In the seventh year of our long-distance relationship, I resigned from my post in the dock district and returned to Chicago, moving back into the estate Damian and I had agreed would be our marital home. I entered the password three times. All three times, it was wrong. On the fourth try, the door opened from the inside. The person who opened it was my best friend, Bianca. She was wearing Damian’s shirt, the hem barely covering the tops of her thighs. She smiled at me naturally. “Valentina, you’re back?” “I had a fight with the person I was living with, so I’ve been staying at your fiance’s estate lately.” Hearing her voice, Damian came out of the bathroom. His upper body was bare, and the only thing covering him was a pink towel wrapped loosely around his waist. He said, “Don’t block the doorway.” “The master bedroom is already Bianca’s. You can sleep in the guest room tonight.” His face was full of impatience, but that familiar inner voice sounded again. [We’ve been separated between two cities for so long. Have you fallen for someone else?] [Valentina, hurry up and say this is our home. Tell her she isn’t allowed to stay.] [Make a scene. Let me know you still care about me.] For seven years, he had always been like this. If I replied to a message late, he would ask Bianca to meet him at the dockside bar. If I spent one less night with him, he would let Bianca stay over. In the past, I would question him. I would cry. I would make a scene exactly the way his inner voice wanted me to. But this time, I looked at the pink towel around his waist. Then at the women’s underwear hanging on the balcony. Suddenly, I didn’t want to ask anything anymore. I took a step back, pulled up the handle of my suitcase, and left. I would not live in a three-person estate. … Bianca reached out and grabbed my suitcase. “Valentina, it’s only that you couldn’t open the door. Are you really angry?” “Don’t overthink it. I couldn’t remember the old password, so Damian changed it to my birthday.” Damian gave a soft scoff. “She’s just being dramatic. It’s just a string of numbers. What’s the big deal about changing it?” His expression was disdainful, but his inner voice grew more frantic by the second. [Say something. Say that was the day we got engaged. Say I wasn’t allowed to change it.] [Valentina, why aren’t you reacting at all?] I said nothing. Bianca leaned against the doorframe and yawned. “Aren’t you coming in? We’re going to sleep.” I took out my key and placed it beside the door. “No. You two sleep.” Damian froze for a moment. “If you’re not coming in, then get lost!” He slammed the door shut. I stumbled back a step. My bag fell to the ground, and a stack of old train tickets slid out. The one on top was dated seven years ago. That was the day I had been assigned to the dock district, and Damian had seen me off at the station. The boarding reminder sounded three times before he finally let go of my hand. “Valentina, go. Don’t look back.” He said it lightly. But in that instant, I heard his inner voice for the first time. [Valentina, I can’t bear to let you go.] [But I can’t stop you.] [I love you. You have to wait for me.] My hand froze over my ticket, and tears rushed to my eyes. After we were separated between two cities, I took that five-hour night train again and again. Even when I had to settle cargo-line accounts until dawn, I would still rush back to see him. Until that one time, after staying awake for two nights in a row, I collapsed at the dock office and missed the train to see him. When I woke up in a private clinic, the first thing I did was call him. On the seventh call, he finally picked up. “I’m helping Bianca deal with something at the bar.” His tone was colder than I had ever heard it. “Why are you crying? If you’re too busy, am I not even allowed to go to her?” “Isn’t she your best friend? With her watching me for you, what are you worried about?” That night, Bianca posted three updates. An Italian restaurant, a bar, and the street at three in the morning. Meanwhile, I lay alone in a private clinic, hooked up to fluids all night. My tears fell onto the train ticket. I reached out to wipe them away, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get it clean. The door opened again. “If you can’t bear to leave, get in here.” When Damian saw my tears, his expression softened a little. “How many days are you back for this time?” I didn’t tell him I had already resigned from my post in the dock district. There was no need. I had given up everything in the dock district just to end this seven-year relationship stretched across two cities. But he and Bianca had already started living together. Bianca came out of the bathroom with a towel. Naturally, she began drying his hair for him. Damian did not dodge. He even lowered his head. His inner voice said he loved me. But he had long since grown used to Bianca’s company. There was no place for me in this home anymore. The stack of train tickets was still scattered on the floor. I did not pick them up. I walked straight toward the elevator. Damian gave a cold laugh. “Valentina Rossi, if you walk out of here today, our engagement is over.” I pressed the elevator button without looking back. His inner voice erupted in panic. [Valentina, don’t go. I only wanted to see you jealous.] [If you turn back, I’ll coax you.] The elevator doors opened, and I stepped inside. [Please, don’t go.] I heard it. But this time, I did not stop. The elevator doors slowly closed, blocking out his face and cutting off his inner voice. Just then, my phone rang. “Valentina Rossi, the seat at the Northern Commission is still being held for you. Have you thought it through?” I wiped away my tears and cleared my throat. “Vincent Romano, I’ll report in tomorrow.”
I spent the night at an inn. Early the next morning, I was awakened by a call from the estate steward. “Miss Rossi, the suitcases you sent are piled up at the entrance of the estate. People in the neighborhood have already complained. Please deal with them as soon as possible.” When I came back this time, I had not planned to leave again. I had packed up seven years’ worth of belongings and sent them here in advance. Now my things had arrived. But just like me, they no longer had a home. I rushed to the estate through the rain. There was nothing downstairs. Bianca, wearing slippers, was about to head upstairs. “Valentina, why are you only here now?” “Those boxes were blocking the entrance. They were such a nuisance.” She pointed toward the trash area. “Damian said the two of you had already ended your engagement. Your things were all garbage, so I threw them away for you.” My ears rang. I turned and ran toward the trash area. The cardboard boxes were soaked soft. My belongings were scattered all over the ground, mixed into dirty rainwater. I knelt down and finally found my little dog plush. It had swollen from the rain, and one of its eyes had fallen off. It was the first gift Damian had ever given me. During those seven years, whenever he couldn’t come to me, it was the thing that stayed with me. Last year, when I fractured a bone in a car accident, he had originally booked a flight to see me. But Bianca sprained her ankle. On the phone, he had only said hurriedly, “I’ll come see you after she’s better.” I was in so much pain I couldn’t sleep. I could only hold that little dog until dawn. I picked it up and held it to my chest. Then I saw the broken high heel beside it. I had bought those shoes half a year ago. That day, my plan had been deliberately deleted by someone, and I had hidden in the garden downstairs from the dock office, crying until I could barely breathe. Damian’s phone would not connect. It was not until dawn that he finally called me back. “What happened on your side this time?” “Bianca had a fight with the person she was living with. I just brought her back to the estate.” The next day, I went to a shop in the neighborhood and bought those heels. I told myself, Valentina Rossi, stand steady. If no one comes to take you back to the estate, then walk back yourself. For seven years, I traveled between two cities and lived alone. These things had kept me going until today. Now, all of them had been thrown into the trash. “Bianca, what right did you have to throw away my things?” Damian’s voice came from behind me. “Valentina, why are you yelling at her?” He stood in front of Bianca, holding an umbrella over her. “It’s just a few boxes of junk. So what if she threw them away?” Bianca looked at me and burst into tears. “I thought you didn’t want them anymore.” Seeing the mess all over the ground, Damian’s expression darkened further. But his inner voice slammed into me. [Why are there so many boxes?] [Wasn’t Valentina only coming back for a few days?] [That little dog… she still kept it?] His gaze fell on the plush dog in my arms. But the words he spoke were still full of disgust. “Our engagement is over, and you’re still sending your things to my home. If your things aren’t garbage, what are they?” I held the little dog tightly and looked up at him. “Damian, my things are not garbage.” “You are.” Rain blurred my vision. More and more people gathered to watch. A few people from the neighborhood whispered among themselves. “Aren’t those the young couple upstairs?” “They’ve been living together for half a year, right? I often see them grocery shopping together.” Someone looked at me, their voice full of contempt. “Then who is she? An ex-girlfriend here to make trouble?” “Don’t tell me she’s trying to ruin their marriage. Getting kicked out and then digging through trash? How ugly.” My already numb heart twisted in pain again. So they had been living together for half a year. For those six months, they had bought groceries together, returned to the estate together, shared umbrellas together, and appeared to everyone in the neighborhood like a loving couple. And I, who had been openly and honestly in love with him for seven years, had become the mistress making a scene.
Damian’s expression looked awful, but he did not explain. Bianca gently tugged at his sleeve. “Damian, let’s go upstairs.” He was silent for a few seconds. Then he held the umbrella for her and led her through the building entrance. I stood in the rain, watching them walk farther and farther away. His inner voice grew quieter and quieter. [Valentina isn’t a mistress.] [She’s the person I love most.] I stopped listening. The rain grew heavier. I crouched beside the trash cans again. I opened the soaked cardboard boxes, searching for the old pocket watch my grandmother had left me. But after searching every box, I still could not find it. I had been drenched in the rain for too long. My vision suddenly went black. When I woke up again, I was lying in a somewhat unfamiliar guest room. Bianca sat at the bedside, her eyes red from crying. “Valentina, you fainted just now.” “I asked Damian to carry you up.” She tucked the blanket around me. “Don’t take what the people in the neighborhood said to heart. I already explained it to them.” “I told them you weren’t here to interfere with our marriage.” “We’re friends. This time, you wanted to move in and live with me.” “It’s just that the estate belongs to Damian, and he is my fiance now. That’s why there was a misunderstanding.” She spoke with such apparent sincerity, as if she truly were helping me out of an awkward situation. But I remembered our university days. My poverty grant had been stolen by someone else, and Bianca had gone with me to confront the counselor. “I hate bitches who steal other people’s things and then pretend they’re innocent!” Back then, she had been even angrier than I was. But now, when she called Damian her fiance, she wore that same innocent expression. In the past, Bianca had looked down on Damian. Whenever she mentioned him, she would curse him by his full name. But at some point, she began calling him Damian. She began wearing his coat. She began eating with him and traveling with him alone. It wasn’t that I hadn’t noticed she was crossing boundaries. But she was my best friend. And Damian always said I was overthinking. His inner voice had sounded again and again. [Valentina, I only love you.] So again and again, I forced myself to suppress the discomfort in my heart. But now, I no longer wanted to pretend I couldn’t see it. “Bianca, stop acting.” I pushed myself up by the edge of the bed. “Where is my pass?” I had to report to the Northern Commission headquarters today. But the copies of the documents I needed had all been ruined by the rain. I had once treated this place as my home, so I had kept the original important documents here. Bianca froze for a moment. “I don’t know. Why don’t you look for it?” I ignored her, threw back the blanket, and got out of bed. The master bedroom was now her room. Yet several of Damian’s shirts hung in the closet. My clothes had been shoved into the farthest corner, wrinkled beyond recognition. Bianca followed behind me and explained in a small voice. “Sometimes when he drinks too much, he sleeps in my room.” I did not want to know what they had done here. I only wanted to find my pass. But when I opened the bedside drawer, there was no document folder inside. Only three boxes of contraceptives. One box fewer than the last time I had returned to the estate. My hand froze. I forced myself to look away. On the small table beside the bed, there was still an uncleaned food container. Bianca seemed to remember only then and let out a small gasp. “Valentina, is this the pass you’re looking for?” She moved aside the plastic food container. Under it was my graduation pass, its cover already covered in oil. Bianca bit her lip. “I’m sorry. I was eating in the room last night and saw that it was stiff, so I used it to pad the food box.” I snatched it up and opened the cover. The pages were soaked through with red oil. Even the embossed seal gave off a sharp, unpleasant smell. “Valentina, don’t be ungrateful!” Damian strode in and stood in front of Bianca.
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