40 years of sexless marriage is an illusion

In my previous life, I was the commander’s wife that everyone envied. However, on the battlefield, my husband Anthony Moore suffered severe injuries to his vocal cords and groin. He lost his male function and ability to speak. From that moment on, Anthony and I lived forty years of a sexless marriage. I never despised him, spending half my life without complaint alongside a mute man. Until my sixtieth birthday, when I accidentally discovered over five hundred letters in his study. All of them were written to the woman from the military band whom he deeply loved but could never have. It turned out he wasn’t unable to speak—he simply didn’t want to talk to me. He hadn’t lost his male function—he just didn’t want to share a bed with me. This devastating blow killed me with resentment. When I opened my eyes again, I had returned to 1984. In this life, I would never compromise myself for any man again. I caught the wave of entrepreneurship. At that time, I was determined to make my mark in San Diego. Since 1980, San Diego’s biotechnology industry had begun to flourish. Transportation from my hometown to there was extremely underdeveloped. There were no planes or high-speed trains then—I could only take the old train to San Diego. Not only did I have to transfer three times, but the earliest train wouldn’t leave until Sunday. I marked a prominent circle on the calendar with a red pen. In five days, I would leave this remote mountain village. I borrowed my neighbor’s bicycle and rode all afternoon, finally reaching the train station before sunset to buy my ticket. However, as soon as I turned around, I ran into Anthony, who had just gotten off the train at the exit. I had been reborn, and he was also forty years younger. Anthony looked tall, strong, and distinguished—the youngest regimental commander in the army. His future was limitless. He was also the man I had loved for decades in my previous life. I had foolishly thought that once we married, we would be family. Even if he couldn’t speak, couldn’t share a bed with me, couldn’t have children with me, I had no complaints. Instead, I devoted my entire life’s love and passion to caring for and warming him. The result was that my life became a complete joke. Seeing me, Anthony merely frowned. He asked with displeasure, “Teresa, didn’t I tell you not to come pick me up at the station?” Only then did I remember that today was the day Anthony returned from the army to visit family. In my previous life at this time, I had called him. We had been engaged for three years, and I was already twenty—no longer young by rural standards. So I told Anthony I wanted to marry him and follow him to the army. In the military, when officers are promoted to a certain level, they can have their families join them. They can also arrange employment and schooling for military dependents. This is what couples separated by distance long for most. Anthony would be promoted to regimental commander next year, fully qualifying him to have family members join him. I had always hoped he would take me with him. But he never agreed. I anxiously called to threaten him that if he didn’t come get me, I would pack my bags and go directly to the army to find him. Only then did Anthony reluctantly return, specifically instructing me not to meet him at the train station. I knew he was deliberately keeping his distance from me. In my previous life, this made me very sad. I felt that since we were engaged, even without a wedding ceremony, we were already husband and wife. I wanted to be with Anthony, looking forward to our wedding and being able to take care of his daily needs after joining him at the army. I also wanted to have children with him. But in this life, I had absolutely no desire to marry him anymore. My heart was set only on struggling in San Diego—I had completely forgotten about Anthony’s return. I was here to buy a ticket to San Diego, not to pick him up at all. Anthony had misunderstood me, his handsome face full of impatience. “Are you really that eager? We’re still young—there’s no need to marry so quickly. Life in the army is very hard, and you’re not going there to enjoy yourself! You’ll only distract me if you come. I still want to continue advancing in rank.” Anthony directly listed many reasons why he didn’t want me to join him in the army. “I’m not here to pick you up. I also think we’re marrying too early now—I won’t be going.” My words instantly filled Anthony’s face with shock. But then he laughed mockingly. “Teresa, when did you learn to lie?” Anthony thought I was deeply in love with him and didn’t believe I would give up the idea of following him to the army. I couldn’t be bothered to explain anything to him. In five days, I would be heading to San Diego anyway. From then on, we would be far apart with no ties between us.

It’s over ten miles from San Diego to the countryside where I live. I borrowed my neighbor’s bicycle to ride there, and Anthony gave me a ride back. He rides much faster than I do, but it still took us over two hours to get back to the village. He didn’t say a single word to me the entire way—we just maintained an awkward silence. It reminded me of the forty years of silent, lonely life we had after our marriage in my previous life. By the time we reached the village, it was already past eight in the evening. The villagers are frugal and don’t turn on lights at night to save electricity, so the entire village looked pitch black. Our arrival into the village triggered a chorus of barking dogs. My mother died when I was very young, and my father passed away ten years ago while saving Anthony’s life. For all these years, I’ve been living with Anthony’s family. Anthony’s parents are very kind and have always cared for me like their own child. Seeing us come inside, Anthony’s mother Patricia Moore was heating up dinner at the stove while nagging Anthony: “Anthony, you should agree to bring your wife to the army base. If you two are together every day, you could have children sooner.” Anthony pressed his lips tightly together without saying a word. He’s an extremely stubborn person. In my previous life, because he couldn’t marry the woman he loved, he’d rather go his whole life without children, disappointing his family. Anthony’s parents both died with regrets. “Be nicer to Teresa—you should repay her! If it weren’t for Teresa’s father saving you back then, you wouldn’t even be alive. How could you have become a regiment commander?” Seeing Anthony getting impatient, his father Brad Moore quickly said to him. “Fine! I said I’d marry her! Stop pressuring me, okay? I am indeed grateful that Teresa’s father saved me, but that was just an accident. I’d rather have died than owe such a huge debt. Do I really have to spend my entire life repaying this favor?” Ten years ago, my father was the village militia captain. That year there was a flash flood, and Anthony was swept into a ravine. My father jumped into the water and desperately pulled Anthony to safety, but he drowned from exhaustion. I became an orphan and have lived with Anthony’s family ever since. “Teresa, from now on you’re our own daughter, Anthony’s wife!” Their promise ruined my entire life. Anthony married me because of that promise, but he felt forced into it. He resented me for disrupting his life and destroying his love. So even after forty years of marriage, he refused to touch me and wouldn’t deign to talk to me. “What are you saying? Stop talking nonsense. Do you really think that just because you became a regiment commander, I won’t dare do anything to you? You bastard! Even if you became a general, I’m still your father!” Brad glared at Anthony. Worried that I’d be hurt, he grabbed a baseball bat and was about to hit Anthony. “Brad, he’s tired. Let’s eat first.” I defused the situation for Anthony. Since I’d be leaving in a few days anyway, I just wanted some peace and quiet—I didn’t want to argue with them. I knew very well that the more Brad lost his temper, the more Anthony would hate me. Someone as stubborn as him would never give in no matter what. “Teresa!” Patricia pulled me aside and whispered, “You need to do something about your husband! You can’t always just do whatever he says!” Although Patricia is indeed very kind, we’re destined never to live together again in this lifetime. We had just sat down at the dinner table and hadn’t started eating when we heard the village party secretary calling. He shouted loudly: “Anthony, the army called saying there’s an emergency! Anthony, I’m telling you again!” Upon hearing this, Anthony immediately stood up. “I have to get back to the army!” He grabbed his backpack and left without looking back. This was exactly the same as what happened in my previous life. After returning home, he only stayed for a short while before Leona Ramirez called him away. Leona worked in the military band—beautiful, talented in singing and dancing, and a poet. She was Anthony’s first love. Though my past life wasn’t romantic, Anthony would do anything for Leona whenever she asked. In my previous life, after Anthony left, his parents sent me to the military and arranged for a division commander to officiate our wedding. Unable to withstand the pressure, Anthony eventually agreed to marry me and let me follow the army. But on our wedding night, Leona called him away again. Then he said he had to go on a mission. When Anthony returned, his vocal cords and groin were injured. So I remained a virgin my entire life. For the next forty years, my husband and I could only communicate through writing and gestures. I could only hold back my tears and devote myself wholeheartedly to caring for him and his parents every day. I was such a fool back then. It never occurred to me that if he had truly become mute, he couldn’t have risen from regiment commander all the way to chief in the military. He should have been medically discharged long ago. He could communicate normally and give orders in the army—he just couldn’t be bothered to talk to me at home. Since I was so obedient and never asked about his military affairs, I was deceived for decades. It wasn’t until my sixtieth birthday, while cleaning his study, that I discovered over five hundred letters in a box. They were all letters Leona had written to him. Leona had later married abroad, divorced twice, and wasn’t doing well. Anthony felt he had wronged his first love, so he wanted to make up for it with forty years of tenderness. He bought Leona a house and car overseas. He wouldn’t have children with me, but treated Leona’s three children from her previous marriages as his own, paying for all their tuition and living expenses. Anthony even attended Leona’s weddings as her family member. I was kept in the dark about all of this. I never asked Anthony where he spent his money. My complete trust in him was repaid with the coldest, most ruthless betrayal. After learning the truth, my world completely collapsed. So I jumped desperately from the balcony. I plan to live again. I’m going to give up on this man who has been utterly indifferent to me.

With four days left before my departure to San Diego, I began packing my belongings. As an orphan, I had no ties holding me back and could leave at any time. I packed a few clothes into my travel bag and sewed a hidden pocket inside my undergarments to hold my passport and thirty thousand dollars in cash. This was my entire life savings. In Christmas 1984, when city workers earned only two thousand dollars a month, thirty thousand was an absolute fortune. This was the compensation money from my father’s sacrifice, which I had saved for ten years without ever touching. In my previous life, when I married Anthony, I used this money to buy him a luxury watch and purchased a sewing machine and bicycle to bring to the military base. But I never saw him wear that watch. In this life, I wouldn’t make such foolish mistakes again. These thirty thousand dollars would be my startup capital for San Diego. Seeing me pack, Anthony’s parents assumed I was going to follow him to the military and were delighted. They offered to see me off, but I politely declined. Patricia gave me another fifty thousand dollars, calling it a wedding gift. I repeatedly refused, but she insisted I take it. I had no choice but to accept the money. My father had given his life for Anthony, so I could take this money with a clear conscience. Three days before departure, I went to my parents’ grave to say goodbye. “Dad, Mom, I’m going to San Diego to start my own business. Wait for me to come back. Don’t worry, even without Anthony, I’ll live well.” On Sunday, I bid farewell to Anthony’s parents and left the mountain village where I had lived for over twenty years. The green train rumbled along, carrying me toward San Diego. The journey was over 600 miles, requiring three transfers and taking three days and two nights. Coincidentally, the first transfer city was exactly where Anthony’s unit was stationed. There was a three-hour layover between trains. I hadn’t planned to use this time to say goodbye to Anthony—it seemed unnecessary, and he probably wouldn’t care anyway. I simply went to a restaurant outside the station for spaghetti, but unexpectedly ran into Anthony and Leona again. In the early eighties, everyone dressed casually, but Leona stood out in the crowd wearing a canary yellow designer dress. They were also dining there. Leona had a large bag beside her containing performance costumes—apparently she was going on tour with the military band. Anthony was there to see her off. Anthony and I made eye contact. I didn’t want to talk and planned to pretend I didn’t know him, but his face flushed red before quickly resuming that superior expression of his, then he strode over to my table. “Teresa! You’re getting more and more outrageous! I didn’t come to pick you up, so who told you to come to the base yourself? Do you think following the military is child’s play? There are tons of procedures to handle! You’re just causing me trouble!” Since childhood, Anthony had always been exceptional. He was also a key candidate for promotion in the military, and I had always regarded him as a genius. So he was confident to the point of narcissism. “Anthony, I’m just passing through here. I didn’t come looking for you.” “Ha ha ha!” Anthony laughed mockingly. “Teresa! When did you learn to lie? Why don’t you tell the truth? A few days ago you said you didn’t want to marry me, and now you’re chasing me to the base. I’ve told you many times—I’m focused on my career right now and don’t want you holding me back!” He was about to continue when Leona beside him spoke gently: “Colonel Moore, you should go outside and cool down. Let me talk to Teresa. Teresa came all this way to see you—you can’t let her leave upset.” Anthony snorted coldly and walked out of the restaurant. Leona walked toward me, her smile vanishing instantly. She lowered her voice, making sure only we could hear, and said provocatively, “You’re nothing but a country bumpkin. What makes you think you deserve to marry Colonel Moore? How dare you chase him all the way to the military? You have no shame! Are you using the fact that your father died saving Colonel Moore to force Anthony into marrying you? Hmph, your father’s life was worthless! He deserved to die!” She was about to continue when I slapped her hard across the face. I had waited two lifetimes to deliver this slap, so I put all my strength into it. Five clear fingerprints immediately appeared on Leona’s cheek. In my previous life, when I first arrived at the military base, Leona had said almost identical words. Though I was furious then, I held back from striking her, worried that Anthony would blame me for it. As a result, Leona deliberately fell down and falsely accused me of hitting her. This time, I slapped her directly, so she wouldn’t need to pretend anymore. Leona was stunned at first, clearly not expecting me to actually hit her, but she immediately put on an injured act, covering her face and crying out, “Colonel Moore, she hit me!” Anthony rushed in upon hearing the commotion: “Teresa, you’ve gone too far! Apologize to her right now!” Leona covered her face, a flash of triumph in her eyes. In my previous life, Anthony had forced me to apologize to Leona. I cried while explaining that Leona had provoked me first, and that I hadn’t even hit her. But Anthony wouldn’t listen to my explanations at all. He refused to believe Leona could say such vicious things: “Leona writes poetry and has read works by Shelley, Goethe, and Pushkin. I don’t believe she would say such cruel words!” This time, I couldn’t be bothered to explain to him. I had no mood to continue dining and got up to leave. For the first time in all these Christmases, I was defying Anthony’s words. He flew into a rage: “Since you won’t apologize, get out! I won’t marry a shrew like you!” I stopped and turned back to look at him: “Anthony, don’t worry. You’ll never see me again.” He suddenly panicked: “What do you mean?”

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