Husband’s 5 AM search query: “What kind of perfume is safe for pregnant women?” But because of what I did to save him, I can never have children. When I finally resolved to leave him, he pulled me back into his embrace. “I just want a child, Nora.” “The child will only know you as their mother. Please, don’t leave me.” But my mind is set—there’s no turning back now. My engagement with my husband was never approved by his family. Declan’s father married into the family and died early under unexpected circumstances. He was raised by his mother alone, and he holds her in the highest respect, which I’m well aware of. So when Declan stood up to his mother for my sake, it felt like a profound act of love. Even though she agreed to our engagement, his mother never allowed me to call her “mom.” I had to address her as “Mrs. Declan,” just like the servants did. Mrs. Declan always regarded me with disdain, often saying I was born to bring her misfortune. Therefore, I dreaded visiting their ancestral home. Still, the monthly family dinner on the fifteenth was unavoidable. The Declan family home is vast and imposing. Usually, it only houses Mrs. Declan and a few distant relatives, but today, youthful laughter filled the air. “Aunt, you should definitely talk to Declan when he gets here.” “Why wait for him, Aunt? He’s being mischievous!” The girl with long curls and a big red bow laughed, her naturally rosy cheeks free of makeup. I touched my own face, my complexion sallow despite the thick foundation, and felt disheartened. Her name was Phoebe Thompson, a child of Mrs. Declan’s old friend. “Phoebe’s father was also a best friend to Declan’s father, a lifesaver to us,” Mrs. Declan remarked sharply, reminding me of a debt to exert pressure. I, too, owed Declan a debt of life. “Hello, Young Mrs. Declan.” Phoebe extended her slender hand for a handshake. I was taken aback. No one in the Declan home ever addressed me that way. They always called me “Hey, you.” Mrs. Declan pulled Phoebe’s hand into her own. “Why waste words on her.” She motioned for me to leave, “Go inside, don’t get in my way.” I obediently turned to leave; I’ve heard this countless times. Being sent inside was actually a relief. Phoebe’s perfume lingered, irritating my sensitive nose. I couldn’t help but gag, which earned me a look of disdain from Mrs. Declan. “Ugh, are you feigning morning sickness?” “You’re not young anymore. Have you thought about having children?” Mrs. Declan brought up children, fully aware of my inability to have any. This was one reason she disapproved of my marriage to Declan. After we started dating, his friends looked down on me, saying I wasn’t a match for him. But Declan never criticized me, insisting they didn’t see my true worth. He said as long as he understood, that was enough. I didn’t need friends, only him. I agreed; having him was all I needed. Later… We were kidnapped together. I was just collateral; they only wanted Declan. That night is a blur. The doctor said my brain protected me by clouding the memory. I only remember taking a stab meant for Declan. The knife pierced my abdomen, shattering my future as a mother. In the ambulance, Declan held me. It was the first time I saw him cry. He promised he’d never leave me. “Only death can part us.” I believed him. Teenage promises have a way of being convincing.
At the family dinner, I was seated at the far end of the long table with distant relatives. They were used to it and openly laughed at me. Declan finally returned from work, sitting right beside me. “Nora, why are your hands so cold? Get some hot tea,” he said, and someone immediately replaced my cold drink. “Mom, are you picking on Nora again?” I tugged on Declan’s arm, trying to prevent a confrontation. “As if I dare bully her,” Mrs. Declan said calmly. “Have you seen Phoebe?” Declan’s hand stiffened, his grip on mine painful. I called his name several times before he responded. “I see Phoebe as a sister, don’t overthink it.” My heart sank; he was lying. He rubbed his thumb on his hand whenever he lied. Phoebe waved from Mrs. Declan’s left, “Declan, come. I peeled shrimp for you.” Declan released my hand, quietly moving over. “Nora, we’ll go home after.” Even if it was a dream, I didn’t want to break it. The next moment, Mrs. Declan spoke, and I felt a chill to my bones. “Declan, I gave Phoebe the Phoenix Jade.” The Declan family has a pair of jade pendants, a dragon and a phoenix. Declan has the dragon, but Mrs. Declan refused to give me the phoenix. She said someone like me wasn’t worthy. My nose felt blocked; I couldn’t breathe. I opened my mouth, taking deep breaths. “Nora, don’t overthink. We don’t need any jade. Next week’s auction, I’ll buy a better one and carve it for you.” I nodded, but deep down, I knew I wouldn’t get either the Phoenix Jade or the one Declan promised to carve. Everyone watched me with mocking smiles. My heart was in chaos; I dared not look up, fearing their ridicule. Looking up, Mrs. Declan, Uncle Robert, and Declan seemed like a real family. That perfume scent returned… I felt nauseous.
I woke from a nightmare, one I often have since taking that stab for Declan. In it, I run up endless stairs, never reaching the top. Beside me, Declan slept peacefully, gently snoring. At that moment, his phone screen lit up with a notification: “Laughing at my own 5 AM search history.” I clicked it, revealing Declan’s search: “What perfume can a pregnant woman use?” I froze, dropping the phone onto the bed, the pale screen reflecting my gloomy face. I dreaded the word “pregnant” because I could never be. Phoebe’s perfume lingered in my nose, making me gag. Declan sleepily pulled me into his arms. “Nora, why aren’t you asleep? We have to get up early tomorrow.” Resting in his embrace, I murmured, “Declan, will you betray me?” My voice was a faint whisper. Declan seemed not to hear. He soothingly patted my back, “Nora, another nightmare? I’ll go with you to see a therapist tomorrow, okay?” I didn’t want therapy; I wasn’t sick. I just feared Declan leaving me. I didn’t want to return to being alone. I’d been in a warm bubble too long and feared the cold outside. Pressing against his warm chest, I stopped thinking and drifted into sleep with his voice.
I met Declan in college. I was an exchange student in a foreign country for a year. He was a campus star, tall, handsome, athletic, fluent in three languages. Not just the heir to the Declan Group, he also had his own promising projects. Such a golden boy wouldn’t notice someone like me. Once, I got lost in the school building, and he was the only one around. I gathered the courage to ask for directions. Unexpectedly, he was kind and personally led me to the office. He asked my name, learned we were from the same province, and said I could reach out if I needed anything. He said we were friends and should support each other abroad. I was touched. Growing up, I was always on the sidelines. I had an older sister and a younger brother. My family had too many children, so I was sent to live with my aunt. At ten, I was brought back because my brother still couldn’t speak. I studied hard, knowing it was my only way out. Thankfully, my efforts turned my life around. I scored so well that county, village, and town officials came for the ribbon-cutting. My parents took the scholarship money. I worked part-time and managed to go to college. I worked long and hard for this exchange opportunity. Focusing on studies left me little time for friends. In the foreign country, I had none. But now, I had my first friend, and such a distinguished one. I was almost moved to tears. Once more, I mustered the courage to ask for his contact. I thought I might never use it, but… but… I really wanted to stay close to him. Early the next morning, Declan left without recalling the late-night discussion about a therapist. I understood he was busy with work, but he wasn’t like this before. Previously, no matter how big the business was, he prioritized accompanying me to the hospital. While I was pondering this, Mrs. Declan texted me to meet. Her first words shattered my hope and broke my sheltered world. “Sophia is pregnant, and the child is Declan’s.” She explained Sophia was the child of Declan’s father’s friend. That friend had passed away, and Sophia was raised by Mrs. Declan since she was young. Suddenly, I realized why Sophia seemed familiar. I had seen her before as a child, much younger than me. But now, she’s grown up. “Sophia is a good girl; she’s liked Declan since she was young and doesn’t mind being with him without a formal title.” “She got pregnant so quickly, unlike you.”
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