My Homely Wife Blew Up My Entire Internet Fame

1 Bored out of my skull at home, I dragged my wife to join a couples’ reality show. She was a woman who seemed surgically attached to her faded sweatpants and fuzzy slippers. The internet immediately ripped us to shreds. [A washed out actor and a deadbeat couch potato. A match made in heaven.] [What does Cole even see in her? Does he like the way her slippers squeak? Or maybe he loves how she outruns grandmas for discounted eggs at the grocery store?] Right after the broadcast started, the hottest rising star Jaxon paraded his elite corporate wife around, soaking up all the spotlight. The producers asked both couples what they had been up to lately. Riley dangled one of her fuzzy slippers from her toes. “Fishing down at the local pay to fish pond.” I scratched my head. “Living off my wife’s savings.” Jaxon practically oozed a sickening sense of superiority. He flawlessly flexed that his wife had just been hired as a Vice President at Apex Holdings, pulling in a cool three million dollars a year. Then he shot me a look of pure, fabricated pity. “Hey Cole, why don’t I have my wife get yours a janitorial gig at Apex? At least she would get dental and a 401k.” My mouth twitched uncontrollably. I genuinely did not have the heart to shatter his little fantasy. Because the actual founder and Chairman of Apex Holdings was currently tugging on the hem of my shirt with big, pitiful eyes. “Honey, we can talk about the janitor gig later. My two dollar bargain bin fishing rod snapped yesterday. Can I get a ten buck bump on my allowance tomorrow?” Jaxon covered his mouth, laughing so hard tears actually formed in the corners of his eyes. “Cole, your wife is absolutely hilarious.” Sienna’s lips curled into a smug smirk. “We actually are hiring cleaning staff at Apex right now. If Cole’s lady is struggling, just say the word.” Riley aggressively scratched her messy hair. “A real job? No way. That would totally cut into my fishing time.” The live chat instantly flooded with question marks. [This woman is unbelievable! Absolute trash!] [Cole is going to be dragged down for the rest of his life by this street bum.] [Sienna is such a boss. That is a high value woman right there. The other couple is an absolute joke.] I looked at Riley’s gorgeous face. It was a face that somehow radiated an aura of pure, unadulterated foolishness. I rolled my eyes hard. “No ten dollar raise. Five bucks, max.” I rejected her coldly. Riley squatted on the ground, looking entirely wronged. “Fine, five bucks it is. At least I can buy two boxes of premium nightcrawlers.” Seeing the tension, the director raised his megaphone and cleared his throat. “It seems our two couples have vastly different lifestyles.” “To give the audience a more direct look at your spending habits, we are moving into our first interactive segment.” “Wives, please hand over your phones. We will project your shopping cart histories onto the big screen.” Jaxon’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. He practically sprinted to hand Sienna’s sleek phone to the production staff. I nudged Riley’s slipper with my foot. “Hand it over.” Riley flinched like she had been electrocuted and clamped both hands over her sweatpant pockets. “No way! This is a total invasion of privacy!” Her suspicious reaction sent the livestream chat into an absolute frenzy. [Oh my god! This jobless loser definitely has something shady on her phone!] [Check her right now! These deadbeats who live off their partners are always the ones cheating!] “Did your girl buy something she shouldn’t have behind your back, Cole?” Sienna let out a soft, mocking laugh. “I suppose it makes sense. Zero income brings a lot of stress. Finding cheap thrills on the side is perfectly normal.” I stared at Riley’s shifting, guilty eyes. A flare of irritation sparked in my chest. This little gremlin spent her entire life fishing and cooking my dinners. Was she actually hiding something from me? “Riley.” My voice dropped an octave, dripping with ice. “Are you going to take it out, or do I have to do it myself?” Riley swallowed hard. She looked up at me like a kicked puppy. “Honey, it is really nothing bad. It is just… it is kind of embarrassing.” “Hand it over!” I was entirely out of patience. I reached right into her pocket, fished out the phone, and tossed it to the staff. Riley clutched her face in agony and let out a dramatic wail. “It is over. My pristine reputation is ruined.” The staff opened Sienna’s luxury shopping app first. Item one: A high end designer men’s watch, priced at ninety thousand dollars. Item two: Custom handcrafted golf clubs, priced at fifty six thousand dollars. Item three: Bespoke diamond cufflinks, priced at over two hundred thousand dollars. A collective gasp echoed through the studio. Jaxon covered his face, blushing with a perfectly rehearsed bashfulness. The comments went wild. [Oh my god! Is this the power of a three million dollar salary?!] [She spoils him so much! Sienna is the dream wife!] [This is how you do the female CEO aesthetic properly!] The director nodded in deep satisfaction and signaled the cameras to pan right. “Now, let us take a look at Miss Riley’s shopping cart.” The staff clicked on a bright orange, notoriously cheap knockoff app on Riley’s home screen. Rows of loud, colorful, deeply discounted items popped onto the massive screen. Item one: [NIGHT ANGLER PRO] Ultra bright headlamp. Original price five bucks, slash the price with friends to get it for just ninety nine cents! Item two: [GRANDPA CHIC] Pure cotton sweat absorbent tank top. Clearance price three dollars. Item three: [POND KILLER] Secret recipe catfish bait. Buy two get one free. Two dollars and fifty cents. Item four: Lifetime subscription to an auto checkout bot for grocery store egg discounts. Sixty bucks. The entire studio plunged into a deafening silence. Five whole seconds passed. Then the live chat exploded with a magnitude never seen before. [What the hell is secret catfish bait?! This chick actually fishes at pay ponds!] [Slash the price to ninety nine cents?! I am dying of laughter!] [Sienna buys high fashion, Riley buys grandpa tank tops. What kind of agonizing life is Cole living?!] Jaxon let out a loud snort. “Cole, I am so sorry, I did not mean to laugh.” “But your lady is just… she is just so down to earth!” Sienna shook her head, her face plastered with thick, syrupy sympathy. “Riley, if you are really hurting for cash, I can reimburse you for these.” I stared dead at the rows of absolute junk on the screen. The veins in my temples were visibly throbbing. I turned my head slowly to look at Riley. She was still squatting on the floor with both hands covering her face. “Is this what you meant by embarrassing?” I asked through gritted teeth. Riley peeked one eye through the gap in her fingers. She looked completely devastated. “You just do not understand, honey.” “That headlamp might only be ninety nine cents, but it is incredibly bright! It is a game changer for watching the bobber at night!” She pointed desperately at the fourth item. “And the local supermarket marks down their eggs every night at nine. Those grandmas move like professional sprinters. I can never beat them!” “With this bot, I can lock in the inventory and instantly snipe the deal!” The room went dead silent again. The chat stalled for a full ten seconds before another nuclear explosion of text took over. [Help me! Spending sixty bucks on an egg sniping bot? What kind of chaotic brain operates like this?!] [Incredible! If my mom had this bot, she would wipe out the entire grocery store!] [Cole looks like his soul just left his body! Hahahaha!] The director rushed in for damage control. “It appears Miss Riley is a remarkably practical person.” “Ahem, well, let us move on to our next task.” “The crew will now confiscate all wallets and phones.” “For the next two days, you must earn your own living expenses. The first couple to earn one thousand five hundred dollars wins and gets to stay in the luxury Presidential Suite.” “The losers will be sleeping outside in a leaky tent.” The staff immediately moved forward to collect our things. Sienna handed over her phone and designer wallet with absolute grace. “Making money? That is child’s play for me.” When it was our turn, Riley guarded her pockets with her life. “No! I just added the pond owner on Snapchat! He stocked the pond with a hundred pounds of massive bass today!” “I need real time updates!” The staff member looked at me, pleading for help. I reached out and smacked the back of Riley’s head. “Hand it over! You will get it back when we finish shooting, or you are sleeping on the couch tonight!” Riley pouted heavily, pulling her phone out along with two dull quarters. “This is my secret stash. I was going to buy spicy chips with this…” The audience erupted into laughter. Sienna did not even try to hide the sheer disgust in her eyes. The timer started. Sienna took Jaxon straight to the city’s highest end financial district. She smoothly talked her way into an exclusive investment mixer, laughing and clinking glasses with men in tailored suits. Jaxon stood off to the side, looking impossibly proud. Then the camera cut to us. Riley was squatting on the curb, chewing on a blade of grass. She was staring blankly across the street at a group of park Zumba moms. “Honey, if I go lead their dance routine, how much do you think they would tip me?” I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. “With your stiff joints, they would think you are trying to scam them for medical bills.” Just as we were trying to figure out how to avoid starving, a sleek black Maybach suddenly screeched to a halt right in front of us. “Oh my god! Boss! It really is you!” A heavy set man practically climbed out of the passenger window in his excitement. “I was watching the livestream and thought I was hallucinating! What are you doing squatting on the curb?” It was Mr. Henderson, the city’s most notorious real estate tycoon. Riley spit out the blade of grass and lazily lifted her eyelids. “Hey Henderson. Can you not see the cameras? I went bankrupt. I am begging on the streets.” Henderson’s eyes darted around, catching on quickly. “Understood! Say no more!” He hopped out and pulled a massive cooler from his trunk. “Boss, this is top tier Wagyu beef I just had flown in from overseas.” “Slice it for me, and I will pay you five hundred bucks for the manual labor! How does that sound?” The chat went completely ballistic. [What the hell? Who is this fat guy?] [This is so staged! The producers have no shame! They are faking it just to make Cole look good!] Riley waved her hand in pure disgust. “Slicing meat takes too much effort. I might strain my fishing wrist.” “Pass.” Henderson started sweating profusely. “Then… then how about you wash my car? Just spray it with the hose for a second! I will give you fifteen hundred!” The viewers collectively lost their minds. [Is this a car wash or money laundering?! Where are the broadcast regulators?!] [Sienna is inside busting her ass to secure investments, and Riley is out here hiring paid actors! This makes me sick!] Riley rubbed her chin. “Just spraying water… fine.” She grabbed the hose Henderson offered and carelessly splashed some water on the immaculate, gleaming Maybach. “Done. Pay up.” Riley tossed the hose on the ground. Henderson respectfully pulled out a thick stack of cash. “Your water spraying technique is incredibly artistic! You have practically blessed my vehicle!” I stood off to the side, wishing the earth would open up and swallow me whole. The blatant bootlicking was so aggressive it was making me physically cringe. With the cash secured, we effortlessly won the challenge and checked into the Presidential Suite. Meanwhile, Sienna and Jaxon were forced to miserably set up their leaky tent outside. Early the next morning, the director gathered all the guests in the main hall. “Cole, you two cheated!” Jaxon screamed at the top of his lungs, pointing a trembling finger right at my face. “Fifteen hundred dollars to spray a car? Do you think the audience is entirely stupid?!” Sienna glared coldly at the director. “Are the producers going to let this slide?” “I can have Apex Holdings pull every single cent of sponsorship money from this show with a single phone call.” The director started sweating buckets. “Please calm down, Sienna. It is definitely a controversial situation…” “Cole, Riley, your methods yesterday clearly violated the spirit of the rules. The production team has decided to void your results.” “As a penalty, you must complete double the workload today.” I actually laughed out loud. “Violated the rules? Which page of the rulebook says we cannot wash a friend’s car?” “Sienna can use her corporate connections to pull money at a mixer, but we cannot use our connections to wash a car?” “Why do you not just rename the show ‘Sienna’s Solo Showcase’ and get it over with?” Jaxon scoffed loudly. “Connections? You call that connections? You hired a cheap actor!” Sienna took a step forward, towering over Riley with a lethal glare. “I do not care what kind of gutter trash tricks you used yesterday. Today, I will not let you find a single loophole.” “In the face of true power, your pathetic little street smarts mean absolutely nothing.” Riley let out a massive yawn and casually dug a pinky into her ear. “Right. Are you done?” “If you are done, can I go eat breakfast now? The lobster porridge in the suite is getting cold.” Her absolute refusal to care completely shattered Sienna’s composure. She lunged forward and grabbed Riley by the collar of her cheap shirt. “Stop playing the fool!” “Do you believe me when I say that with one word, I can have you thrown off this show right this second?!” The atmosphere in the room plummeted below freezing. The cameras zoomed in tight, refusing to miss a single second of the explosive drama. “Vice President Sienna, your clothes are very expensive.” “If you tear something, you will not be able to afford the replacement.” Sienna looked at Riley like she had just heard the funniest joke in the world. “I cannot afford it? I could buy ten thousand of these rags just to set them on fire!” She violently let go, pulling out a silk handkerchief to wipe her hands in disgust. Then she snatched a glossy folder from her assistant and slammed it onto the table. “Take a good look at this, Cole.” I frowned, picking up the folder and opening to the first page. It was a Joint Declaration of a Total Industry Blacklist Against Mr. Cole. The bottom was entirely covered in the official crimson stamps of every single subsidiary under Apex Holdings. Film, commercial, fashion… a total, inescapable blockade. The last page was a lawsuit demanding catastrophic breach of contract damages. It claimed my damaged public image had harmed their brand, demanding a penalty of ten million dollars. “Ten million dollars.” Sienna’s cold, calculating voice echoed through the studio. “Cole, you are a washed out has-been. You could sell your organs on the black market and still not come up with that kind of cash.” The live chat turned into an absolute bloodbath. [I knew I hated Cole and his wife! Finally, some justice!] [Ten million! Cole’s entire life is over.] [This is brutal. Is this really necessary…] “Sienna, is this… is this really the right place for this?” the director pleaded weakly. “Shut up!” Sienna snapped fiercely. “Apex Holdings just bought this show out entirely!” She looked down her nose at me and Riley, her eyes brimming with pure malice. “I am giving you three seconds.” “Get on your knees, beg for forgiveness, and announce your retirement from the industry.” “Otherwise, the court summons will be waiting on your doorstep tomorrow morning.” Sienna started the countdown. Jaxon held up his phone, ready to record our humiliating defeat. “Three.” “Two.” “One.” Riley pulled out her phone and slowly unlocked the screen. “Since you are acting like such a big shot, let us play a fun little game.” “Let us cast the Apex Holdings Executive Management group chat onto the big screen. Let us see just how much weight this Vice President throws around at the office.” The entire room erupted in shock. Jaxon outright barked a laugh. “You have the Apex executives’ group chat? Who do you think you are? The Chairman of the Board?” Sienna crossed her arms, smirking coldly. “Impersonating Apex employees is a felony. Our legal team will absolutely ruin you for this.” Riley ignored them completely and jammed the cable right into her phone. The giant screen flashed. A group chat titled [Apex Holdings Beggars Group] appeared for the entire world to see. [Bob (CEO)] [David (CFO)] [Marcus (Legal Director)] The comment section instantly flatlined. [Holy shit… she actually has it!] [I just googled it, the CEO of Apex really is named Bob!] [What is up with that group name? Beggars Group? I am crying!] Sienna stared unblinking at the screen. A cold bead of sweat slid down her forehead. Riley typed a quick message into the chat. [@Bob, Bobby boy, come out and greet our guests.] Everyone held their breath, their eyes glued to the massive screen. Less than three seconds later. A reply popped up. [Bob (CEO)]: You absolute menace! When are you coming back to sign the papers?! The representatives for the five billion dollar overseas merger have been trapped in conference room B for three days! Right after, the other executives started flooding the chat. [David (CFO)]: Boss! I emailed you the quarterly financials a month ago! Just look at them for five minutes, I am begging you! [Marcus (Legal Director)]: Please have mercy on us! Forget the fish! Pay attention to us! The messages on the big screen were scrolling up at warp speed. Every single one was a desperate complaint about Riley entirely abandoning her job. And right there, plain as day, Riley’s nickname in the group chat was fully visible: [Your Lord and Savior (Chairman)].

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