Rewriting The Universe Without You

1 In my sixty-eighth year, I finally found her name in my husband’s final confession. Brooks Montgomery had left a letter behind, tucked into his will like a hidden razor blade. He didn’t want to be buried in the Montgomery family plot next to me. He wanted his children to take his ashes back to his hometown of Savannah and bury him beside a woman named Pearl Bennett. The final lines of the letter read: “In this life, I kept my word. I looked after Sienna until the very end. In the next life, I want to be selfish just once. I want to find Pearl first.” Fifty years. We had been married for five decades, and in his eyes, it had been nothing more than a sentence served. A long-term contract he was proud to have fulfilled. The mahogany box in his study, the one he had forbidden me from ever touching, was finally open. Inside was a fountain pen Pearl had given him when they were eighteen, a faded graduation photo, and forty-seven unsent love letters. The last one was dated the night before our wedding. “Pearl,” it said, “just say the word, and I won’t marry her.” I sat in the cemetery all night, clutching that box until my knuckles turned white. When I finally closed my eyes, the cold of the marble headstone seemed to seep into my bones, dragging me down into a deep, dark sleep. When I opened them again, I was sitting on a folding chair in the backstage of a high school auditorium. The air was thick with the scent of hairspray and old wood. Pearl Bennett was sitting at the vanity mirror, wearing the white silk dress that was supposed to be mine for the graduation solo. Brooks was kneeling in front of her, focused and tender, tying the ribbons of her ballet flats. I was standing over them, my arms laden with three backpacks, water bottles, and their discarded jackets. It was a tableau of my entire future. For the next fifty years, they would be the ones who loved. I would be the one who cleaned up the mess. “Sienna, what are you staring at?” Brooks stood up, handing me Pearl’s discarded canvas sneakers. “Keep these safe for her. We’re heading up to the ridge tonight for the meteor shower, and she’ll need them. Don’t lose them.” Tonight was the night of the Perseids. To get the keys to the school’s only high-powered telescope, I had spent a week filing messy archives for the science department. Brooks had promised me that when the first meteor streaked across the sky, I would be the one at the eyepiece. In my past life, that spot had gone to Pearl. I had spent the night carrying her gear and eventually carrying her down the mountain when she “fainted.” I had slipped on the trail and injured my lower back—a dull ache that had stayed with me for half a century. I didn’t take the shoes. “They’re her things,” I said, my voice sounding strange to my own ears. “Why is it my job to keep them?” Brooks froze. The room seemed to go quiet. Pearl’s eyes immediately welled up with tears. She scrambled to grab the shoes, hugging them to her chest. “I’m so sorry, Sienna. Brooks only asked because my heels were blistering. If it makes you unhappy, I’ll put them back on.” She said it, but she didn’t move an inch toward her feet. Brooks’s brow furrowed. “Sienna, Pearl isn’t well. Why are you being so difficult over a pair of shoes?” She isn’t well. The mantra of my life. Pearl had died at twenty-seven in the original timeline. After her funeral, Brooks had been a ghost for six months. I had thought he was grieving a best friend. I had put my own career on hold to stay by his side, to organize Pearl’s estate, to care for her aging mother. I was sixty-eight when I realized that wasn’t friendship. It was the death of his soul. I shoved the backpacks and jackets back into Brooks’s arms. “If you’re so worried about her, carry them yourself.” He caught them instinctively, his face a mask of bewilderment. For eighteen years, I had been the girl who never said no. He assumed I was just having a “bad day.” At ten o’clock that night, the Astronomy Club reached the summit. As the other students hauled the heavy tripods, Pearl grabbed my sleeve. “Sienna… could I go first?” she whispered. “The doctor says my heart condition is getting worse. I’m scared I won’t have another chance to see something like this.” The group fell silent. Everyone looked at me, waiting for the familiar sacrifice. Brooks was already guiding her toward the telescope. “Sienna is doing the data logging,” Brooks said, not even looking at me. “She can see the stars from anywhere. I’ll buy you your own telescope when we get to college, Sienna. A better one.” In my past life, he had. He’d bought me a telescope with a brass plate that read: To the brightest star in my sky. I had lived forty years believing I was that star. It wasn’t until Pearl died and he locked that telescope away in a room filled with her things that I realized I had spent my life misinterpreting his silence. “Don’t bother,” I said. I picked up my camera and walked to the far end of the ridge, away from the group. When the first meteor cut through the velvet dark, Pearl gasped and grabbed Brooks’s hand. He didn’t pull away. I pressed the shutter, capturing the streak of light in my own frame. A few minutes later, a cry went up behind me. Pearl was on the ground, clutching her chest, her breathing shallow and frantic. Brooks was hovering over her, but his first instinct was to look at me. “Sienna! Pearl can’t walk back down. You need to carry her. I’ll take the gear.” In my past life, I had carried her for three hours, stumbling through the dark, ruining my body for a woman who was faking a panic attack. This time, I pulled out my phone and dialed 911. “The ambulance will be at the trailhead in thirty minutes,” I said. “If you’re that worried about her, you carry her down.” Brooks’s face darkened. “What is wrong with you? You aren’t acting like yourself.” “No,” I said, looking him in the eye. “I’m finally acting like someone who matters.” I turned back to the stars. Brooks didn’t say another word. He hoisted Pearl onto his back and began the slow trek down the mountain. As they faded into the shadows, I heard Pearl’s voice drift back on the wind, small and manipulative. “Brooks… if Sienna wasn’t here, would you love me?” Brooks paused. There was a long, heavy silence. “Don’t let her hear you say that,” he whispered. A second meteor fell right into my lens. I pressed the shutter, and in my heart, I signed the divorce papers fifty years early. The next morning, Brooks placed a hot coffee on my desk. “Why didn’t you wait for us last night?” “The science teacher gave me a ride,” I said, not looking up from my notebook. He sat down beside me, his voice softening. “Pearl just had an irregular heartbeat. The doctor said she’ll be fine. She gets in her head when she’s scared, Sienna. If she said something weird last night, don’t take it to heart.” I looked at him. “What did she say?” Brooks stiffened. “Nothing. Just… nothing.” He reached into his textbook and pulled out a hand-drawn star map. In the bottom corner, there was a tiny sketch of a Lily of the Valley. Pearl’s favorite flower. He had given me an identical map for our fortieth anniversary. My eyesight had been failing then, and he had held my hand, pointing out the constellations. Our children had envied our “romance.” I had lived in a dream he had painted for someone else. “Everett University is taking forty students for the Astrophysics program this year,” Brooks said, sliding the map toward me. “Our grades are high enough. Pearl can apply for the Literature program next door. The three of us can stay together.” I pushed the map back. “I’m not applying to Everett.” His brow snapped together. “Stop playing around. We’ve had this planned since freshman year.” He didn’t ask where I did want to go. In his mind, my life was an extension of his. That afternoon, the club advisor called us in to review the applications for the National Youth Science Fair. I had done the trajectory calculations, the raw data sets, and the model design. Pearl was only supposed to do the presentation. The advisor looked troubled. “Pearl has no competition history. If she’s only listed as a presenter, she won’t qualify for the school’s recommendation.” Pearl looked down, a tear splashing onto the form. “It’s fine. I’ve always been useless. You guys go to Everett without me.” Brooks was silent for a moment. Then, he reached out and took the pen. “Change the Lead Designer to Pearl,” he told the advisor. The advisor blinked. “But Sienna did all the core work.” “Sienna’s grades are perfect,” Brooks said, his tone terrifyingly logical. “She doesn’t need this one accolade. Pearl does.” He turned to me, as if expecting a thank you. “It’s just a name on a paper, Sienna. Once we’re in college, I’ll help you build something even better.” “This award is the prerequisite for the Northstate University early honors program,” I said, my voice steady. “If you move my name, I lose my chance at the Ivy League.” Brooks’s hand hesitated. This was the last bridge. I was giving him the chance not to burn it. Pearl let out a small, fragile cough. Brooks immediately signed her name in the Lead Designer slot. Every stroke was deliberate. “You’ll have plenty of chances, Sienna. Pearl won’t. We’re going to be married one day—everything I have will be yours anyway. Think of this as me making it up to her.” Making it up to her. That was our marriage. He gave me the title of “Wife” as if it were a consolation prize for the love he was giving to someone else. I gathered my lab notes. “Fine.” Brooks exhaled, relieved. He thought I had folded again. After school, Pearl caught me at the stairs. “Sienna, I really didn’t know Brooks would do that. Maybe I should go back and tell them to put your name back on it.” I held out my hand. “Give me the form. I’ll go with you.” The fake smile on her face twitched. “Well… it’s already been submitted. If we change it now, Brooks will get in trouble for lying. We’re graduating in two weeks. Why ruin the mood over a name? We’re going to be together forever, right?” In my past life, she had said those exact words to me on her deathbed. She had begged me to take care of Brooks, saying I was the only one she trusted. I thought she was entrusting me with her best friend. I realize now she was just parking her car in my garage because she couldn’t drive it anymore. “That’s your plan,” I said, pulling my sleeve out of her grip. “Don’t include me in it.” The lab door was ajar. As I passed, I heard Brooks talking to the advisor. “Just give the credit to Pearl for now. Sienna will be mad for a few days, but she’ll get over it. She loves me too much to actually leave.” I didn’t open the door. Instead, I walked to the payphone at the end of the hall and dialed Northstate University’s admissions office. “Hello. My name is Sienna Rivers. I’d like to submit a solo project for the honors selection. Yes, under my own name.” When the preliminary finalists were posted, Pearl Bennett was at the top of the list. Brooks stood by the bulletin board, waiting for me, his “explanation” ready. “We’re a team, Sienna. It doesn’t matter whose name is first.” I pointed at the top. “If it doesn’t matter, why couldn’t it be mine?” He stammered. Pearl immediately grabbed a pen, her eyes red. “It’s all my fault. I’ll withdraw right now.” Before the pen touched the paper, she “collapsed” into Brooks’s arms. “Pearl! Stay with me!” Brooks shouted. He looked at me with pure accusation. “Are you happy now, Sienna? Is a trophy worth her life?” The students around us began to whisper. To them, I was the villain—the bitter overachiever bullying a sick girl. I didn’t argue. I reached up, unpinned my Astronomy Club badge, and handed it to the advisor. “I’m resigning from the team.” Brooks’s face went white. “Sienna, don’t be dramatic.” “My original negatives, my calculations, and the equipment logs are all in my private locker,” I said to the advisor. “I am submitting a solo project.” Brooks stepped in front of me. “The deadline is in three days. You can’t build a new model by yourself in seventy-two hours.” “Watch me.” “You used to love her, Sienna! Why are you being so cruel?” “Because I finally realized that giving my life away to people who don’t value it isn’t ‘kindness.’ It’s stupidity.” I spent the next two days in the old basement workshop. When I ran out of wood, I stripped old pallets. When the motor burned out, I stayed until midnight fixing it. On the third day, my simulated meteor shower tracked perfectly across the screen. The light illuminated the room, and for the first time, I saw what a life without Brooks Montgomery looked like. It wasn’t empty. It was bright. Northstate called that morning. “Miss Rivers, your solo project has been fast-tracked. If you win the regional gold, you’re invited to the final selection at our campus the morning after your graduation.” I booked a one-way train ticket for 4:50 PM on graduation day. When I went to the school to pick up my diploma, the backstage was chaos. Pearl was in her white dress, but the projector was broken and she couldn’t find her music. The teacher saw me and sighed with relief. “Sienna, thank god. Fix this, would you?” I handed her a folder. “The wiring diagrams and the backup tapes are in there. I don’t work here anymore.” Pearl walked over, the silver “Stellar Rail” brooch—a Montgomery family heirloom—pinned to her chest. Brooks had given it to her. “Sienna, everyone is so stressed. Are you still holding a grudge?” She reached for my hand. I stepped back. “Manage your own show, Pearl.” Brooks was on the floor, trying to fix the projector. He looked up. “It’s graduation day, Sienna. Can’t we just have one day of peace?” “I’m at peace,” I said. “Are you?” The ceremony began. But when it came time to announce the Science Fair winners, the principal didn’t call Pearl’s name. “Due to a discrepancy in the core data, the group project led by Pearl Bennett has been disqualified,” the principal announced. The room gasped. “However,” he continued, “Sienna Rivers, competing independently, has been awarded the Regional Gold. She has been invited to Northstate University on a full scholarship.” The screen lit up with my photos. The meteors cutting through the dark. And at the bottom, a single name: Sienna Rivers. Pearl stood on stage, her face devoid of color. When I went up to take my diploma, she blocked my way. “You stole the data, Sienna. We did that together. How could you be so heartless?” Brooks stepped out from behind the curtain, standing firmly by Pearl’s side. “Sienna, you won. Pearl lost everything. Is this enough? Can we stop now?” I opened my project log and handed it to Pearl. “If we did it together, tell me: which data set did you calculate? Which parameters did you adjust? What part of this is yours?” Pearl’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. “She was the presenter!” Brooks snapped. “She didn’t need to know the math. I made the name change, not her. She’s innocent.” Pearl clung to his sleeve, sobbing. “I just wanted to be with you guys. Sienna used to love me… why does she hate me now?” Brooks looked at me with disgust. “You have your scholarship. You have your fame. Pearl has nothing. How much more do you want to take from her?” I laughed. “When you erased my name, did you ask how much you were taking from me?” “That was my decision!” Brooks yelled. “And I told you I’d make it up to you. Just… stop.” I looked at the boy I had spent fifty years trying to please. In my past life, I had always waited. I had waited for him to notice me, waited for him to choose me, waited for him to love me. But my life wasn’t a waiting room for his heart. Pearl reached for the brooch on her chest. “Here, Sienna. Take it back. Don’t blame Brooks anymore. It’s all my fault.” Brooks pressed her hand down. “No. Sienna gave it to you. If she wants to be petty, let her.” He still thought I was fighting for him. I reached into my bag and pulled out the “Legacy Engagement” letter our parents had signed when we were kids. “Brooks Montgomery, listen carefully.” I tore the paper in half. “The project was mine, so I took it back. The brooch was a gift, and I don’t want it back—keep it. And as for you…” I dropped the shredded paper at his feet. “I don’t want you either.” Brooks’s expression finally broke. “Sienna, you’re making a scene.” “I’m making a departure,” I said. Pearl fainted for real this time, slipping into Brooks’s arms. “Brooks… I can’t breathe…” Brooks scooped her up. As he passed me, he paused. “I’m taking her to the infirmary. We’ll talk about your ‘tantrum’ later.” I didn’t answer. He still thought my life was on his schedule. But I didn’t wait. I took my diploma, walked out of the hall, and picked up my bags from the station. At 4:50 PM, the train to Northstate pulled into the station. I didn’t look back at the town of Everett. I stepped onto the train, and as the doors whistled shut, I finally felt the weight of fifty years fall away.

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