The summer I turned eighteen, Liam took my virginity. I endured the pain, secretly thrilled the whole night, thinking my six-year crush had finally blossomed into true love. That was, until the next day, when I overheard his friends teasing him. “Not bad, man. The good girl let you pop her cherry.” I felt a flush of embarrassment and was just about to quietly slip away when I heard Liam’s nonchalant reply. “I want to go after Chloe, but I was afraid she’d think I was too inexperienced. “I just used Maya to practice my technique.” I didn’t say a word. Right before the college decision deadline, I silently logged into the portal and changed my commitment from Boston to Miami. 1 Liam’s words struck me like a bolt of lightning from a clear sky. My mind went completely blank. Despite the sweltering summer heat, my entire body turned ice cold. The conversation in the empty classroom continued. The guys seemed to pause in shock before speaking again. “Damn, Liam. Only you would use the sweet girl next door for target practice.” “Doesn’t that basically make her your, what, placeholder?” Liam laughed dismissively. “Don’t talk nonsense. It’s not like she lost out on the deal.” Someone immediately chimed in. “True, true. Maya’s a bit too skinny anyway. Compared to Chloe, her body is…” Liam threw a textbook at the guy, cutting him off. “It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. The vibe was right, and honestly, she looked like she wanted it so bad…” The guys exchanged knowing looks and kept joking. “Who knew the quiet girl was so thirsty?” “Tsk, tsk. Our boy Liam is just too charming. Free meat delivered to your mouth, might as well take a bite.” “Maya’s been trailing after you for years. She finally got what she wanted. She’s probably been dreaming of jumping you.” The laughter in the room grew deafening. I bit my lower lip so hard I tasted blood, my hands balled into tight fists. It took everything in me just to keep from collapsing outside that door. Footsteps approached from the end of the hall. I snapped out of my daze and fled the scene in a panic, locking myself in a bathroom stall. 2 The tears of heartbreak and humiliation finally broke through. Liam’s words echoed in my mind, over and over, syllable by syllable. They completely obliterated whatever self-esteem I had left. If I hadn’t heard it with my own ears, I wouldn’t have believed that the boy who held me so tenderly and passionately last night was the exact same person. It turns out you can do the most intimate things with someone without loving them at all. Even in the most passionate, breathless moments, people can still lie. The “happy ending” I foolishly believed in was just a sick joke for him and his friends. The harder I cried, the more it hurt. I didn’t even dare to make a sound. My body just shook uncontrollably. A long time passed. My phone buzzed with a text notification. It was Liam. [Take an Uber home yourself. The senior class is having a party tonight, it’s not convenient to bring you.] I didn’t reply. He sent another one. [Don’t forget to go buy a Plan B pill. I don’t have time today. Make sure you take it, be a good girl.] I stared at those two texts for a long time. From dusk until dawn yesterday, Liam had tossed and turned with me. When we were both exhausted, right before he pulled me into his arms to sleep, he whispered it twice. “I didn’t have protection for our first time. I’ll make sure to buy you the pill tomorrow.” He even lectured me about how girls need to protect themselves, that I had to take the morning-after pill or it would hurt my body. At the time, I thought he was being so responsible. I thought I had finally found my happiness. But now… In a split second, I sobered up. I dug my nails into my palms, forcing the tears to stop. I wiped my face, straightened my clothes, and walked out of the bathroom. I was too embarrassed to go to a pharmacy in person, so I ordered the pill on a delivery app. When the driver left it at my door, I waited a long time before I dared to sneak out and grab it. Swallowing the pill through my tears, I felt like all my strength had been drained. I just sat blankly on my bedroom rug. Ever since Liam’s family moved in next door ten years ago, I had been his little shadow. I had never imagined what a world without him looked like. I was too scared to. But from now on, it was just going to be me. Outside the floor-to-ceiling windows, the streetlights flickered on, then gradually went out. I don’t know how much time passed before my best friend, Harper, FaceTimed me. “Maya, why didn’t you come to the party with Liam tonight? “Chloe from the liberal arts track is here. With you gone, she’s practically throwing herself at him. They’re being so gross right now.” Harper flipped the camera. 3 In a dim corner of the VIP room, Liam and the school’s “IT girl,” Chloe, were sitting pressed against each other. Chloe was wearing a crop top and a tight denim skirt that accentuated her tiny waist and long legs. The two of them had clearly isolated themselves from the rest of the group. They were whispering so closely they were practically rubbing cheeks. Even though the screen, the thick, palpable tension between them was suffocating. My chest tightened uncontrollably. He said this afternoon he wanted to go after her. Looks like he already caught her tonight. During a game of Truth or Dare, Chloe pulled a card demanding she lie on the floor while a guy did pushups over her. Unsurprisingly, Liam volunteered immediately. The crowd went wild. Blushing, Chloe lay down obediently on the sofa. Liam hovered above her, easily knocking out dozens of pushups. He was very restrained the whole time, trying his best not to let his body touch hers. Until the very last one. I don’t know if his arms gave out, or if he did it on purpose. He collapsed, his entire body pressing directly on top of Chloe’s. The screams and cheers around them nearly blew the roof off. Both of their faces turned crimson. Amidst the chaotic chanting, Liam simply lowered his head and kissed her. They made out like nobody else was in the room. It lasted for three whole minutes before they reluctantly pulled apart. For those agonizing three minutes, I stared blankly at the screen, forgetting how to breathe. My heart felt like it was being ripped open. I wanted to cry, but I had cried so much that afternoon without drinking any water. I physically had no tears left. “Tsk, tsk. Did you see that, Maya? There was literally a string of saliva when they pulled apart. He’s obsessed.” Harper sighed and flipped the camera, walking out of the noisy room. She found a quiet corner in the hall and looked at me seriously. “Don’t be mad at me, Maya. I knew if I didn’t make you watch it with your own eyes, you’d never give up on him.” My throat was parched. The words I forced out sounded rusty. “Yeah. I’m not mad at you.” I was mad at myself for being an idiot for so many years. I thought just because I was the only one allowed to stay by his side, that spot belonged to me. “I just can’t stand him,” Harper vented. “He knows you’ve been in love with him forever. Why play the innocent boy and string you along, watching you fall deeper and deeper? “You saw it yourself. I really hope you think this through. Don’t let him waste your next four years of college too…” “I won’t, Harper.” I cut her off, stating it calmly. “I’m not giving myself another chance to be a fool. “Harper, I’ve decided. I’m going to Miami with you. “But you have to promise to keep it a secret for now.” 4 To make sure I couldn’t hesitate, I opened my laptop right while she watched. Without a second thought, just moments before the portal closed for good, I changed my commitment to that famous university in Miami. Harper, naturally, was screaming with joy. She had been begging me to go to the same school as her for months. But when we first started high school, Liam and I had made a pact. We were going to work hard and head to Boston together—his dream city. That was where his top-choice aerospace engineering program was. Even though I hated the freezing northern winters and had zero interest in STEM schools, I made it my ultimate goal for three years. Growing up as neighbors, both our parents were thrilled at the prospect of us attending college in the same city. Everyone, including me, thought that once we became adults, it was only natural that we’d become a couple. But now, I had zero reasons to go to Boston. Or rather, after today, if I kept clinging to Liam like I used to, I would absolutely despise myself. I just wanted to hide as far away as possible. Anywhere was fine, as long as Liam wasn’t there. He was going to the East Coast. So I was going south. 5 Before bed, I filled the bathtub to the brim, wanting to scrub myself entirely clean. But when I took off my clothes, the purple and red bruises on my skin were glaringly obvious. The memories of last night rushed back uncontrollably. The scorching heat of his skin when we held each other tight, the burning breath against my ear when he lost control—the residual warmth still seemed to haunt the room. I shook my head violently, trying to shake off the absurdity. I grabbed the roughest exfoliating sponge I owned and scrubbed my skin over and over again, only stopping when my entire body was raw and red. It was a clumsy attempt to erase the most humiliating memory of my life. The result was that it hurt so much I tossed and turned all night. Liam, as expected, didn’t send a single message. He broke the streak of saying goodnight to each other every single day for the past six years. It was for the best. This day was bound to come anyway. The withdrawal process starts tonight. I finally fell into a hazy sleep near dawn. The next morning, I was still dead asleep when I felt someone press a soft kiss against my forehead. 6 I jolted awake. When I opened my eyes, I saw a familiar jawline and Adam’s apple. The scent hovering over me was Liam’s favorite cedarwood cologne, mixed with a faint, unfamiliar trace of lemon perfume. I almost forgot—Liam always knew my front door code. Seeing me wake up, Liam moved down, chuckling as he tried to kiss my lips. I panicked and jerked my head away. I shoved him back and scrambled to the other side of the bed. Liam paused, teasing me. “Still shy? Hmm?” I didn’t answer. I just pulled the blanket up over my head. Liam started scolding me while trying to pull the blanket down. “Maya, you’ve got some nerve. You didn’t even say goodnight yesterday, and you turned your phone off. “And now you’re hiding from me?” He moved fast, sliding right into my bed. Before I could react, he had wrapped his arms completely around me. “Be good. How many times have I told you, you can’t skip breakfast. “I went on a run this morning and picked up those artisan breakfast sandwiches from that place downtown. I waited in line forever. “Do you want to get up and eat now, or do you want to… be eaten first?” His breath was right against my skin, his hands wandering over me. Snapping out of my grogginess, I fought him off like my life depended on it. But I’m barely 5’3″. I was absolutely no match for a guy who was 6’2″. I honestly couldn’t understand what was going through his head. He had Chloe now. Why was he still messing with me? After struggling until I was gasping for air, I hadn’t broken free. Instead, he hugged me tighter. “What’s your deal today? “Are you mad? Just because I didn’t take you to the party last night?” I didn’t say a word. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and laughed. “Let me guess. Your bestie gave you the play-by-play? “It was just a game. Is it really worth being jealous over? “Why are you still like this? Anytime I get even slightly close to another girl, you throw a silent tantrum.” I was so furious I couldn’t even form a sentence. Remembering a move from a self-defense class, I jerked my knee up and aimed right for his groin. As he groaned in pain, I scrambled off the bed. “Maya!” Liam gritted his teeth, his face flushing red. I quickly threw a hoodie over my pajamas and hurried out to the living room. I didn’t want to be in the same room as him, especially not my bedroom. A moment later, Liam walked out, looking both angry and exasperated. After a long pause, as if he suddenly remembered, he asked casually: “By the way, you took that pill yesterday, right? “Don’t cause a disaster. I wouldn’t be able to face your parents.” He walked over to the dining table, picked up a cup of iced coffee, and held it out to me. “Listen to me. Eat something before you stay mad. You know your stomach is bad.” I didn’t speak, and I didn’t take it. Liam held his hand in the air for a long time until he finally lost his patience. “What is this really about? “Maya, throwing a fit is fine, but there needs to be a reason and a limit, right?” I replied coldly: “I’m just a practice dummy. I don’t deserve a limit.” Liam flared up. He slammed the iced coffee down on the glass coffee table. He hit it so hard the plastic cup cracked, and the coffee instantly soaked into my expensive wool rug. “What is that supposed to mean? “Who do you think you are, Maya? “We slept together once—consensually—and suddenly you think you own me? Do you have any idea how suffocating that is?” His tone was more vicious than it had ever been. Instantly, my tears fell like rain. There was no build-up. The humiliation and grievances from yesterday flooded my chest all over again. Liam didn’t seem to expect me to cry so hard. He suddenly looked entirely out of his depth. He apologized, frustrated. “I’m sorry. I drank too much last night, I was just speaking without thinking.” He crouched down next to me and reached out to wipe my tears, but I dodged his hand again. He froze, his hand suspended in mid-air. Just as he was about to try coaxing me again, his phone chimed. He glanced at it, his expression shifting drastically, and immediately stood up to leave. “I have an emergency. Cool off for a bit. “You’re going to college soon. You can’t keep acting like a child. Nobody is going to tolerate that.” 7 Less than half an hour after he left, Harper sent me a screenshot. It was Chloe’s Snapchat story. [SunnyDays: Said I was hungry, and a love-filled breakfast magically appeared. Feels like my crush and I are totally mutually obsessed~] The picture showed the exact same artisan breakfast sandwiches Liam had brought to my dining table. I didn’t reply. I silently wiped my tears, crouched down, and carefully tried to clean the coffee Liam had spilled. I scrubbed for a long time, only to realize the stain had seeped deep into the base of the wool. It wasn’t coming out. In a fit of anger, I rolled up the entire rug and threw it in the trash. Whatever. Liam and his parents had hauled this rug all the way back from a trip to Nepal, spending a whole afternoon picking it out just to gift it to me. While I was at it, I gathered everything Liam had ever left at my house, plus every single gift he had ever given me. I even went through and threw out every printed photo of us together. It took me all day, but I packed it all up in garbage bags and dumped it. He probably didn’t want this garbage anyway. After Liam left that day, I didn’t hear a peep from him for days. Things were probably going swimmingly with the IT girl. Or maybe he was just waiting for me to cave. Every time we had a cold war in the past, I was always the one to cave first. Without fail. But this time, I didn’t reach out. And there was no need to ever reach out again. I blocked his number and social media, changed the passcode to my front door, and deleted all my online profiles. Once I finished, I called my parents, who were out of town on business. I told them I wanted to go to London to visit my aunt for the summer. My plan was to stay there until the summer ended, fly back, and immediately head down to Miami with Harper for orientation. Besides Harper, no one else knew I had switched my college commitment to Florida. This itinerary would perfectly avoid any chance of running into Liam. My mom teased me on the phone. “Ooh, are you and Liam going on a romantic getaway?” I made an excuse to deny it. I didn’t want to explain. I just told her I wanted to spend time with my aunt and grandma. I begged my dad to book the earliest flight possible, planning to pack my bags and fly out that very night. On my way out, unluckily, I ran into Liam’s mom right outside our gates. She grabbed me enthusiastically. “Maya, why are you out here alone? Didn’t Liam come to pick you up? “He said he was taking you snowboarding in Switzerland. Have a great time! I totally support it.” I was a little confused. During the stressful AP exam season, I had mentioned to Liam that I wanted to go snowboarding in the Alps. But given how things were now, it obviously made zero sense for us to travel together. I didn’t have time to process it, though. I gave her a polite, hurried response and left. What I didn’t expect was to run into Liam at the airport.
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