When I was eighteen, I took a brutal hit to the head trying to save my younger brother, Jake, and my girlfriend, Chloe, after they fell through the ice. My mind froze, forever stuck at seven years old. Jake knelt by my hospital bed, his voice choked with sobs: “Leo, you gave me my life. I swear I’ll take care of you forever.” Chloe, who I’d grown up with since childhood, clutched my hand tightly: “Once you’re better, we’ll get married.” For ten years, they took me to countless specialists, traveling through eighteen countries, searching for a cure. Until they fell in love, and I became their only burden. Jake would hit me, and Chloe would scream insults. But when a sudden fire broke out, both Jake and Chloe shielded me. They wrapped my limp body in wet blankets, sacrificing their lives to push me towards the emergency exit. “We don’t owe you anything more. If there’s a next life, please let us finally be together, just us?” I looked at Chloe’s swollen, tear-filled eyes, and let go of my breath. This time, it’s your turn to be free.
I survived. They risked their lives, pushing me out of the burning house. Chloe’s long hair, which she’d kept for ten years, was scorched. Her burns were so severe she needed skin grafts. Jake’s left hand was severely injured; he might be permanently disabled. Everyone paid a heavy price. When I woke up, Chloe sat by my hospital bed, her expression twisted with something dark. “Why are you so resilient?” “You were in that room, burning for five minutes, alone. How are you still alive?” As she spoke, her voice grew shriller, laced with a terrifying edge. “Do you just have to cling to us forever, dragging us down, so we have to die for you, don’t you?” I didn’t understand what she was saying. But I could feel her anger, her suppressed rage. Chloe was upset. Her hair was singed, and there were a dozen inflamed wounds on her arm. I sat up and gently touched the top of her head. Then, like countless times before, I softly patted her back. My voice was hoarse and grating as I tried to soothe her: “Don’t cry, don’t cry. Boo-boos fly away.” I didn’t know why I was doing it. But I remembered, back then, whenever I comforted her like this, she’d feel a little better. I just wanted her to be happy. Chloe froze for a moment, then roughly shoved me away. She wiped away her tears, her voice piercing. “I don’t want an idiot like you touching me!” “As long as you’re around, I’ll never get better.” My eyes were blank, I could only pick out words like “idiot” and “touch” from her outburst. So, I obediently withdrew my hand and moved to the other side of the bed. In my haste, my head hit the bedside table, and a sharp pain shot through the back of my skull. I bit back the pain, but my eyes welled up. “I’ll go, I’ll go.” “Chloe, don’t be mad.” Jake pushed open the door, his right hand still bandaged. Seeing the scene, he just said impatiently: “Why are you wasting so much breath on him? He’s an idiot, he won’t understand.” “We must have really owed him from a past life.” He’d said something similar in the fire. Yet, he still rushed in desperately, shielding me with his body. He risked a second explosion to save me. It was then I slowly realized that my existence, perhaps, was a burden. Chloe gritted her teeth, her face filled with resentment. “Are we just going to let him drag us down forever?” “We’re almost thirty! To take care of him, I haven’t dared to quit my job, haven’t dared to get married. We’re stretching every dollar.” “It’s been ten years! We’ve done more than enough for him. Why couldn’t he just quietly die in that fire?” Her voice broke, and she bent down, sobbing. “We could have just watched him die! Why did we have to save him?” “Jake, this life, shackled by guilt, it’s unbearable.” My heart suddenly lurched. It felt like someone was tearing at my chest, a sharp pain spreading through me. If I died, would they be happy? I thought it, and then I said it: “Then I’ll just die.” The words “die” seemed to stab directly into Chloe’s nerves. She shook her head, then nodded. Jake pulled her into a hug, his face filled with helpless resignation. “Why are you saying all this in front of an idiot? He won’t understand.” Under his soothing words, Chloe gradually calmed down. I watched them, leaning on each other, walk out of the hospital room. Chloe’s back looked so frail. She hadn’t put on any weight these past years. But I had gotten quite fat. Jake almost fell when he carried me once. Maybe I should have died sooner. I thought this silently. Then I held my breath.
The suffocating sensation clutched my throat, my vision blurred, and my chest felt heavy and painful. Less than twenty seconds passed before my lungs began to spasm violently. I vaguely stared at the ceiling, countless memories rushing back. Seventeen-year-old Chloe smiling at me: “When we go to college, let’s have a whirlwind romance, okay?” I gently held her in my arms, listening to her accelerating heartbeat. Twelve-year-old Jake clapped his hands nearby, cheering us on. Soon, the memories replayed like a movie, going from seventeen to twenty-seven. I closed my eyes, quietly accepting my death. The next second, I heard Chloe’s anxious voice: “Doctor! He suddenly stopped breathing!” Someone rushed to put the oxygen mask back on me. A flood of oxygen rushed into my lungs. I wanted to cough, but my chest felt compressed, like it was filled with trapped air, making it hard to breathe. When I woke up again, I saw Chloe’s haggard eyes. She was watching over me by the hospital bed, faint dark circles under her eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot. Seeing me awake, she slapped me. The sharp crack echoed, and my head snapped to the side. She screamed, cursing: “Can you just stop messing around, stop tormenting me, please?” “Are you satisfied, seeing everyone running around frantically because of you, huh?” I bit my lip, tasting blood in my throat. The pain left me disoriented. I could only instinctively mumble: “Die, make you happy.” “Chloe, I want you to be happy.” After I said that, Chloe’s body stiffened slightly. Tears welled up again. “Those were just angry words, don’t listen.” How could they be just angry words? On the day of the fire, when she dragged me out, her eyes were filled with panic. She even unconsciously said: “We don’t owe you anything anymore. If there’s a future, please let us finally be together, just us?” Back then, I was bewildered. What was a “next life”? What was “being together”? Now I understood. Only if I died, would we have a next life. If that’s the case, I’d do anything. For Chloe’s happiness, even if I died, it would be worth it. Perhaps she saw the resolve in my eyes, because she hugged me, repeating over and over: “Leo, you have to live.” “I swore I’d never leave you, and I’ll keep that promise.” Chloe’s voice was soft. More than speaking to me, it was as if she was speaking to herself. Watching her cry, my heart twisted with an agonizing ache. Only by clenching my fists could I forcibly suppress the pain. That night, Chloe arranged for my discharge. When we got home, Jake stared at me deeply, then his hand reached for my neck. His voice was full of helplessness and pain: “Brother, sometimes I really wish it was me who became simple-minded.” “Why did you save me, forcing me to owe you so much?” His hand gradually tightened, but I began to struggle wildly. No! I couldn’t die by Jake’s hand. I grabbed his arm and bit him fiercely. Jake yelped in pain, stumbled back, pushing me away and releasing his grip. My body crashed into a table and chair, a searing pain shooting through my lower back. Instinctive tears streamed down my face. I crawled forward, step by step, carefully looking at Jake’s wound. But he kicked me towards the table. He gasped for breath, his voice vicious: “Stop faking it! Weren’t you going to die? Why don’t you want to die now?” “Or is it that you, you bastard, just want to torment us, making us feel guilty for the rest of our lives?” I stared with bewildered eyes, watching him cry and call me “brother” one moment, then glare furiously and call me a “bastard” the next. I could only try to soothe him cautiously: “Killing, illegal.”
Don’t cry. Killing is illegal. I don’t want you to ruin the rest of your life because of me. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t form a complete sentence. I raised my own arm and bit down hard. A metallic taste of blood spread from my teeth. A visible bite mark quickly appeared on my arm. It hurt, but I still raised my hand and slowly said: “I hurt too, don’t cry.” Jake froze, staring at the wound on my hand, unable to speak. Chloe rushed over frantically, grabbed the first-aid kit, and began bandaging Jake’s wound. Her face was ashen. “Jake, are you crazy? If you killed him, you’d go to jail!” “Are you really going to throw away the rest of your life for an idiot?” She disinfected the wound, trembling all the while. Her eyes were filled with despair and helplessness. Jake watched the scene unfold, then let out a soft sigh. “I just wanted to die with him. That way, you could still live a normal life.” “Don’t let us brothers burden you forever.” The atmosphere in the living room was heavy and silent. I hung my head helplessly, feeling a wave of despair. I thought, I should have died sooner. I should have gone quietly, to a place where no one would know. But Chloe forcibly dragged me into the attic room. Inside were my favorite toys and my favorite snacks. All the corners of the furniture had soft pads on them. She looked at me, her voice softening. “From now on, I’ll change your food every day.” “You eat nicely and sleep nicely, okay?” I nodded vigorously. The word “nicely” was good. I remembered when I first woke up, countless tubes sticking out of my body. Chloe stood outside the isolation window, mouthing to me: “Heal nicely. When you’re better, I’ll marry you.” I didn’t know what “marry” meant, but I knew it was a sign that Chloe would always be with me. So, I endured the torment of my illness. I underwent hundreds of re-examinations and finally learned to walk. With every step I took, Chloe would kiss me. “Leo, you’re so good, you’re amazing!” In those first few years, she often used “good” to praise me. I blinked, and tears actually fell from my eyes. But I still obediently said: “Okay, I’ll listen.” I knew I couldn’t die in this room. I had to go far, far away, to a place no one knew. So, I secretly made a phone call.
The next day, my stepmother, Brenda Miller, secretly showed up. While they were out at work, she forcibly took me away. Brenda’s eyes were sharp, and when she looked at me, she sighed again. “I should have taken you away years ago.” “Those two kids, they deserved a happier life. You ruined them!” A few years ago, Brenda had tried to secretly take me away. When I was found, I only remembered being severely injured and developing speech problems. Jake, for my sake, unilaterally cut ties with her. Then, to give me a safer life, he and Chloe moved out of that city. Perhaps, like me, Brenda was also thinking of the past. Because her eyes hardened with a fierce intensity, and she pulled my arm even harder. I didn’t cry or fuss, just followed her. Until she threw me into the back of her car. My face hit the leather, immediately getting a long scratch. She drove me all the way to an abandoned forest, then got out and dragged me out. She pulled my hair and cursed: “Don’t you dare go back and ruin my son’s life!” “He’s already paid you back for what he owes you! Stop clinging to him like a ghost!” After saying that, she seemed to remember the wounds on Jake’s body. She slapped me across the face again. Her sharp fingernails dug into my neck, causing a violent sting. Blood trickled down my neck, and I slumped weakly to the ground. Only then did she drive away, seemingly satisfied. The surroundings were desolate, and I could even hear the low growls of animals. I was a little scared, but I didn’t regret it. I still had a piece of candy in my pocket. I tore open the wrapper and popped it into my mouth. Stumbling along, before my strength gave out, I finally found a place with rushing water. I squatted down and tested the water temperature with my hand. Icy, bone-chilling. To keep me warm, Chloe had put a brand new down jacket on me before she left. If I died here, no one would know. And no one would hold Brenda responsible. The next moment, I jumped into the water. The frigid lake water immediately engulfed me. My cotton-padded clothes soaked through, hanging heavy on my body. In a daze, it felt like I was back at eighteen years old— Just then, I heard Chloe’s frantic scream: “Leo! No!” I was swept away by the current, and before my eyes closed, I took one last, deep look at her.
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