The day I confessed my feelings to Ethan Shaw. I saw a few more shades of cruelty in his eyes. He made it public and humiliated me. He pinched my face and said to me, “You and that mother of yours really are the same kind of disgusting.” When I finally made up my mind to stop liking him, he begged me like a madman to like him again. “Say it. Why did you call me here?” Ethan Shaw blew out a smoke ring and glanced at me impatiently. I kept my head down and hesitated for a while before looking up at him and saying, “Ethan, I… I like you.” “I don’t have time to listen to your jokes.” Ethan narrowed his eyes, as if he realized I was not joking. He threw the cigarette butt at me, and the burning tip grazed my wrist. The burned spot turned red, and tears circled uncontrollably in my eyes. Ethan sneered and grabbed my wrist. “You and that mother of yours really are the same kind of disgusting.” He shook off my hand as if he found me repulsive. How could this be… Seeing that, I immediately grabbed the corner of his shirt. “Ethan, I really… I really like you…” Ethan curled his lips. “Is that so? You like me?” I was taken by Ethan to the karaoke lounge he often went to. The Shaw family had money and power, and Ethan could be considered the prince of New York’s elite circle. He held the microphone and looked at me with contempt and disgust in his eyes. “That one is the son my dad had with some mistress outside, and he says he likes me.” As soon as he said that, the whole room burst into laughter. I stood there awkwardly, and there were beautiful women all around Ethan as he put his arm around one of them and looked at me. “Even someone selling themselves on the street would be easier on the eyes than you.” My mom and Mr. Shaw had been childhood sweethearts, and originally, my mom and Mr. Shaw were the ones who should have ended up together. Later, because the Shaw family opposed it, my mom married my dad. But my dad beat her to death in a domestic violence incident, and Mr. Shaw took me in. Mrs. Shaw knew Mr. Shaw still could not forget my mom, so she spread rumors everywhere that I was Mr. Shaw’s illegitimate son and that my mom was a mistress. Ethan hated me. I knew that. But the moment I first saw him, I fell for him. He lifted my chin. “Don’t think that just because you entered the Shaw family, you can treat yourself like the owner.” I did not speak, and my useless tears just kept falling. It was as if a slap had landed on my face, leaving it instantly red. “Stop acting like your home-wrecking mother, thinking you can win people’s sympathy by crying. It’s disgusting.” He kicked me, and my back slammed into the wall, sending a sharp wave of pain through me. It hurt so much that I cried out. He lit a cigarette and took a few drags, then seemed to find it tasteless and tossed the rest of it onto me. The burning half-cigarette brushed across my calf, and I watched his retreating figure before slowly crouching down. A small blister had risen on my calf. I wiped away my tears and began to hate where I came from. Why couldn’t my mom just live her own life, and why did she have to do something like that? If none of that had happened, maybe Ethan and I would not have ended up like this.
Ethan had always treated me sometimes well and sometimes badly. The story about my mom being a mistress spread through all of South University. Even the fact that I liked Ethan became after-dinner gossip for people. They said I was a toad lusting after swan meat. Gradually, people started looking for trouble with me. They locked me in a bathroom stall and poured water inside again and again. I crouched there until I was already numb. The moment the door was kicked open, I looked up and saw Ethan holding a baseball bat, his face still full of disgust toward me. “Useless trash! You can even endure being bullied. You’re embarrassing the Shaw family.” Ethan grabbed one of them by the collar. “Apologize!” My heart warmed a little, and I could not tell how Ethan truly felt about me. I followed him home, drenched from head to toe. He unhappily took off his jacket and draped it over me. “Ethan, I’ll wash the jacket and bring it back to you.” I touched that jacket, a little attached to the scent on it. He lit a cigarette. “I don’t want the jacket anymore. It disgusts me.” I watched him leave, and a faint ache rose in my chest. Just moments earlier, he had rushed in with a baseball bat to save me. But why… was it just because of my background? Although Ethan was the prince of New York’s elite circle, he also drew plenty of hatred. Every day, there was no end to the people looking for trouble with him. He knocked irritably on my bedroom door. I opened the door half-asleep and saw him standing there with a first-aid kit. He threw the first-aid kit to me and walked straight inside. I was used to this. I skillfully bandaged the wound on his arm. “Ethan, stop fighting in the future. You’re covered in injuries.” I looked at the shocking wounds on his body and felt my heart ache. He snorted coldly, grabbed the back of my collar, and threw me into the corner. “What right do you have to control me? As my brother? Or as a gay guy who likes me?” Ethan pressed one knee against my chest, and I found it harder and harder to breathe. He lifted my chin. “You really are like your mom. Just looking at that face of yours makes me sick.” Tears always betrayed me at moments like this. I asked him through my tears, “Ethan, why do you hate me so much? Is it… only if I die that you won’t hate me so much?” Ethan stood up and wiped his hand in disgust after letting me go. “Yeah. It would be best if you died, just like your mom.” I hated where I came from, and I hated my mom. The moment I was born into this world, I was already rotten.
I lived every day in a daze. Mr. Shaw and Mrs. Shaw fought every day. In the end, Mrs. Shaw always dragged me into the fight. “Don’t think I don’t know. He’s the illegitimate son you had with that bitch!” Mrs. Shaw pointed at my room, almost insane. Mr. Shaw finally could not take it anymore. “What are you making trouble about now! He’s just a child, and nothing happened between me and his mother.” I curled up in the corner of my room. The door was kicked open hard. Ethan strode in, grabbed me, and threw me to the floor. He yanked my hair and pressed my face against the ground. “Are you satisfied now? Watching them fight must make you so happy, right?” I explained through tears, “No, Ethan, I didn’t…” He reached out and patted my cheek. “It would be so much better if you died.” “Then there wouldn’t be so much trouble. Why didn’t you die along with that mistress mother of yours!” “What is the point of you being alive? To destroy other people’s families? Then why don’t you just go die!” He left. Mr. Shaw and Mrs. Shaw’s fighting continued without stopping. I lay on the floor and cried until I could barely breathe. I hated myself, pinched my own flesh, and shed silent tears. Maybe Ethan was right. Why didn’t I just die? 3 Today was the anniversary of my mom’s death. I brought the things I had saved up for a long time and planned to visit her grave. I quietly went out. Ethan was about to go out too. He had almost gotten into the car. After seeing me, he stepped back and shut the car door. “You’re not allowed to go. If you go, don’t come back to the Shaw house. I find it unlucky.” I did not speak and simply kept walking on my own. Ethan, with a furious face, grabbed my hand. “I said you’re not allowed to go!” I lost my balance and fell to the ground, and my elbow hit a stone, splitting open a cut. It was as if I could not feel pain, and I felt nothing. He dragged me up and dragged me all the way into a room. This was his room, and he never let me enter it. But this time was the exception. He held the first-aid kit and treated my wound roughly. My tears fell again without my control. He thought I was crying from the pain, so his movements slowed a little. “Endure it.” I wiped my tears away. Why was he always hot and cold toward me? “Ethan Shaw, do you really hate me that much?” I choked, and my tears gradually blurred my vision. He did not answer and only quietly treated my wound. I looked at my bandaged arm, then stood up and wanted to take my things and leave. But Ethan was very strange today, and he held back his temper. “Go sit down.” I stubbornly grabbed my things and was about to leave, but he snatched them away from me. “I told you, you’re not allowed to go. I find it unlucky!” He pinned me against the wall, and the veins bulged on the hand gripping my shoulder. I held back my tears. “Ethan Shaw, don’t you hate me? Then why do you care whether I go or not? At worst, I just won’t come back here.” A slap landed on my face, leaving it instantly red. “Don’t be cheap! Today is my mom’s birthday. Don’t make her and my dad upset again!” He kicked me into the corner, and I felt my stomach churn violently. A metallic taste filled my mouth, and I forced that mouthful of blood back down. My heart seemed to hurt more than my body. Ethan stood in front of me, and I crawled up from the floor and knelt before him. “Ethan, I’m begging you. Let me go. I’m begging you. I’ll never like you again after this. Just let me go…” I cried until I could barely breathe, but he still looked at me coldly. I did not know how long we stayed frozen there before he finally left. “Get out, and don’t ever step through the Shaw family’s door again.” I picked up the things scattered across the floor one by one. I went to my mom’s grave and set everything out piece by piece. My tears could no longer fall. I said a lot to my mom, and I asked her why this had to be my fate. I stood on the rooftop, and the railing felt a little cold under my hands. I looked down at the busy traffic below, and tears blurred my vision. I wiped my tears and climbed over the railing. I looked downstairs, where fire trucks surrounded the area and police sirens rang through the air. It seemed like there was nothing in this world worth making me stay. Ethan Shaw, after this, you won’t hate me anymore. I closed my eyes and did not look back.
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