The Hatred Does Not Diminish

After my husband’s first love came back, I saw his answers to a question on Reddit- “What is it like to marry someone you don’t love?”   He wrote that he didn’t love his wife. Despite her wholehearted dedication and taking good care of the family, he still couldn’t forget about his ex-girlfriend.   He said he knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help it.   Someone commented: You’re not anonymous, aren’t you afraid that your wife will see this post and divorce you?   He replied: No, she can’t live without me.   However, what he didn’t expect was that the next day, I left the divorce agreement on his bedside table and left without a word.   ***   Several days after Eliza Crawford came back from France, I discovered Liam’s answer on a Reddit question.   –What is it like to marry someone you don’t love?   He didn’t post anonymously, and his profile picture was a photo he took together with Eliza.   “It’s like living in stagnant water. Waveless and numb.”   “I don’t love my wife. After breaking up with my first love, my family pressured me to get married quickly. I was disheartened at that time, feeling that if I couldn’t get to marry my love, marrying anyone else would be the same.”   “Coincidentally, my wife has always liked me. We have known each other for a long time and know each other well. So I proposed to her.”   “I still remember that day. She was so happy that she cried and kept asking me if she was dreaming. To be honest, I felt quite guilty. Over the years in our marriage, she has been wholeheartedly devoted to me and taken good care of everything in the family, from the trivial to the important.”   My finger trembled slightly as I continued to scroll down.   He wrote, “But I don’t love her. All these years, I have always been thinking about my first love.”   “I know it’s wrong of me, and I’ve tried to like her! I really did. But I just can’t.”   Someone commented: You’re not anonymous, aren’t you afraid that your wife will see this post and divorce you?”   His tone remained as confident as ever when he wrote:   No, she can’t live without me.   It felt again that long-standing thorn that had been hidden in my heart from the start. It used to pierce me sharply, but now its edges had been smoothed by my wounded flesh and blood, and it no longer hurt me as sharply as it did at first.   But there was still a dull ache, densely woven around my heart. I couldn’t ignore it.   I laughed bitterly.   Look how well he understood me.   Even at this stage, he knew.   I couldn’t live without him.   That night, Liam acted as usual.   We were like any other Darby and Joan in the world. Before going to bed, he complimented me on the delicious dinner I made, as he always did, and then turned away back to his phone.   The king-size bed wasn’t too big for the two of us, but when we slept back to back, there was still a vacant space in between us that couldn’t be crossed, like an abyss.   I suddenly remembered the day he proposed to me.   He thought I was crying tears of joy, but he didn’t know that my heart was full of inconsolable sadness at that time.   He had been with Eliza for a whole seven years, from the age of seventeen to twenty-four. They had the best moments of their lives together, accompanying each other from youth to maturity.   After graduating from college, Eliza wanted to continue her study in France and had already received an offer from her dream school.   But Liam’s father suddenly fell seriously ill, and his family asked him to take over the family business, so he had to stay in the country.   Perhaps long-distance relationships never have good outcomes. At first, they could still hold on to each other, but as the time bring apart grew longer, various problems began to arise. The time difference also reduced the time they could communicate.   In addition, Liam had just taken over the family company at that time and was busy every day. Eliza, who was alone in a foreign country, suddenly realized at some point that he would never be there when she needed him.   The arguments between them became more and more frequent. Finally, after Eliza had been abroad for a year, their conflicts erupted completely into a big fight. Impulsively, Eliza suggested breaking up.   Originally, the situation could have been salvaged, but both of them were always outstanding individuals in the crowd and too proud to back down.   What’s more, Liam’s father had just been buried at that time, and he was in deep grief without the energy to deal with the relationship issue with Eliza on time.   In the end, they drifted apart.   But I knew that he never truly let go of Eliza in his heart.   When he proposed to me, I knew that he didn’t love me.   He was just feeling annoyed by his family and wanted to quickly get married to someone. Coincidentally, I had the best conditions in all aspects, so he randomly chose me.   I understood all of this.   But the most heartbreaking part was that even though I clearly knew all of this, when he proposed to me with that ring he casually bought through his secretary, I couldn’t help but want to accept him.   That day, my tears streamed endlessly like a river. He thought I was crying tears of happiness, but I was just sad.   What made me sad was not that he didn’t love me.   But that I could only love him regardless.

Whether intentional or not, our university classmates organized a reunion right after Eliza returned from France.   It had been three years, and Eliza was even more beautiful than before.   She was wearing a maroon-colored long dress, with her hair flowing down her shoulders like silk, looking casual enough yet elegant nonetheless.   However, from the moment she entered, Liam didn’t even glance at her. He sat closely by my side with a look of consideration, serving me food complaisantly.   He had never cut my steak for me when we were at home. But now, he attentively put the readily cut steak back on my plate, smiling tenderly and saying, “There, you’re all good.”   Eliza across the table froze for a moment, and the smile on her face slowly faded away.   Suddenly, I found it somewhat hilarious.   In this seemingly three-person play, only the two of them were performing passionately, while I was just an undeserving clown, watching from the sidelines.   After three rounds of drinks, a bald male classmate who couldn’t handle his wine very well drunkenly smiled at Eliza and said loudly:   “Ellie, how come you look even more beautiful than before? Do you have a boyfriend now? If not, why not go out with me?”   Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Liam froze.   Eliza laughed and said, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend. But I also don’t think we’re a good match.”   “Why not?” the bald guy, feeling rejected, became somewhat angry and spoke without thinking, “Are you still thinking about Liam? What, you want to save yourself for him?”   “He’s already married! Hey, listen, it’s not easy for women over twenty-five to find a partner. Do you think you’re still the beloved little princess or something?”   Eliza’s smile couldn’t hold up any longer, “You’ve had too much to drink.”   Another gawker took out her phone, “Maybe their love for each other was mutual? I saw Liam answer a question on reddit before – ‘What is it like to marry someone you don’t love?’”   “Ellie, this is a photo of you and Liam, right? It’s still on your Instagram!”   As soon as the others realized there was some tea in this, everyone took out their phones to check.   “Where is it? I want to read it too!”   Even Eliza, when she saw that answer, looked at Liam with a complicated expression. Her eyes became slightly moist.   Liam gazed back at her.   I felt a chill down my spine, trembling uncontrollably.   The truth was out in the open in front of everyone’s eyes: the person my husband truly loved was not me, but actually someone else.   In an instant, I felt like a sinner stripped naked and paraded through the streets. Shamed and heartbroken, I wished I could escape immediately.   After a long while, Liam finally spoke up.   His voice sounded normal, but if one listened carefully, one could detect a slight trembling in it:   “It’s all nonsense. I have a good relationship with my wife. Let’s continue our dinner.”   Others nodded and put away their phones, but during the rest of the dinner, I could feel countless glances occasionally falling on the three of us.   Among the gazes directed at me, there was only sympathy and mockery.   This was probably the most difficult meal I had ever had in my life. When it was almost over, Liam said, “I’ll go to the restroom,” and stood up to leave.   Not long after, Eliza also went out.   Many people looked at me intentionally or unintentionally.   I didn’t know what to feel anymore, so I pretended nothing had happened and continued stiffly stuffing food into my mouth like a programmed robot.   After the event ended, all the others left.   I waited for a long time, but Liam never came back, so I had to go back in to find him.   As I passed through the corridor, I suddenly heard Eliza’s voice, filled with a sobbing tone.   I hid in the shadow of a corner and quietly looked over.   I saw Eliza embracing Liam from behind, crying when she said:   “You clearly can’t get over me either!”   Liam frowned, “You read too much into it. I’m already married.”   With tears, Eliza said:   “Then why don’t you dare to look me in the eye right now?”   “How do you explain that reddit article? Liam, you clearly don’t love her!”   She sobbed softly, “I know it’s not right for me to say this but… we got together first.”   “If it wasn’t for her, maybe we would have reconciled long ago… Liam, I came back for you. Can’t we start over? I was immature before to break up with you like that, can’t we give it another try?”   Liam’s body stiffened, his eyes hidden in the shadow cast by his brows, I couldn’t see his expression clearly.   After a long while, he slowly turned around and embraced Eliza tightly.   The two of them passionately kissed each other in this neglected corridor, as if all the suppressed emotions from these years had suddenly burst into flame.   And I stood silently in the corner, letting countless icy blades tear apart my heart.   I didn’t know why. It was them that got spotted cheating, but it was me who ran away like a thief.   I didn’t stop till I was under the dim streetlight outside. Gasping for breath, I absentmindedly touched my face, only to realize that my face was already covered with cold tears.

Liam came back very late that night.   He seemed like he wanted to explain something to me, but he opened his mouth and couldn’t say anything.   I smiled as usual and said, “It’s late. We can talk some other time.”   He breathed a sigh of relief and let go of his furrowed brows. And he didn’t stop me when I went to sleep in the guest room with a blanket.   Later that night, I opened reddit lying alone in the guest room bed.   There were many new comments below Liam’s answer, probably from classmates who had just watched the show of us tonight.   And his statement remained the same:   No, she can’t live without me.   Moonlight seeped through the mist and fell into my window vaguely. The thin curtain was blown up by the wind, wavering like rootless seaweed in deep waters.   I sat up and took out the divorce agreement from the drawer.   Over the years, although Liam didn’t love me, he could still be considered a good husband.   He would hand over all his wages and bonuses to me to manage.   And in the past year, he had become slightly different from before.   He would kiss me before leaving for work, and when we cuddled before sleep, he would whisper sweetly in my ear my nickname.   When I couldn’t sleep because of menstrual pain, he would rub his hands together to make them warm enough and give me a massage. Several times, I fell asleep in a daze and woke up in the middle of the night, only to find that he was still massaging despite being too tired to keep his eyes open.   I genuinely thought that given enough time, he could fall in love with me one day.   But when Eliza came back, I realized it was all just an illusion.   I divided the money I had saved over the years into two parts, signed my name on the divorce agreement, and quietly placed it on the coffee table. Then I packed my things and gently closed the door behind me.   I left.   Then, I logged onto reddit to reply to Liam’s answer with a simple sentence:   Yes, she can.   Liam’s call didn’t come until the next afternoon.   Maybe he had been occupied with Eliza before that, so he had just seen the divorce agreement I left behind.   “What do you mean by this?” Liam suppressed his anger and said, “Evelyn, you want to divorce me?”   I remained silent for a moment before whispering, “Yes. You should sign the agreement when you have the time. And let me know when you will be free to proceed with the divorce procedures with me.”   “Don’t worry, I didn’t take much. The house and car are all yours, only—”   Before I could finish, Liam interrupted me angrily:   “That’s enough from you! Is it really necessary to go this far for that farce last night?”   His voice sounded mocking, “You’re angry because of that reddit answer, right? Sure, my bad. But did I ever tell you how much I hate being threatened? Do you really think that—”   “I know that,” I didn’t wait for him to finish, “that’s why I’m serious.”   “Liam,” I held back the bitterness in my voice, “last night, I saw you both in the corridor.”   Liam’s breath caught, and he couldn’t say another word.   He seemed anxious to explain:   “That’s not it, you have to listen to me—”   With a teary voice, I said, “Liam, what was on your mind when you wrote that response? When you were trampling on my feelings, were you watching me like I was a joke, thinking I’m just a gullible fool?”   “Is my love so worthless in your eyes?”   Liam, who rarely flustered, stuttered, “I… I didn’t mean it that way! I just wrote that nonsense when I was drunk. Evelyn, don’t jump to any conclusion!”   Jump to a conclusion?   I curved my lips. He had made it so clear in his writing already, I can reach the conclusion easily without jumping.   I lifted my head, preventing tears from falling.   “Liam, let’s get a divorce!”   …   In that phone call, Liam refused to divorce me, no matter what.   He only said he needed more time to think.   I didn’t mind. If he didn’t agree, I could always sue for divorce in court, it would just mean me enduring this sickening situation a bit longer.   I could stand him not loving me, but I couldn’t tolerate him trampling on my feelings like this.   It never rains but it pours, and I meant that literally. Just a few days later, it suddenly started pouring when I was getting off work. The visibility was poor, and the car in front of the taxi I was on suddenly slowed down, causing the taxi to rear-end it.   My lower abdomen slammed hard against the corner of the notebook I was holding, and my forehead hit the window. The pain was so intense that everything went black in front of my eyes and I heard a buzzing in my ears.   Later, I was taken to the hospital. After a series of examinations, the doctor furrowed his brows slightly and said, “You’re already pregnant, how could you be so careless? You were already showing signs of threatened miscarriage, your child was very close to not making it!”   I was stunned.   My child?   Looking at my appearance, the doctor was puzzled and said,   “You don’t happen to be unaware that you’re pregnant, do you?”   I nodded, feeling somewhat bewildered, and touched my lower abdomen.   It felt flat, with no signs of abnormality whatsoever. I couldn’t imagine that inside it there was a tiny life connected to my own bloodline growing silently.   My mind was a mess, and I bit my lip.   Karma was indeed a bitch.   I had always wanted a child during the many years I was with Liam.   Back then, I always thought that having his baby would make him stay by my side, so I would constantly pester him, to the extent that he would scold me, saying,   “Hey, woman! Are you that horny?!”   However, even so, I failed to conceive his baby.   I couldn’t help but bitterly smile: now that we were getting a divorce, it came. Such an inappropriate time.   The pain in my head was still throbbing, and I felt sick.   The doctor examined me and said, “Right now the possibility of concussion is not yet ruled out. You need to stay in the hospital for a few days. Also, in your current condition, you need someone to take care of you. Have your family come over, and ask them to take care of the expenses as well.”   I pursed my lips, thought for a moment, and ultimately sent Liam a message. He didn’t reply, so I dialed his number.   Quite embarrassing. I had just threatened him with divorce, and now I was calling him immediately after all that had happened.   But I got married and moved to this city from another state, and so I didn’t have many relatives or friends here. The only person I could rely on was him.   The phone rang for a long time before he answered, and I could faintly hear the sound of music and people talking in the background.   Suppressing the pain in my head, I spoke in a low and hoarse voice,   “Liam, can you come and accompany me? I’m at the hospital, I just had a car accident.”   Liam sneered coldly, “Evelyn, can you come up with a decent excuse?”   “I wasn’t–”   He interrupted me, “Weren’t you full of energy yesterday, yelling at me to get a divorce? How come you’re regretting it so quickly?”   Eliza’s voice also came from the other end, “Liam, come over quickly!”   Before hanging up, Liam left me with a contemptuous laugh.   “Evelyn, I loathe you.”   Then there was only the cold electronic busy tone, with each ring pinned a rusty nail in my weary heart.   I stared at my phone, feeling like my heart had stopped beating. The headache and stomachache slowly faded away, and all I could feel was the dull pain in my heart, belatedly.   The doctor continued, “You’ll need to get a shot of Progesterone. Your health wasn’t so great to begin with, and now with the accident, it’ll be difficult to keep this baby. You–”   I looked up, numbly saying, “It’s okay. I don’t want this baby.”   “You want an abortion?”   After a pause, I nodded.   The taste of bitterness spread out on my tongue, but I still managed to say those words with difficulty:   “Yes, I want an abortion, please.”

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