When I was seventeen, the boy I liked committed suicide. His blog was made public online. In millions of posts, his hidden sorrow and feelings for me became known to thousands. At the end, he wrote: “Only you can save me.” That night, I went back to the day we first met and hugged him. The usually aloof and proud boy fumbled: “Classmate, this isn’t appropriate, is it?” Zack died. I heard the news while squeezed in a crowded subway during rush hour. Next to me were two high school girls in uniforms, whispering to each other. I caught some fragments: Zack, sleeping pills, Chris remembered. These keywords connected together easily made me think of something unpleasant. There was a moment of ringing in my ears, and I turned my head to look at the two girls. Perhaps frightened by my blank stare, one girl hesitated: “Sister, do you like Zack too?” I was stunned by this question, nodded, and the girl immediately showed a sympathetic expression. “My condolences.” What a pity, only after you died did I have the chance to say I liked you in front of others. The topic of Zack’s suicide had already risen to number one. His good friend Chris made all the private posts on Zack’s blog public according to Zack’s last wishes. I scrolled through his blog posts one by one. He wrote about how painful it was in his creative process, how difficult it was to maintain his sharp edges in the entertainment industry. My heart seemed to feel the same pain. In these articles, he kept reminiscing about a person called ‘Lily’. What a coincidence, we have the same name. If I didn’t know that I had almost no contact with Zack during high school, I would have thought it was me. But when I saw the last post, my tears instantly dried on my face. “09/02/2014 Today, a classmate listened to my original song seriously. What a strong sense of achievement! I really want to hold a concert and sing just for her.” “I’m thinking, even if many people don’t understand me, what does it matter? As long as I’ve been treated seriously by one sincere gaze, I’m lucky.” “If there ever comes a day when I want to give up, only Lily can save me.” In an instant, the hundreds of articles with ‘Lily’ in them had an answer. ‘Lily’ was me. My heart started beating uncontrollably, but what followed was a deep sense of helplessness. If… if I had been a little braver back then, could I have saved him? The dead are gone, and the living still have to go to work tomorrow. I looked at the redness under my eyes in the mirror and sighed. Zack… I hope in your next life you can be an ordinary but happy child. That night, I dreamed of Zack. In the dream, the sky was orange-red like an oil painting. I stood on the playground, with unfamiliar classmates playing basketball in the distance. Everything was so familiar. Eight years ago… Just then, a guitar sound came from behind me, accompanied by a boy’s low singing. In an instant, I suddenly froze. This scene, I would never forget in my life. It was because I accidentally heard Zack’s original song that I started to have a crush on him. The voice from behind continued, and I turned around stiffly, staring at the boy in front of me. Zack was only seventeen at that time, his face still had baby fat, his hair fell on his forehead, and his eyes were pure. His temperament hadn’t yet developed the melancholy of his post-debut days. Sensing my burning gaze, he stopped. “Classmate…” He was about to say something when he suddenly stopped. My tears also instantly slid down my cheeks. Zack stood up, put everything else aside, and fumbled in his pants pocket to find a pack of tissues. “I don’t think I was singing a sad song, was I?” He handed them to me: “Or do you have something upsetting you?” From Zack’s personal diary, I knew that Zack had also fallen in love with me at first sight because of my appreciation for his music. I threw aside my former reserve and shyness, and suddenly hugged Zack’s waist without warning. “Zack… you’re still alive… that’s so good.” I said these words chokingly. Zack raised his hands the moment I hugged him. Behind us, many classmates started whistling teasingly. “Classmate, this isn’t appropriate, is it?” Zack’s ears turned red, and he stood stiffly, not daring to move. I let go, took out a jade pendant from my neck. This jade was given to me by my grandfather at a scenic spot when I was a child, saying it could bring safety. It had always been with me, and I indeed had been healthy and safe since childhood. Now I laid this jade in front of Zack. “It’s for you.” Since it could protect me, it could protect you too. After all, it was in my dream, I could do whatever I wanted. Zack’s ears turned red, a bit bewildered by my behavior. “This…” His clear eyes seemed to have a glimmer of water, his hand took it. “Thank you then…” He gripped my jade in his palm, tightening it. When he looked at me again, his gaze was a bit serious. “Classmate, have we met before?” I paused, shook my head, and tried hard to suppress the sourness in my heart to give him a smile. “Maybe, just seeing you, hearing your music, I felt a special sense of familiarity.” When I first met you, it was like reuniting with an old friend. My consciousness gradually recovered, and when my eyes opened, my face was cold. Indeed, dreaming of Zack still makes me sad. When I arrived at the company, the atmosphere was gloomy. As soon as I sat down, a colleague came over. “Have you seen Zack’s public blog?” My heart was suddenly pierced by a thorn, but I still nodded strongly. The colleague immediately opened up. “I didn’t expect Zack to have so many painful aspects inside.” “And, I didn’t expect such a handsome guy would have unrequited love.” “But that girl must have liked him too, right?” “Otherwise, how could she directly give Zack that jade pendant?” In an instant, my eyes suddenly widened, and even my breathing became heavy. “What did you just say?” As I said this, I opened Zack’s blog and turned to the last post. “A jade pendant?” The colleague’s words suddenly came out, and I also saw the content in Zack’s blog post that wasn’t there yesterday. “This girl suddenly cried when she saw me.” “She took off her jade pendant without saying a word, her neck instantly turned red.” “But when I asked for her name at the end, she ran away without saying a word.” But this… was what I did in my dream… “How is this possible?” I muttered to myself, and my colleague’s eyes showed a bit of confusion. “Didn’t you see the news? Zack was clutching this jade pendant when he died.” “But you have the same name as this girl, it’s really such a coincidence.” If I understand correctly. Last night’s dream really gave me a chance to save Zack. But why… did he still commit suicide? I was so uncomfortable at my workstation that I could hardly breathe, hating myself for not seizing the opportunity. Back home, after a simple wash, I fell into a dream again. This time, I must hold onto him. Today’s dream scene was on a dark path outside the school gate. It should have just missed the crowd after the evening self-study session, now there were very few people on the small path. I wonder which scene of me and Zack this is? Suddenly, I heard an angry shout from the alley beside. “Don’t touch my guitar.” In an instant, I had an impression. In the second year of high school, there was a nasty off-campus fight incident involving Zack. To say it was a fight, it was almost one-sided with him being beaten. The cause was that Zack accidentally discovered his classmate being extorted for protection money by boys from a vocational school. So he took his classmate away. Zack had quite a few brothers, so those people were wary of Zack and let him go at that time. Later, they found a few small-time thugs from society and took Zack to a small alley when school was over. I heard they smashed Zack’s guitar that he had used for a long time, and Zack was outnumbered. Afterwards, Zack bought a new one, but obviously, every time he played the guitar, his expression wasn’t as immersed. So, this was Zack. And at this moment, I was just a seventeen-year-old girl. I thought calmly, every time Mr. Harrison was on duty, he would stay in the office for a while after the evening self-study session. The school, now with only a few lonely lights, became my reassurance. I first hid to one side and called the police. Then I sent a message to Mr. Harrison: “Mr. Harrison, there are students from other schools extorting our school’s students at the school gate.” After sending the message, I stuck to the wall, covering my breath. Now in the alley was an oily voice. “Actually, we don’t have to touch this, but you have to apologize to my brother.” “Why should I?” A sound came from inside, as if someone had hit the wall with the guitar. “Don’t move!” Zack’s voice in the quiet alley was like a whimpering lion. ———-This is the breakpoint———- Even though I knew I should protect my own safety, I really couldn’t sit by and do nothing.
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