notifications. The call log for the past week only showed me, his mom, and the delivery guy. I tapped on the DoorDash app; all the order addresses were for the Downtown Tech Hub and Maplewood Residences, Unit 902. His Uber rides were strictly between work and home. Too clean. Clean like a meticulously scrubbed crime scene. I was about to lock the screen. Ding! A Mobile Legends notification popped up: Your friend “InvincibleRyan” has invited you to a ranked match. My finger, seemingly of its own accord, tapped open the game. It led me into a private chat. There were only two people: my husband and “SugarBaby.” I scrolled through the private chat. The world spun around me.
“Baby, did you enjoy that?” [InvincibleRyan] “You were moaning so loud against the glass, the whole building probably heard, hehe~” [InvincibleRyan] “Where’s your wife? Still playing dead fish, waiting for you to honor her with your presence?” [SugarBaby] “Her? She’s long asleep. Having sex with her is like having sex with a corpse, she doesn’t even make a sound. Every time we finish, I’m so disgusted I have to come find you. Nothing like you, baby, last time you screamed so loud my ears were ringing~” [InvincibleRyan] “So, are you coming over tomorrow night? I bought a new lace collar you’ll love~” [SugarBaby] “Yeah, I’ll be there, baby. I’ll make you come so hard you’ll see stars.” [InvincibleRyan] “Okay~ But, do you think she’d burst into tears if she knew you had to think about me just to get hard every time you were with her?” [SugarBaby] “Her? She’d probably just cower in her bed, too scared to even breathe.” [InvincibleRyan] “Then I want to do it right under your wedding photo, let her stare blankly at the headboard every day. Since her belly can’t produce anything, why not let me carry one?” [SugarBaby] …
Reading those chat messages… The raw mockery, the vile obscenities, the venomous personal attacks – they made my whole body tremble with rage. Suddenly, my stomach lurched, bile rising in my throat. I clapped a hand over my mouth, stumbling to the balcony. Clutching the cold railing, I dry-heaved a few times. Tears mixed with snot, a pathetic mess streaking my face. How could this be? This was Ryan, the man who once ran several blocks in a downpour to save cab fare, soaking wet but meticulously shielding the hot soup he was bringing me. This was Ryan, who spent his first paycheck on a necklace for me and ate cheap ramen for a month. This was Ryan, who woke up at 5 AM to stand in line for two hours just because I casually mentioned I wanted a pastry from that popular spot across town. This was Ryan, who cried more than I did at our wedding, declaring, “Marrying you is the greatest blessing of my life.” … Three years ago, when I had that terrible flu. I was burning up, drifting in and out of consciousness. He stayed awake all night, constantly cooling my forehead, neck, and hands with a warm cloth. In the early hours, I was so parched, I rasped out a soft moan. He startled awake, immediately got out of bed, and went to the kitchen for water. The water was too hot, so he poured it back and forth between two cups, repeatedly, until it cooled. He blew on it, tested the temperature himself, and then carefully brought it to my lips. “Slowly, drink slowly…” His eyes held nothing but anxious concern. During that time my career hit rock bottom. My boss was making things difficult, my proposals were rejected again and again. I’d come home late, exhausted, and collapse onto the hallway rug. He always heard me, always came over in silence. He never asked why. He just quietly knelt down and opened his arms. I’d bury my head deep in his embrace, like a lost ship finally finding its safe harbor. He would simply hold me gently. His embrace held a quiet power, shielding me from every storm. Even when my check-up revealed blocked fallopian tubes, meaning I couldn’t conceive naturally. He just held me tight and said, “Don’t be silly! I’d be jealous, a kid would just steal your love from me!” I even felt guilty for his boundless acceptance, believing I owed him a complete family and should repay him with boundless love and devotion. But who would have thought… One person could wear so many masks. Behind that gentle affection lay such repulsive filth. He hadn’t just betrayed his vows. He had casually, brutally, shattered everything we had built together, my genuine heart, my unwavering trust!
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