I decided to give up on Beckett. It all started with something trivial. During our research group meeting, Lily brought in some soy milk and buns. Beckett, always protective of the younger girls, covered for her: “Lily’s still young and likes to eat. Let’s cut her some slack.” Everyone teased her, their eyes occasionally darting towards me. Only my roommate, who was close to me, stood up for me: “Beckett, aren’t you being biased? When Zoe had a stomach ache and wanted to eat something, you didn’t allow it!” The room fell silent for a moment. Beckett’s face darkened. “Zoe, what are you up to now? There’s a time and place for your tantrums. No one here is going to indulge you!” “Yeah, she’s just seeking attention,” I heard someone mutter. For some reason, I sighed inwardly. It all felt so pointless. I took off my name tag and looked up at Beckett. “I want to leave the research group.” As soon as I said this, the senior girls tried to calm me down. After all, if you made some achievements in the research group, you had a chance for guaranteed admission to graduate school. “It’s fine. I’ve made up my mind. I’ll go explain the situation to the professor later.” “Are you throwing another tantrum? Do you need everyone to revolve around you? It’s just letting Lily have breakfast, do you have to be so petty?” Beckett’s tone was cold and slightly impatient. I looked at Beckett seriously and explained, “I’m not throwing a tantrum. It’s just…” I pointed at some people. “She, he, she, these people all got in through Lily’s connections. They do the least work and like to gossip. I don’t like this research environment.” It’s quite tiring, playing along with them day after day. As soon as I said this, the people I pointed at all turned pale, lowering their heads guiltily. The other seniors didn’t say anything, but Lily started crying: “What did I ever do to you, senior? Why are you publicly humiliating me like this…” “These are all my classmates. If they don’t get some credits from the research group, they’ll fail their courses. I was just trying to help them, and Beckett agreed.” I nodded. “Mm-hmm, but the research group doesn’t belong to you alone. You’re being kind on your own, so everyone else has to bear the consequences? Is that your robber’s logic?” “Enough! Zoe, don’t you think you’re acting like a lunatic right now? I’m willing to cover for her, what’s it to you?” Beckett’s words felt like a hard slap across my face, making me blush and feel a bit strange. Was he still the Beckett I remembered, the one who always protected me? His next words pushed me into an abyss. “Zoe has a mental illness. She sometimes becomes unstable and has episodes. Lily, don’t take what she says to heart.” Beckett took out a tissue and gently wiped Lily’s tears. “Really? She doesn’t look like it.” Lily glanced at me, full of curiosity and disdain. “It’s true. I even have her diagnosis here.” My heart, which had been lifted high, was now heavily smashed down. In a daze, I remembered how seven-year-old Beckett had chased away the bullies and wiped my tears, telling me he would always stand by my side. Now he was cruelly exposing my wounds, just to comfort another girl.
The application to leave the group was a bit troublesome. The professor said he was busy and wanted me to stay for a while longer. I had no choice but to agree. I just made sure to go when Beckett wasn’t around. But deep down, I was still hoping Beckett would notice something was wrong and come find me. After all, habits formed over so many years aren’t easy to let go of. One day, as I was walking back to the dorm after finishing an experiment, A tall figure was standing in the middle of the path. I turned to take another route, but Beckett caught up with me. “Zoe!” He grabbed my hand. “Why have you been avoiding me lately?” I tried to break free with some force. Beckett directly put his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to turn around. He lowered his head, his gaze soft. “Are you angry with me?” I turned my head, not wanting to deal with him. He laughed a little. “Zoe, are you jealous? I didn’t mean to protect Lily. It’s just that her dad is our biggest investor, and I don’t want to offend her. I can only go along with her a bit. How about this, I’ll let you eat breakfast in the meeting room from now on too?” I finally looked at him directly. “Beckett, it’s not about the breakfast.” He knew that due to certain things, I had a period where I couldn’t sleep for days and nights, leading to some mental instability, but it wasn’t the mental illness he described. Yet he just brought it up as a topic of conversation. Did he ever consider my feelings? His eyes shifted a bit, probably realizing what I was referring to. Then he reached into his pocket and slipped something onto my hand. In the light from the street lamps, I could see clearly. It was a finely crafted silver bracelet. “Zoe, you’ve always envied how other girls’ parents buy them silver bracelets, right? I saved up to buy you one too. But a silver bracelet is too cheap for my Zoe. So I bought a gold one and plated it with silver.” Indeed, people are often imprisoned for life by the things they couldn’t have in their youth. At that moment, when I saw the bracelet, I ultimately softened. From childhood to adulthood, Beckett had always been by my side. He played the roles of friend and older brother, and I had developed some feelings for him that I shouldn’t have. Besides him, I had no one else to rely on. Maybe I should forgive him? Back in the dorm, after thinking for a long time, I finally sent him an emoji. Beckett also sent an emoji back in sync, And sent me a ticket to the swimming pool, asking if I wanted to go swimming tomorrow. The smile on my face froze for a moment. Had he forgotten? Tomorrow was my period.
The next day, I still decided to keep the appointment. I put on some light makeup but didn’t wear a swimsuit. I thought Beckett must have been too busy lately and didn’t pay attention to when my period was. I could just watch him swim from the side. When I arrived at the swimming pool, I found a group of people gathered at the entrance, both men and women, with Lily among them. Seeing me arrive, the group of guys flashed a look of mockery: “How boring, those with bad figures really don’t dare to show off. So this is all the campus beauty amounts to? I still prefer girls who are more open and confident.” I frowned. Lily covered her mouth and laughed lightly, “Can’t be helped, some people are just petty. I don’t know why Beckett even invited her.” Beckett’s face didn’t look too good either, probably feeling a bit embarrassed. “Didn’t I tell you to wear a swimsuit? How are you going to swim in a short-sleeved shirt and long pants?” “I’m on my period.” So he really had forgotten. Beckett’s brow flashed a hint of displeasure. “Why did it have to be today? But swimming during your period should be fine, right?” Seeing that I didn’t say anything, he seemed to realize his words were inappropriate and tugged at the hem of my shirt, pleading: “Come on, Zoe, I’m not a girl, forgive me for not knowing. Please?” Then he suddenly turned around and said, “Last time Zoe publicly embarrassed Lily, so I specially called her out today for Zoe to apologize to you, Lily.” I looked back at him in disbelief. “Why should I?” Why should I apologize? It was Lily who brought in people through connections, how did this become my fault? Beckett pulled me aside and whispered in my ear: “Think of the bigger picture, Zoe. I need this research achievement to get my foot in the door at a renowned company. You don’t want to be poor with me forever, do you?” I keenly caught the key point: “Poor with you forever?” “Yes.” He turned to face me, his expression bland, but if you looked closely, there was a hint of disdain in his eyes: “Zoe, I know you’ve always liked me, and I like you too. If you apologize to Lily now, I’ll agree to be with you. Otherwise, I’ll agree to be with Lily.” As he spoke, for some reason he suddenly became haughty: “After all, we have over a decade of feelings between us, I can’t bear to let you go. As long as you apologize and stay in the research group to help me, I’ll be with you.” I took a few steps back, looking Beckett up and down carefully, and finally shook my head: “You’re really so confident, aren’t you?” “What?” He didn’t quite hear clearly. Habit is a terrifying thing. Beckett and I could be considered childhood sweethearts. From elementary school, middle school, high school, to now in university, we’ve always been in the same school. For so long, I got used to him, relied on him, and fell in love with him. Beckett is a year older than me. Since I was little, I was fostered at my uncle’s house, and Beckett was the next-door neighbor. When I was young, children’s emotions were very obvious. As long as my cousin disliked me, everyone living in that area would isolate me. Only Beckett was different. He always included me, bringing food for me and letting me join in games. You could say that the little warmth in my childhood all came from Beckett. He could indeed manipulate me. I always did whatever he said. But for some reason, starting from that breakfast incident, I really felt so tired of dealing with him. I even thought that if he liked someone else, he should just go ahead, and stop bothering me. During this standoff, the swimming coach came over. “Those of you who are swimming, be careful.” The coach suddenly produced a chair from the side and gave it to me: “I see you’ve been holding your stomach. You must be on your period, right? My daughter is just like you every time she has her period, looking so uncomfortable.” I unconsciously touched my face. Was it that obvious? If even a stranger could notice, how could Beckett not know?
“Alright. Think about it carefully.” With that, Beckett went towards Lily. “Oh right, we’re going out for dinner after swimming. Remember to book the restaurant.” I didn’t move, watching as Beckett took out a bag of water bottles, giving the only uniquely packaged one to Lily. The ones he gave to others were all the same. Lily looked a bit shy, and everyone else teased them. I suddenly remembered that when we were kids playing house, Beckett did the same thing. He bought a bunch of lollipops, giving the only special one to the prettiest girl, asking her to play his wife, while distributing the identical ones to the rest of us. He won our hearts while achieving his goal. Everyone ate their lollipops on the spot, but I kept mine, hiding it away, too precious to eat. Because it was the first time I had gotten a snack that was just for me. Later, when Beckett found out, he bought me a few similar ones, but never gave me that special one again. I couldn’t help but laugh. Even though I knew he was just using the most common way to win people over, I was the one he had won over most successfully, Without any complaints. I was never his special treatment, Just one of the willing victims in his wide net. On the way to dinner, I carried bags for Beckett and his group as usual, walking a bit slower. By the time Beckett reached the private room I had booked, he messaged me saying they had already ordered, While I was still halfway there. Maybe because I had been following behind Beckett since I was little, I was used to him walking in front, with me slowly following behind alone. When I reached the door of the private room, I could hear Lily’s voice from inside, “Beckett, can you really make Zoe apologize to me? She’s known as the ice queen, doesn’t care about anyone.” “Don’t worry. You saw just now, I asked her to carry our bags and she didn’t say anything. Just an apology, what’s the big deal? She’s been following me like a dog since she was little, give her a little treat and she’ll come along. Besides, apart from me, she has no one else she can trust.” A few guys were also flattering him, putting me down. My hand that was about to knock on the door paused. I put down the bags and quietly listened at the door. “Beckett is really something! But Beckett, what kind of love potion did you give Zoe to make her so devoted to you?” “Yeah, yeah! Beckett is so lucky, with Zoe on one side and Lily on the other.” I heard Beckett sneer, “What love potion? She’s just too starved for love. Show her a little kindness and she’ll be willing to die for you. Don’t talk nonsense, I only like Lily. As for Zoe… she’s too eager, a bit cheap.” There was laughter inside. Strangely, I felt nothing in my heart. I even found it a bit boring, as if I had locked myself in a room, quietly waiting for it to crumble and collapse into ruins. Slowly, I finally saw the light of day again. I put down the bags and went to eat a bowl of noodles by myself, then bought some pastries I liked. My whole body felt warm and cozy. Then I took some time to block and delete all of Beckett’s contact information, And found a campus errand runner to return all the gifts Beckett had given me, including that silver bracelet. Actually, that bracelet wasn’t even pure silver, let alone gold. I knew as soon as I put it on. I’m not an idiot, I just used to be willing to play along with Beckett’s act, deceiving myself.
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