My sister called me nine times before she took her own life, and I didn’t answer. Everyone blames me for her death, even my fiancé. The person who once stood by me during my battle with depression now looks at me with contempt. “You don’t deserve happiness,” he told me, his words cold as ice. But when my depression returned, and I was ready to end my life to bring her back, they regretted their words. When I left the hospital, a light rain was falling. The doctor, a compassionate middle-aged woman, reviewed my results on the computer and gently advised, “Lin Yue, given your current condition, I recommend staying in the hospital.” I pressed my lips together, saying nothing. She continued, undeterred, “If you don’t want to, that’s fine. I’ll prescribe more antidepressants. Your real issue is with your family. If possible, try to have a good conversation with your mother.” I instinctively squeezed my hand. As I was leaving, she remarked, “You have a wonderful partner who’s always by your side. Love and companionship are the best medicine.”
But the doctor was unaware. That wonderful partner seems to have stopped loving me. Kieran and I have been together for a year and engaged for three months. Two years ago, I missed my sister’s call, which led to her suicide. My mother accused me of being a murderer, throwing things and screaming curses, wishing me a terrible fate. The year I was diagnosed with depression, I met Kieran. I broke down crying in front of a convenience store, and while passersby gave me strange looks, he stood in front of me with an umbrella, offering a tissue and a warm smile: “A pretty face like yours shouldn’t cry.”
I called Kieran multiple times, but he didn’t answer. The repeated mechanical voice was frustrating, so I hung up and took a cab home. When I arrived, the door was open. I thought Kieran was back and was about to call out to him, but the words caught in my throat. The house was in chaos, everything overturned. I was about to call the police when I locked eyes with someone coming down the stairs. It was my mother, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. She was holding a photo frame and, upon seeing me, paused before hurling it at me with force. It landed at my feet, the glass shattered into pieces. She lunged at me, pulling my hair and hitting me, her voice a chaotic repetition of bitter accusations: “You still want to get married?” “Do you deserve it?” “You killed your sister!” “You should go to hell!” “You don’t deserve happiness!” “Why—why wasn’t it you who died?!” I didn’t dare fight back, only shielding my head, as her venomous words pierced my heart. Overwhelmed by negative emotions, I could only cover my ears and mutter to myself. I can’t die. I promised her.
I don’t know how long she hit me until the neighbor heard the noise and pulled us apart. A woman knelt beside me, asking if I was okay. I snapped out of my daze, trembling as I searched my bag for medicine but couldn’t find it. A pair of feet stopped in front of me. White pills fell to the floor like pearls. I was stunned and looked up. Kieran stood over me, holding an empty medicine bottle, his smile cold and malicious: “Take it.” 4 When I got engaged to Kieran, my condition was nearly stable. At my worst, I locked myself in my room, refusing food and water, clawing at my skin with my nails. Kieran felt sorry for me and took time off work to take me on trips, from warm Hawaii to frigid Iceland. He proposed in a lavender field in Provence, kneeling on one knee, his profile devout as he slipped a ring onto my finger. “Adeline, I’ll be with you for a lifetime.” I once saw Kieran as my lifeline. When I was teetering on the edge of the abyss, he was the only salvation I could cling to. During the times when self-harm and the will to survive tore me apart, he broke that balance. He appeared in the darkest time of my life, like a savior, delivering me from suffering.
I ended up taking the pills from the floor. Kieran let go of the bottle, and it clattered to the ground, rolling away. I scrambled to pick it up, gathering the scattered pills back into the bottle. The neighbors had quietly left, leaving behind a semblance of decorum. He just watched me coldly. “I never knew you were such a disgusting person,” he said. “Ruan Lin Yue, you killed your sister. You brought this on yourself. You deserve to be in pain.” I didn’t look up, numbly continuing to gather the pills. I can guess when Kieran found out. I never talked to him about my inner struggles. But after we got engaged, he kept hinting that I should introduce him to my parents. My relationship with my mother wasn’t good; childhood rifts still existed, and she already hated me. Later, Kieran stopped mentioning it. A week ago, he disappeared for a day, and when he returned, his attitude toward me changed. Three days ago, he brought his assistant home. They were entangled on the sofa. I’m a light sleeper; the noise downstairs woke me. I thought he was working late. Just as I was about to ask if he was hungry, I was frozen by the scene in front of me. Kieran’s assistant was beautiful, her long hair draped over his chest, leaning down to kiss him. Kieran didn’t dodge, allowing her to leave a pretty lipstick mark on his face. Then he pulled her into his arms. The assistant exclaimed, coyly said, “Don’t be like this, Mr. Kieran, your girlfriend is still here.” But her tone was full of unabashed pride. The smell of alcohol was strong in the living room, so strong that I wanted to use it to deceive myself. But Kieran saw me. His gaze fell on my face, contemptuous and disdainful, like a knife dipped in poison. “Don’t worry about her,” he said. “She doesn’t deserve it. If it weren’t for that face…” I didn’t hear the rest. The symptoms of depersonalization came quickly, nausea, a burning sensation rising from my stomach. I stumbled into the bathroom, gagging. As tears fell, I remembered the words he said the first day we met. Don’t cry. Crying makes you ugly. When I couldn’t vomit anymore, Kieran appeared in the doorway, his words devoid of warmth: “Can’t handle this? But isn’t the most disgusting—” “You.”
I don’t know when Kieran left. By the time all the pills were back in the bottle, I was alone in the room. I sat amidst the wreckage, dazedly looking at the photo frame not far away, picking it up too. The sharp shards cut my hand, red blood falling on the photo of me. The picture was a candid shot taken with Kieran in the ancient town’s street. He bought candied haws, squinting with a smile, coming toward me, while I was looking at lanterns with my back to him. The bustling crowd became the backdrop. Only the young man buying candy for his sweetheart and his love watching the lanterns were the leads. The girl who took the photo gave it to me, wishing us, “A long-lasting relationship.” Back then, Kieran held my hand, fingers interlocked. He whispered in my ear: “Get better soon, Adeline. We’re meant to last.” I really wanted to get better. So I actively sought treatment, took medication. In the past, I was the only one hanging on, relieving my mental anguish with physical pain when despair hit. As long as I didn’t die. As long as I didn’t break my promise to her. That was enough. Later, when Kieran appeared, I started seeing a doctor. When I was one step away from escaping the abyss, the hand reaching out to me pushed me back. I fell into darkness again.
Kieran barely came home. My mom’s texts bombarded me daily. Calling me a beast, a whore. Asking why it wasn’t me who died. I didn’t dare look much. My unstable emotions were like a bomb; if it went off, I might really lose control. I hired someone to clean the house. The broken pieces couldn’t be put together, and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to throw them away. I stared at the things in her hands for a while, then shook my head. After seeing her out, I went out to meet a friend. Saylor was in town for a business trip and invited me to dinner. We booked a restaurant. Piano music played continuously, Saylor hugged me as soon as she saw me. Letting go, she looked me up and down: “Why are you so thin? I thought your Mr. Kieran would have you well-fed and chubby.” I didn’t say anything. She quickly sensed my mood: “Is he treating you poorly?” I changed the subject: “It’s rare for us to meet, let’s not talk about him.” When the food arrived, Saylor chatted about her recent life, complained about her colleagues, making me laugh. I was smiling, using a fork to stab a piece of steak, but before I could eat it, my smile froze. This restaurant is perfect for couples. The atmosphere is ideal. But, it shouldn’t be Kieran and his assistant. The man gentlemanly pulled out a chair. The pretty woman thanked him with a smile. The roses on the table were vividly beautiful. I remained silent. She quickly picked up on my mood. “Is he treating you poorly?” I changed the subject. “We don’t get together often, so let’s not talk about him.” The food arrived. While eating, Saylor filled me in on her recent life, venting about her colleagues and making me laugh. I was smiling as I lifted a piece of beef to my mouth, but my smile vanished. This restaurant is perfect for couples. The atmosphere is wonderful. But it shouldn’t be Kieran and his assistant. He pulled out a chair for her with exaggerated politeness. The woman thanked him with a smile. Roses adorned the table, vibrant and fresh. The diamond ring on her finger caught the light from the chandelier, making my eyes ache. I must have stared for too long because Kieran noticed. When our eyes met, he gave me a smile devoid of warmth. Moments later, I watched him reach over to gently tuck a strand of hair behind his assistant Nora’s ear. The gesture was intimate and suggestive. When Saylor followed my gaze, she saw the same scene. She instantly grew furious, grabbed the wine glass from the table, and stood up. “Don’t go.” I held her hand, almost begging, “Don’t go.” She looked into my tear-filled eyes, hesitated for a few seconds, and then sat back down. I fumbled through my bag, took out a medicine bottle, and with trembling hands, unscrewed the lid. My stomach churned with pain. It wasn’t until I swallowed the pills that I felt relief from the overwhelming suffocation. But I couldn’t eat anymore. As Saylor and I left, we passed by Kieran and Nora. Saylor couldn’t contain her anger, and her bag knocked over a wine glass, which crashed to the floor. The red liquid spread across the table and dripped onto the floor. Nora frowned, ready to argue with Saylor. Saylor shrugged, saying, “Sorry.” Nora was about to retort, but when she saw me next to Saylor, her expression softened into a smile: “This restaurant is perfect for couples.” “You like it?” Kieran chuckled, “I’ll bring you here often.” I didn’t look at them. I just stared at the dark liquid on the table, watching it drip to the floor. Sensing something was wrong, Saylor quickly shielded my view and led me away.
Sitting in the passenger seat, I instinctively reached for the bottle cap. But my hand slipped, and the medicine bottle fell to the floor. I didn’t pick it up. Instead, I dug my nails into my skin. Forcing myself to stay present at the brink of a breakdown. “Adeline.” “Adeline!” Saylor called my name louder, bringing me back to reality. “Why don’t you break up with him?” “After all, it’s just an engagement.” I didn’t respond. “I know he was there for you before, helped you get better, and I’m thankful to him.” “But he cheated.” “Adeline.” The flickering light outside cast shadows on Saylor’s face, her tone leaving no room for argument: “Break up with him.” Silence filled the car like a heavy cloud. After a long while. I finally heard myself speak. I said, “No.” The car came to a sudden stop by the roadside. The seatbelt pressed against my chest. Saylor hit the steering wheel, turned to speak, but fell silent when she saw my face. It took a while. Then I heard her ask: “What is it that’s holding you back?” I didn’t answer. She looked at me, determined to get an answer. What’s holding me back? I closed my eyes. The red liquid still flowed, dripping. Like it would never stop. What’s holding me back are the familiar words. The hand that once tried to pull me out of the abyss. What’s holding me back is the guilt from two years ago. I have no sister anymore. I have no family anymore. I opened my eyes, even though they hurt, no tears fell. With red eyes, like a wounded cub, Pathetic and laughable. “Saylor.” I murmured, repeating it again. “I have no family anymore.”
When Saylor left, she hugged me, didn’t say much, just reminded me to see the doctor on time. I nodded. But the moment the door closed, the emotions I had suppressed erupted, more intense than ever. The home that my aunt had neatly organized was once again thrown into chaos by me. I went mad, smashing things that were perfectly fine to the ground. The sound of glass shattering was piercing. But it wasn’t enough. Perhaps because I had suppressed it for too long, the impulse was stronger than ever. The devil whispered in my ear. Urging me to take the fruit knife and press it against my wrist. But I stopped short. The door suddenly opened. Kieran’s hand froze in mid-air, meeting my eyes. Previously, whenever I picked up a knife, he’d panic. He wouldn’t let me touch anything sharp. But this time. He just stood there, his expression cold and detached like a spectator. The ticking of the clock on the wall was distinctly audible. “Do it.” He looked at me, sneered, and repeated: “Cut yourself.” I didn’t move, like a puppet, staring blankly at him. He snorted, his gaze sharp. “You don’t dare.” “You’re just trying to gain sympathy.” “Why wasn’t it you who died?” His tone was innocent yet heartless, as if it were a simple question. I used all my strength to restrain my trembling. “Adeline.” “You don’t dare to die.” He said it almost word by word. Indeed, I don’t dare. Caught between medication and promises. I can’t die. But I can’t live either. The knife clattered to the floor, landing at my feet. Despair wrapped around me like vines, making me finally cry out. In the past, whenever I cried, Kieran would hold me in his arms, his cold demeanor softening, speaking gently to comfort me. Just like. Just like— That person. Always using a handkerchief scented with gardenias, gently wiping away my tears, then holding me close, whispering to comfort me: “Little Moon, don’t cry.” “Crying isn’t pretty.” Such a cliché phrase. But I heard it for over a decade, and never got tired of it. In this world, No one will comfort me like that anymore.
I sank deeper into the mire. Sometimes forgetting to take my medicine. Other times swallowing a handful in one go. I started cutting my arms again. New wounds on top of the shallow scars that were almost healed a year ago. But not fatal. Later, the medicine bottle was empty. I don’t know how I got through it. In a daze, I made it to my sister’s death anniversary. That day, the weather cleared. I got up early, tidied my messy self, and bought a bouquet of flowers. But when I got there. Someone had already arrived before me. Mom stood there, the grave covered with various offerings. Expressionless, I walked up, placed my flowers down. Just as I turned to leave, something heavy hit my head. I staggered, almost falling. The flowers I had carefully wrapped scattered, strewn all over the ground. Her voice was filled with deep hatred, hysterically yelling at me: “What are you doing here?” “Aren’t you a murderer? How dare you show your face here?!” But as she cursed, she started crying: “The one who should’ve died was you!” I didn’t turn back. My head felt dizzy, as if I were standing on the edge of a cliff. I clenched my hand, forcing myself to stay calm and leave. Sitting in the car, I saw the doctor’s message. She asked why I hadn’t come. I stared at her profile picture, took a long time to type out a reply: —Sorry, something came up. Her response was quick. —I’ll reschedule, when can you come? Forget it. The cursor in the input box blinked. In the end, I didn’t send anything. —Let’s schedule next time. Kieran came home early for the first time in a while. It wasn’t Nora who brought him home, but another male subordinate. When he got back, I was squinting at the empty medicine bottle. It’s been empty for a long time. The male subordinate helped Kieran onto the sofa, politely said goodbye to me.
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