“Just because I helped her sign the attendance sheet, and not you?” “Yes.” Ethan’s tone was still cold. “Fine. Suit yourself.” He lowered his head to continue typing his code, not sparing me another glance. And because of that, I never got the chance to tell him. Because I failed that attendance check, my grade dropped, and I completely lost my guaranteed spot in our university’s graduate program. I had no choice but to apply out of state. We would be separated by thousands of miles, making it incredibly hard to ever see each other again. Before I left, I threw everything related to Ethan Vance into the trash, including the promise ring we bought together. Later, I heard the rumors. The brilliant, neat-freak golden boy of the Harvard Computer Science department absolutely lost his mind. Just for a single ring, he dug through a literal mountain of garbage with his bare hands until dawn. 01 “Just because I helped her sign the attendance sheet, and not you?” The lecture hall was completely empty. Ethan Vance looked up carelessly, his eyes meeting mine. There was barely a trace of emotion in them. I nodded. “Yes. So, we’re done here.” Ethan’s gaze lingered on me for two seconds. But only for two seconds. He lowered his head and went back to the unfinished project on his laptop. He didn’t look at me again. “Fine. Suit yourself.” Even Chloe, the junior standing innocently beside him, looked at me with a hint of concern. But I was his girlfriend of three years. He still hadn’t noticed that I had been running a high fever for three days, my face flushed to an unnatural degree. I gave a self-deprecating smile. I turned to leave, but Chloe grabbed my arm: “Senior, he only helped me sign in because we pulled an all-nighter for a project all week. He knew I was just running out to grab coffee and bagels, so he did it as a favor… He even asked me to bring you a coffee too. It’s really not what you think.” I was already dizzy from the fever. Caught off guard by her pull, I stumbled and fell hard onto the floor. My knee scraped painfully against the edge of the lecture hall steps. The sharp, stinging pain cut through my physical exhaustion, and my eyes instantly welled up with tears. “Senior!” Chloe hurriedly tried to help me up. Her eyes kept darting anxiously toward Ethan, trying to gauge his reaction. But she clearly didn’t understand the kind of person Ethan was. Hearing the commotion, Ethan looked up blankly, his brow furrowing slightly. “Chloe, do you have too much free time?” Chloe, who had just been about to explain that it wasn’t on purpose, froze in place. “Huh?” “If you have so much free time, come over here and finish your part of the code.” I met Ethan’s dead, ripple-less eyes. I finally accepted it. He would always be an unshakeable mountain to me. No matter what happened, I couldn’t move him an inch. 02 “This might be for the best. For your specific research focus, besides our university, the only other place that really fits is maybe Columbia. “Since you lost your guaranteed spot here… “Going out of state or applying to a totally different environment is the better choice.” Hanging up the phone with my advisor, I pushed through my illness to start preparing my application materials. Just like my professor said. My research direction was a bit niche. If I stayed on the East Coast, my only real options were Harvard or Columbia. But if I opened up to a totally different system—like moving across the country to California—suddenly there were a lot more universities to choose from. I was actually torn on where to go. A single thought can open up the world. I suddenly didn’t know why I had been killing myself to secure a grad spot at my own insanely competitive university. What was it all for? My phone lit up. A notification popped up. It was from my “Favorites” list: Ethan’s Instagram. Ethan never posted on social media. Even when he agreed to date me, he never made it public. When I begged him to post about us, his tone was cold and impatient: “My private life is private. Why does it need to be put on display?” I told him everyone else did it. Isn’t it nice to share your happiness and get blessings from friends when you’re in a relationship? I said so much. But in the end, Ethan didn’t even bother looking at me: “Flora, Professor Davis from the Philosophy department is offering a Logic seminar this fall. I suggest you enroll.” I shut my mouth. The conversation was dropped. So, what exactly was worthy of Ethan making a post? I tapped the notification. [Project finished. First place.] Attached was a group photo of his project team at their celebration dinner. Ethan held the phone carelessly, his face a bit blurry. It seemed he was looking down at his phone and only looked up at the camera because someone called his name. But it still couldn’t hide how incredibly handsome he was. Effortlessly handsome. The kind of handsome where, as long as you looked at the photo, your eyes would instantly lock onto his face. It was no wonder that a talent agency had offered him a massive contract to become an idol back in high school. My gaze shifted slightly. Chloe, the new junior on his project team, was also in the photo. She stood out, too. She was the only one not looking at the camera. She was sitting right next to Ethan, well past a normal, platonic distance. Her eyes were focused intently on him. The love practically poured out of the screen. There were a few comments below, asking if Ethan finally got a girlfriend and if this was a soft launch. Ethan didn’t reply. The bright glow of my phone screen grew dimmer and dimmer. Until it suddenly went black. I snapped out of my daze, unlocked my phone, removed Ethan from my favorites, and blocked him. I finally understood the question I had asked myself earlier. Why did I kill myself trying to secure a spot at my own university? Because of Ethan. Of course it was because of Ethan. He could easily get a guaranteed spot, and I wanted to prove that I could stay with him forever. That’s why I worked so desperately. Just like in the beginning. When I and a bunch of other girls confessed our feelings to him, he looked annoyed, his frown practically screaming, Another one? So annoying. In the end, he gave me a dismissive look: “I don’t like girls with bad grades. “If you can get into my university, I’ll consider dating you.” He was a teenage prodigy, already guaranteed early admission to Harvard. The bar was so high that his words were enough to make anyone back down and walk away. But I didn’t. I studied like my life depended on it during my junior and senior years. I pushed myself so hard my parents literally begged me to stop. I will never forget the day I moved in as a freshman. I walked right up to Ethan: “I got in. It’s time for you to keep your promise.” He looked up at my expression. For once, he was genuinely stunned. 03 I went to the campus print shop to get my application materials, and by the time I got back to my apartment, my fever had spiked dangerously high. I just collapsed into bed and passed out. When I woke up. Ethan was sitting right beside me. The curtains fluttered in the breeze, the light in the room dim and golden. It felt like a dream. He reached out to feel my forehead. There was a glass of hot water and an opened pack of cold medicine on the nightstand: “Why didn’t you tell me you had a fever? Do you still feel awful?” It really was a dream. But for some reason, tears started falling from my eyes, one by one. Ethan froze in place. After a long time, his expression softened. His voice took on an almost illusion-like gentleness: “Why are you crying?” I cried even harder, sobbing as I called out his name, over and over. “Ethan, I like you so much, I really do… “But I can’t hold on anymore, Ethan. I really can’t… “I’m so tired, Ethan…” We had been together for three years. But it had been five years since I first started liking him. Over those five years, I had walked step by step to stand beside him. Only I knew how agonizingly hard it was. Some friends felt sorry for me. What kind of girl simps this hard for a guy? But when I said it was Ethan Vance, they all sighed in defeat. After all, it was Ethan. Countless girls liked him. Weren’t there girls prettier and smarter than me? What was I to him? What did I even count for in his life? But I just couldn’t let him go. I was too stubborn. My parents, my friends, my teachers—they all said the same thing about me: I wouldn’t turn back even if I slammed into a brick wall. In the dream, the aura around Ethan seemed to grow heavy. But he leaned in and hugged me anyway. His voice was softer than it had ever been: “If you’re tired, then get some sleep. It’s okay. Just rest.” I drifted back to sleep in his soothing embrace. Right before I passed out, I asked: “Ethan, did you… did you ever… actually like me?” I didn’t wait for an answer. I just felt something cold lightly flick my forehead. The touch was cold. The tone was even colder. “That’s a punishment for being an idiot.” 04 When I woke up, I realized there actually was an opened pack of medicine on the nightstand. I guess I was just delirious with fever the night before. I must have gotten up in the middle of the night, grabbed the medicine, and swallowed it myself. Things like that. It wasn’t like they hadn’t happened before. Since my name was on the lease with Ethan, but he was always working late in the labs and had an extreme obsession with cleanliness (he thought our apartment was too big and annoying to clean), he still mostly slept in his dorm. When I got sick, I was the only one taking care of myself. I got a call from the admin office urging me to submit my application forms quickly. I finalized the universities I wanted to apply to. When I went to turn in the forms, I happened to run into a senior from my department. He kindly offered me some advice. “If you’re interested in this topic, I actually recommend going to a major university in California. The West Coast system fits your research style perfectly. “Of course, if you’re looking at your long-term career, moving across the country to a completely new environment is a great choice.” He gave me a bright smile. “After all, our junior Flora is so brilliant, your future is limitless.” I stared at him, a bit dazed. Brilliant? Me? “Yeah. Flora Bennett. The genius who finished all her thesis research and drafts so early—everyone in our department knows you.” The only impression I had of this senior, Liam Hayes, was that he was in the same volleyball club as Ethan. Every time I went to watch a game, I’d see the two of them fiercely competing, neither giving an inch. Such a near-stranger. Yet his evaluation of me was so much higher than Ethan’s. I smiled, feeling a sense of relief. Just as I was about to thank him. I heard a voice: “Senior?” I turned my head. Chloe was standing right next to Ethan, probably dropping off some paperwork too. She was standing very close to him. In his hand, he was holding a blind box collectible figure—the exact one I had mentioned wanting in our text messages numerous times over the past few weeks. “Senior, what a coincidence running into you here. “I heard you were sick. Are you feeling any better?” Ethan didn’t say a word. He just kept his gaze locked steadily on me without shifting. … For a split second. I actually thought Ethan was jealous. Because there was one time I went to watch him play volleyball, and Liam happened to be there too. When Liam saw me, he greeted me enthusiastically, calling me “Junior Flora,” and happily took the bottle of water I handed him and took a drink. At the time, Ethan just gave him a cold, fleeting glance. But during that match, almost all of his high-speed spikes were aimed directly at Liam. Ethan was a neat freak who hated sweating and looking messy, so he chose to be the setter. His playstyle was light but devious, constantly sending the blockers running in circles. That night, he completely destroyed Liam’s team, making them genuinely angry. He didn’t even look sideways. He just patted my head, took my water bottle, and said: “Let’s go home.” I thought he didn’t care. But when we got home, I realized Ethan was incredibly… Aggressive. It was like he wanted to break me apart. Deep into the night, I was so exhausted I couldn’t even make a sound. I lay in bed, panting softly, even my fingertips numb. When I opened my eyes, I met a pair of eyes that shone brightly even in the dark. Before I could even wonder why Ethan was staring at me. He leaned down. And pulled me into a long, deep kiss. The second round felt just like that kiss—stifling, slow, and tormenting. Right before I passed out, I finally managed to process it: “Ethan, are you upset?” A very, very long silence. Followed by a very faint: “Mm.” 05 I opened my mouth, just about to call Ethan’s name. But then I saw Ethan hand the blind box in his hand to Chloe. Her face instantly flushed red, and she gasped in surprise, “Senior, is this for me?” Ethan gave a simple “Mm.” He turned and walked away without a second of hesitation, his back disappearing from view almost immediately. The name that never made it out of my mouth was swallowed back down. I smiled forcefully at Liam. So stupid. I almost thought Ethan actually cared about me. I handed my prepared application forms to the admin office. The administrative counselor confirmed with me one last time: “Flora, are you absolutely sure you don’t want to change this? Think it over carefully. Once you submit this out-of-state application, it can’t be withdrawn or reversed.” I nodded: “I’m sure. I won’t change it.” 06 When I got back to the apartment, I was surprised to find Ethan there. He was sitting on the sofa in the unlit room, his dark eyes staring at me intently: “…Why did you go to the admin office today?” I was a bit surprised. How rare. Ethan was actually initiating small talk. I brushed him off casually: “Senior Liam is applying to schools out of state. I was helping him figure out which universities fit his research focus.” “What’s there to look at?” I was almost tempted to snap back. Not everyone in the world is a genius like you, where everything goes perfectly and every honor or bright future is just icing on the cake. We normal people have to work hard for everything, worry about everything, and still face setbacks. But a sudden, heavy exhaustion spread through my entire body. I just nodded. Too tired to speak. I was calculating in my head: if Ethan was going to stay here, I needed to pack my bags and ship them out as soon as possible. “Flora.” Ethan’s voice was low and cold. The moment I stepped into the room, my wrist was grabbed tightly, and I unexpectedly stumbled into his embrace. The next second, he bit my lower lip, so hard it made my eyes widen. After a while, he let me go. I looked at him, almost forgetting that when we shared our first kiss three years ago, he had looked like a martyr facing a firing squad. He was a neat freak and incredibly difficult. We had dated for three months without a single kiss. It was only on my birthday, when he was too busy and forgot to get a gift, that I asked how he was going to make it up to me. And we finally shared our first kiss. After the kiss. He froze for a long time, a faint blush on his face. His final action was to stare at me, then use his thumb to wipe his glossy lips. “Flora, do you have something you want to say to me?” Ethan’s voice pulled me back to the present. He stared dead into my eyes. Probably because he realized I wasn’t simping for him like I usually did, and sensed something was wrong. Something to say? Of course I had something to say. But Ethan, what do you want me to say? Should I talk about how you rarely spent a birthday with me, but before the clock even struck midnight, you rushed off because of a project? Or how you bought me a birthday cake with mango filling, knowing I’m deathly allergic to mangoes out of everything in the world, sending me to the ER? Or how I stayed in the hospital for nine days, and you didn’t send a single text, didn’t answer a single call, and made me miss the most important departmental exam because of the allergic reaction? Or how, if I failed one more core class, the three years of effort I put into securing my grad school spot would be completely ruined? Or how I dragged myself back from the hospital through a high fever, begging you to sign me in for that one crucial class, and you completely ignored me, only to sign in your obviously lovestruck junior instead? I looked up at Ethan, my eyes heavy with exhaustion: “Ethan, I’m really, really tired.” I pushed away the slightly stunned Ethan. And walked further into the room. But halfway there, I suddenly stopped. I asked Ethan: “Do you like Chloe?” Ethan frowned, looking very unwilling to answer the question, his voice cold and hard: “No.” I nodded. I figured as much. Knowing Ethan’s personality, if he actually liked someone, he would have told me to get lost a long time ago. I paused for a moment. My voice softened: “Then… do you like me?” Ethan looked as if the question offended him, his tone impatient: “Didn’t I answer that question a long time ago?” I nodded. I remembered the time during the high school track meet when I suddenly collapsed from low blood sugar, and Ethan, a student volunteer, carried me to the nurse’s office. I fell in love with him at first sight. And then, like all the other girls, I confessed my feelings to him. He rejected me, just like he rejected everyone else. “I don’t like you.” “I know.” 07 Fortunately, because Ethan’s previous project was a massive success, he was given another major assignment and traveled out of town with his mentor. He didn’t have time to come back to the apartment we rented together. If this project successfully launched, he would soon achieve financial independence. He truly was the absolute best among our peers. People like me could only look up to him from a distance. The complications from my allergic reaction finally cleared up. I threw myself wholeheartedly into preparing for my out-of-state move. During this time, Ethan actually started texting me proactively: [Didn’t you always want to go to Boston with me for a trip?] [After this project is over, I’ll go with you.] After a long pause, another message came through. [Okay?] He had never asked me like this before. Both Ethan and I knew that he held absolute control in this relationship. He could be as willful and arrogant as he wanted. And I would always just gaze at him, forever unable to leave him, bound by my hopelessly deep love. I stared at the phone screen in a daze for a long time. Go to Boston? I really did always want to take Ethan to Boston. I wanted to show him all the moments I fell in love with him. Under the oak trees, sitting outside the cafe across from the campus bookstore, watching Ethan for an entire afternoon, day after day. The wind blew through the trees, and when the boy walked away, a leaf perfectly drifted down. It brushed past his shoulder and fell away. I took that leaf home and pressed it into a specimen to keep forever. My friends said I was absolutely insane. “Do you really like Ethan that much?” I really, really liked Ethan that much. I was a pure liberal arts major, dealing with philosophers all day. People always assumed we were deeply rational and clear-headed. Not at all. I was hopelessly, irrevocably, and vulgarly in love with Ethan. The night before the SATs, I saw Ethan. During my senior year, I studied until I severed all my emotions. Even in the last fifteen minutes, I closed my eyes to review everything I had mastered. But the moment I walked out of the library and bumped into Ethan, who was home on break from his elite university, my heart still skipped a beat uncontrollably. I felt like… That was the best gift God had ever given me. I rushed forward eagerly, calling his name: “Ethan! Ethan!” He stopped, looking confused, and took out his earbuds to look at me. He still didn’t recognize who I was. Seeing my high school uniform, he realized I was a junior student. He nodded politely, gave a distant “Good luck on the SATs,” and walked away. Okay. Good luck on the SATs. I performed exceptionally well, so well it was unbelievable, and actually got into Harvard. I took out the candy Ethan had given me the day I fainted from low blood sugar. Ethan just looked at me, confused: “What?” It was obvious. He didn’t remember me. When Ethan handed me that candy, he was still looking down at a complex math problem. His voice was indifferent: “The nurse said eating a piece of candy will help you recover faster.” He didn’t even look up at me. But, as if possessed, I didn’t eat that candy. I kept it safe, preserving it until it rotted and could no longer be eaten. I thought my love for Ethan might be like that too. I carefully maintained and preserved it all this time, but what remained in the end was nothing but a rotten, spoiled lump of sugar. Maybe it was still sweet. But eating it would definitely poison me. In the end, I didn’t reply to Ethan’s invitation to Boston. I blocked him and deleted his number again. I changed the passcode on my phone. To make absolutely sure he could never change it back himself. 08 The day I left seemed to be the exact same day Ethan’s project finished. For a project of that scale, the fact that Ethan could finish it so quickly proved his genius wasn’t just a rumor. I threw everything related to Ethan into the garbage. Including the promise ring we impulsively made on a date, which had a candy shape he hand-carved on it. My luggage had already been shipped out. I took one last look at the apartment we rented. It was spotless, not a speck of dust. I couldn’t help but smile. Ethan had OCD and never really liked this apartment. Now it was perfect, he would definitely love it. Before boarding my flight, I received a friend request from an unknown number. It was Chloe. After hesitating for a long time, she sent a message. [Senior…] [I actually really do like Ethan.] I took a sharp breath. What? Was I actually experiencing this dramatic, soap-opera trope of the “other woman” provoking the original girlfriend? Chloe: [But I know he… he will never like me.] [I know I definitely caused trouble for you. I’m sorry, Senior.] [There is absolutely nothing between me and Ethan. He only posted that picture on Instagram because our mentor wanted everyone to post something to celebrate. I never expected my feelings to be so… obvious. I feel like an idiot.] [I’m so sorry, Senior. I really am. I know my presence makes you uncomfortable. I can’t control the fact that I like him, but I will control myself and stay away from him.] [You and Ethan are truly a perfect match. I can tell that he actually likes you a lot. If it weren’t for him rushing to finish the project to get back to you, we wouldn’t have finished it so fast.] [He really loves you.] [Once this project is officially over, I’ll leave the team. I thought about it a lot, and I felt I had to apologize to you. Please believe him, and please don’t fight with him anymore. Seeing you guys fight makes me panic too. Between him and me, there is absolutely nothing going on.] [Also, please take care of your health. Both times I saw you, you looked sick. You have to take care of yourself. Heart emojis.] It felt like there was no right way to reply. The reason things between Ethan and me had reached this point wasn’t because he would fall for someone else. It was because his life had been too smooth; he had never learned how to love someone. I could say without hesitation that I loved him. I could even boast that out of everyone who claimed to love him, I loved him the most. I loved him for five years, and tolerated him for three. But I am human too. I get tired. I honestly didn’t know if Ethan would ever have a sudden epiphany, stop walking ahead of me leaving me only his back, and finally turn around to embrace me. I wasn’t even sure if that day would ever come. Hopelessly. Waiting for love to arrive, day in and day out for five years. Only to end up like a gambler who lost absolutely everything. So pathetic. You’re too pathetic, Flora. [It’s fine. Ethan and I already broke up.] [Whatever happens next is strictly between you and him. Good luck.] After sending that message. I turned off my phone and boarded the plane heading for California. I remembered what Senior Liam said: maybe a different academic environment would suit me better. But honestly, I was also a bit practical. I wanted success and recognition. I had done enough things with terribly low returns. I didn’t want to do them anymore. 09 The plane ascended, then finally landed. The houses below turned into tiny models, then vanished into the clouds, until new houses appeared. The city I landed in. There were no oak trees, but the palm trees grew lush and vibrant. 10 In a completely new environment, thousands of miles from home, everything was a bit of a struggle, but not overwhelmingly so. I followed in Ethan’s footsteps. It was exhausting, but the rewards were tangible. Thinking about it, if I hadn’t worked so hard for the grad program, pushing to finish my research and thesis early, my journey here probably wouldn’t have gone so smoothly. Realizing that, I felt a little less miserable. I integrated into the local culture, continuing to battle with various academic theories, running across campus with a croissant in my mouth to catch my next class. I brought a thoughtful welcome gift to a brilliant, young British professor who had already become a leading figure in her field. She raised an elegant eyebrow. She asked me what my name meant. She wanted to remember the meaning behind every student’s name. “Flora. Flora… um… it relates to plant life…” How was I supposed to explain the complex meaning of my given name to a foreigner? I stumbled over my words. But suddenly, a very quiet, cold voice sounded behind me: “Flora means the blooming of flowers, flourishing and full of life.” The English definition was precise, the pronunciation perfect. The British professor understood immediately. “That is indeed a very fitting name for you, Flora.” But I froze in place. I forgot to even turn around. The British professor was very enthusiastic: “And you are?” “Hello, let me introduce myself. I’m Ethan Vance. I’m the new visiting professor the university invited.” The British professor voiced my exact inner thought: “Such a young visiting professor?!” I finally snapped back to reality and turned around. Ethan, in a loud and chaotic place like California, looked like a cold, elegant stalk of bamboo. His features were detached, his face so unreasonably handsome it was impossible to look away. He tilted his head slightly. His gaze landed on me. It felt like it carried the weight of a thousand tons. “Flora. Long time no see.”
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