The day I was diagnosed with cancer, my boyfriend broke up with me. Again. I just smiled, telling him to wait. He lost it, smashing everything in the room. “Why isn’t it *you* who’s dying?!” Three months ago, his first love died in a car crash. He blamed me, saying it was because I was jealous and wouldn’t let him drive her home. I lowered my eyes, repeating softly, “Just wait a little longer.” Wait a little longer, and it *will* be me dying. **1** Caleb was completely wasted again, the air in the sealed room thick with the stench of smoke and alcohol. After getting him settled and cleaning up, I finally had a moment to look at the diagnostic report. From time to time, Caleb mumbled in his sleep, calling out his ex-girlfriend’s name. I suddenly laughed out loud for no reason. I could recite every word on that report, but the brutal truth? I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it. The room lights flickered on, snapping me out of my trance. I quickly crumpled the report and shoved it into my pocket. Good thing Caleb didn’t even glance my way. He rubbed his temples, walked straight to the memorial in the living room, lit an incense stick, and bowed solemnly. After Serena died in the car accident, Caleb intentionally placed her memorial photo in our home. He’d said, “I want you to look at her every day and feel guilty.” Guilty for what? The day it happened, Serena got drunk. She clung to my boyfriend, crying about how she’d never forgotten him all these years. She brazenly ignored me, his current girlfriend, using her drunkenness as an excuse. No matter how much our other classmates tried to intervene at the reunion, it was useless. I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled her from Caleb’s arms and tossed her aside. Caleb wanted to take her home. I scoffed, “With so many classmates here, what business is it of yours?” The standoff lasted a long time until Serena’s admirer offered to take her, finally easing the tension. But I never expected them to get into a car crash and both die. And Caleb? He blamed me for everything. It was utterly absurd. Did he… did he want to die too? **2** After his private ritual, Caleb walked up to me, looking down. “Your turn,” he commanded. I let out a soft laugh. “How long are you going to keep up this charade?” He frowned, kicking the table in front of me away. “You don’t want to? Fine, let’s break up then. Can you really bear to lose your golden goose?” He always used that line to threaten me. He was addicted to it. Caleb and I had been together for four years. We once had over six hundred thousand followers because we used to show off our relationship online. Everyone said we were perfect for each other. They even said the way Caleb looked at me was full of love. Back then, he even boasted, “The way I look at Anya will never change, not even when I’m old. No, wait, when I’m eighty and my eyes are blurry, I might not even recognize my own little grandma, her.” But people change. Especially as they get older, when the initial passion fades, it’s easier for other thoughts to creep in. I never realized how much he liked his ex-girlfriend until that last reunion. That’s when I discovered the timeless truth about the idealized first love and the complicated present one. His idealized first love hadn’t forgotten him, and he suddenly remembered how great she was. And me, getting older and less appealing? Not so charming anymore. Maybe after I die, he’ll reminisce about me just as deeply to his next girlfriend. I initially played along with Caleb’s twisted ritual out of pity. He was practically losing his mind, tormented by guilt and regret. I thought letting him shift the blame onto me might make him feel better. But I never expected him to get so lost in the role. **3** “Just wait a little longer.” I said it with a smile, then stood up to shower. Maybe he felt I wasn’t taking his words seriously, because he started smashing things like a maniac. Everything in the room, from large furniture to small ornaments, was something we’d chosen together. Each item held a story, a memory. He roared while trashing the place, “Why isn’t it *you* who died?!” Looking at the wreckage, my heart was strangely calm. I even smiled genuinely. “Just wait.” Seriously. Just wait. Liver cancer. Three to six months, tops. Caleb didn’t grasp the grim meaning behind my words. He rushed over, grabbing my shoulders, shaking me hard. “If you don’t want to break up, then go pay your respects to her. Go!” In the end, I complied. Caleb was giving me a headache. A child throwing a tantrum really never ends. **4** That night, I tossed and turned, unable to sleep. So I just sat up and watched Caleb beside me. Lately, he always turned his back to me, keeping his distance. I had to prop myself up, reach over, and crane my neck just to see his face. He didn’t seem to be sleeping peacefully; his brows were tightly furrowed. His usually youthful face was etched with a new weariness. His eyelashes were long enough to make anyone jealous, his high nose tracing a sharp line in the air, and his pointed chin had a faint stubble. I gazed at him, lost in thought, my memory suddenly pulling me back to our first meeting. He was eighteen then, just starting college, brimming with endless energy, sweating on the basketball court, drawing screams from a crowd of fanatical admirers. I was twenty-three, back at my old university for some business. I saw a bunch of young heartthrobs on the court and went to check it out. When he ended the game with a three-pointer, I screamed with the crowd, as excited as if I’d gone back to my own youth. He instantly noticed me in the crowd, looking over, his eyes full of pride. I gave him an unreserved thumbs-up. Then, he came running towards me, hugging the basketball. “Hey, are you a teacher?” Under the glorious sunlight, his skin was almost translucent. His amber eyes were as clear as a stream. He was so close, I could even smell the distinct youthful scent of him. “I’m not a teacher, and teachers can’t be called ‘hey.’” I looked up, meeting his gaze intensely until the tips of his ears turned faintly red. Only then did I let him off the hook, satisfied. Back then, Caleb and I were both pretty obvious. I wanted to flirt with him. And he was interested in me too. But no one expected us to actually fall in love, to playfully navigate four years together. Being an older woman in a relationship with a younger man, I naturally tolerated his childishness and stubbornness. In return, he gave me the pure honesty and romance of youth. But recently, he’d become way too selfish. And he’d forgotten to give back. **5** I hadn’t slept all night. When I finally drifted off and woke up again, it was already evening. Moonlight streamed through a gap in the curtains, casting a stark white glow. I instinctively reached for my phone to check my content analytics. My team had updated everything as usual, and our sales metrics were stable. This influencer marketing agency? Caleb and I started it together. I put up the money, and I managed it. He just had to show up and act for the videos. I often marveled at how he was born into such a good era. He really could make a living just by being good-looking. And a *great* living, at that. But early success and easy money are never really good things. I suffered for it, and so did he. I called Caleb several times, but got no answer. I got up to wash my face, but on the way, the memorial photo startled me again. I grabbed a few tissues, covered it, and continued to the bathroom. Suddenly, a sharp voice cut through the silence behind me. “What are you doing?” I froze, turning around to see Caleb smoking on the balcony. A glowing cigarette butt, almost burnt out, pulsed between his fingers. Wisps of smoke drifted upwards, blurring his face. He must have been angry about my disrespect towards Serena just now. “She might be cold,” I mumbled, walking into the bathroom. He stormed to the doorway, eyes blazing red. “She’s dead! Why do you still have to humiliate her?” I laughed. “Humiliate her? Kid, if I *really* wanted to humiliate her, I would have told everyone at her funeral that the baby she was carrying was *yours*.” It took me all night to decide to lay everything bare. Given my current situation, there was no point in pretending anymore. I found out about it two days ago. Caleb was completely wasted then, so drunk he was spilling secrets without even knowing it. He even forgot that I slapped him twice, stripped him, and left him on the balcony to freeze for half the night. That’s when I finally understood why he felt so guilty, why he *needed* to push the blame onto me just to survive. I had planned to carefully sort out the company shares, minimize my losses, and then break up with him. But I never expected to be diagnosed with cancer. Sigh. I guess I’ll have to play a different game now. I may be attracted to good looks, but I’m no pushover. **6** All the aggression drained from Caleb. He stood frozen, silent for a long moment. “I really spoiled you.” I finished washing my face and walked out. As I brushed past him, he grabbed my wrist, clutching it like a drowning man, desperately asking, “When… when did you find out?” I pushed him away. “Does it matter?” He stumbled a few steps, then slumped against the wall, utterly lost. He slowly slid to the floor, tilting his pale face up at me, a bitter smile twisting his lips. “Yeah, does it matter? As long as it doesn’t stop you from making money, right? That’s all I am to you, isn’t it? You don’t care how many women I have, or if I love you. In your eyes, I’m just worthless. But do you know what I thought of you when you were so high and mighty, humiliating Serena? You’re such trash. Kissing up to big shots, then flexing on regular people.” The ‘humiliation’ he mentioned must have been at that last reunion. I hadn’t wanted to go, honestly. I knew it’d be awkward around Caleb’s college friends; I was older, and we didn’t have much in common. But Caleb kept whining, saying he’d lose face if I didn’t show up. I’d fallen into the habit of indulging him. So I went. I brought gifts for everyone. Most people were polite; they knew Caleb and I worked in a sensitive industry and avoided touchy subjects. Only Serena. She kept labeling me an ‘influencer,’ asking about industry rumors. She even joked, asking if Caleb and I were really just a ‘contract couple,’ as netizens speculated, and if our public displays of affection were all just an act. That’s when I sensed her true intentions weren’t pure. So, I asked her, “Are you jealous of me?” My voice was a little too loud, making her embarrassed. Her eyes reddened, on the verge of tears, looking utterly innocent. “I’m just worried you’re using Caleb. He’s such a simple boy; he doesn’t belong in such a complicated industry.” “Oh, if you keep being so ‘concerned’ about him, you’ll just end up being the other woman. Hope you can stay ‘simple’ yourself.” After that, she just drank in silence, wiping away tears now and then, drawing attention and sympathy from many. Later, she got drunk and, quite predictably, put on a show of drunken distress in front of everyone, spilling her guts about her feelings for him. I didn’t care what others thought of me, but now I know that Caleb, between Serena and me, never stood by me, no matter who was right or wrong. Maybe he even agreed with Serena, thinking I was just using him. And that Serena truly cared for him. How could he forget? How did he, at twenty-two, achieve so much, far surpassing his peers? It was because of me. My humbling myself before powerful industry players, kissing up to them – wasn’t he the one benefiting? Ah, I get it now. He wanted me to feel guilty about Serena because he thought I ruined his chance to be with her. I knelt in front of him, tracing his profile with my finger, trying to sound understanding. “You silly boy, how could you be worthless? You still have this face. Only when you’re old and ugly will you truly be worthless.” **7** When we usually didn’t fight, but once we started, it was like a floodgate opening, raging out of control. All the old scores, big and small, came pouring out. There was no affection left, only deep-seated animosity. Because we knew each other so well, every word hit exactly where it hurt, wounding a thousand enemies, even if it meant eight hundred self-inflicted wounds. We didn’t care. Eventually, words weren’t enough, and we started to physically fight. I threw the first punch. The apartment, already a wreck from yesterday, now looked like a war zone. We were like trapped beasts, searching for an escape by hurting each other. I was at my breaking point; he was overwhelmed. We fought for what felt like an eternity, until Serena’s memorial photo crashed to the floor amidst the chaos. That’s when we both instinctively stopped. But in the end, he never truly hit me hard. I looked at his face, scratched with several bloody marks, and sneered, “Caleb, you really are pathetic now.” He roughly wiped the blood from his mouth, gritting his teeth. “You’re a complete lunatic.” Yes, I was. With my life counting down, I finally allowed myself to be truly reckless in this relationship. Thinking of this, I felt both triumphant and deeply sad. “There’s even more craziness to come. Tomorrow, I’m announcing our breakup on our couple’s account, and I’m spilling all the disgusting things you’ve done.” “You can’t scare me. You love money so much, you’d never give that up.” He always said I loved money, which was something I never understood. Is loving money wrong? Is it wrong to seize opportunities and work hard for the life you want? “Believe it or not, just get out now.” **8** After Caleb stormed out, silence returned to the apartment. I stared at Serena’s photo on the floor, trying to recall when exactly so much resentment had built up between Caleb and me. So much that in the heat of the moment, we’d say such vicious things to each other. We had clearly loved each other once. He resented my shrewdness and worldliness, but I never intended to use it to hurt him. He resented that I always negated him, but my denials were out of fear that he’d get lost in the hollow glow of internet fame. How many things did I do that I thought were right, but were actually completely wrong? Or did we both become unrecognizable on our journey chasing wealth, without even realizing it? Too many complex thoughts flooded my mind, making my head ache as if it would explode. I tried desperately to endure, but the despair rushing in from all sides magnified every bit of pain infinitely. I could only hurt myself to fight fire with fire. My arm was bitten raw and bleeding, yet I felt a perverse sense of satisfaction. Later, all my emotions and energy were drained. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I lay numbly on the floor, unable to move, next to Serena’s photo. The entire night passed like this. At nine in the morning, when the sunlight finally touched me, I was roused. I got up, opened my laptop, and slowly began typing out my tell-all about Caleb’s cheating. The moment I hit ‘post,’ my heart ached as if a giant hand was squeezing it repeatedly. Four years. Every little moment documented on that account, garnering countless blessings and envy. Yet, it ended so miserably. What a regret. How unexpected. I casually clicked on our pinned video. It was three years ago, a clip I secretly filmed when Caleb was a freshman. He was asleep at his desk, the afternoon sun warming his profile. His skin was flawless, his breathing soft and even, his hair fluffy and soft, occasionally stirred by the breeze. He looked so clean and harmless. I quickly leaned down and kissed his cheek, then looked proudly at the camera. Behind me, he was secretly smiling, his face and neck flushing crimson in just a few seconds. That kind of shyness and joy, pouring from the depths of his soul, was more sincere and moving than any declaration of love. Even though the plot was simple, it was loved by so many people at the time. They were even more certain than I was: Caleb truly loved me. To this day, those netizens are still following us. What a shame. I let them down. Eighteen-year-old Caleb loved me, but time had twisted that love. We had both changed. **9** Caleb was too young, sharp and foolish. Early success fueled his arrogance, and praise bloated him beyond all reason. He simply didn’t grasp that dreams have an end, and life is unpredictable. My foresight and caution only irritated him, even disgusted him. So, when a Serena appeared, full of worship and tenderness for him, he naturally couldn’t resist the temptation, unable to control himself. Understanding these previously overlooked truths brought me a strange sense of relief, even though the process was agonizing, making me feel utterly worthless. Chloe, my assistant, asked if announcing the breakup this way was too reckless. She worried that if Caleb retaliated with slander, it would be a very ugly public fight. I looked at her and smiled gently. “When you mess up, you have to face the consequences. If he wants to make a scene, let him. He’ll have to clean up his own mess in the end. As long as he’s not afraid.” Chloe gasped. “Anya, this could seriously damage his career. Are you really not going to protect him anymore? I’m not saying this because I feel sorry for him, I just need to know if we should go easy on him later.” Actually, I always wanted to protect Caleb’s innocence and goodness. I loved that sunny quality about him. But I didn’t realize I was hindering his growth. Now, I’m giving him all the hard knocks society owes him, all at once. For him, it’s not a bad thing. “Find a lawyer. Sue him. He’s damaged the company’s reputation. Kick him out. The sooner, the better.” If we had parted amicably, I wouldn’t have treated him badly. He’d been with me since he was eighteen. I enjoyed his best years, his vibrant energy. He deserved a hefty breakup fee. But now… it was just too ugly. **10** When I got back from the office, Caleb was squatting in the corner by the door, waiting for me. He had a key, but I’d changed the lock, so he couldn’t get in. That’s why he looked so pathetic. Made by the internet, ruined by the internet. Three days after our breakup, his reputation online was in tatters. I walked over and nudged him with my foot. He looked up, his eyes bloodshot. The injuries on his face hadn’t healed yet, covered in brown scabs. After a few seconds of silent staring, he spoke, his voice hoarse, “Are you trying to destroy both of us?” I shook my head. “You’re giving yourself too much credit. I’ll be the one to go, but the net will be just fine.” Tears welled in his eyes, but he still put on a tough front. “Fine, you’re ruthless. I never wanted to be in this industry anyway. It’s so damn dirty.” Yes, but no matter how dirty it was, I always did my best to protect him. When powerful industry players tried to take advantage of him, I didn’t hesitate to break contracts and pay penalties to preserve his dignity. When competitors slandered him, I’d pull all-nighters managing comments and doing PR, while finding ways to keep him offline. This industry is tough. He might have found it hard, but he never had it as hard as I did. What’s more, his rewards far outstripped his efforts, so much so that he had no idea what real hardship or the ruthlessness of the world truly meant. I couldn’t help but sigh. “Caleb, what you did was pretty dirty too. Remember this lesson for the future.” He staggered to his feet, gripped my shoulders, and leaned down, forcing me to look him in the eye. He said each word slowly, deliberately, “Am I as dirty as you? Do you dare say you never sold yourself for resources?” I’m dying, and I still have to argue about this with him. It’s so annoying. “Fine, it’s all my fault. I wasn’t good enough for you. If I had broken up with you sooner, you wouldn’t have had to sneak around with Serena, and maybe she wouldn’t have died. You two could have grown old together, stayed true, and had a house full of kids.” I said what he wanted to hear, but it only made him angrier. He asked, his voice choked with tears, “Did you ever love me?” What a failure. Four years of intimacy, and in the end, he doubted even that. “Kid,” I forced out a fake commercial smile, trying to keep the tremble out of my voice. “I love money. How could it be you?” He froze for a few seconds, then bolted, as if something terrifying was chasing him. I watched the direction he disappeared into, lost in thought for a long time.
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