After losing my baby, I spiraled into a severe mental illness. My husband, Ryan, brought in the best psychologist and meticulously cared for me for over half a year. To stop being a burden to him, I diligently cooperated with my treatment. The doctor said keeping a diary would aid emotional healing, so I started writing. One day, I opened my diary, and a line of text suddenly appeared on the page. “Leave Ryan, or else…” “You’ll die a terrible death.” My first thought upon seeing these words was – My condition was worsening again. But I checked repeatedly. The words on the paper didn’t disappear. Instead, as I struggled to process it, more red text began to surface. Line after line, the diary read: “Maya, I am you, ten years from now.” “I know you might not believe any of this, but I still have to tell you.” “Ryan betrayed you long ago. Your miscarriage this time was his doing.” “Three months from now, Ryan will take you on a vacation to Bali. You’ll get pregnant again there, but that child won’t survive either.” “Eventually, your condition will worsen, and Ryan will admit you to a psychiatric hospital.” “While you’re there, Ryan will clean out your accounts and marry his mistress, starting a family with her.” “So… now, leave him.” “Don’t let yourself be trapped like this.” The handwriting was familiar, the tone too. But the content, line after line, was utterly foreign. I stood rooted to the spot, unsure how to react. Until the bedroom door pushed open, and Ryan walked in. He’d been working overtime until now, and collapsed beside me, exhausted. His gentle tone carried a hint of playful coaxing and a desire to please. “Maya, feeling any better today?” “I’ve been so busy with work lately, couldn’t come home early to be with you.” “Once I’m done with this busy period, how about I take you to Bali for a vacation?” Bali? A cold dread settled in my stomach. My gaze unconsciously darted to the diary on the table. The seed of doubt quietly took root in my heart. I slowly lowered my head, scrutinizing the man in my arms. His handsome face was etched with deep fatigue. After we lost the baby, Ryan was heartbroken too. But he was afraid of upsetting me, so he never dared to show it in front of me. Several times, I saw him secretly wiping away tears on the balcony. Yet, he’d turn around and pretend nothing was wrong, forcing a smile to comfort me. All these years, without his patience and companionship, I might not have made it this far. Ryan, who loved me so much, Ryan, who was so gentle and devoted to his family. Could he really… be cheating? The diary incident was too bizarre to comprehend. I couldn’t voice the doubt swirling in my mind. After a moment’s hesitation, I picked up his phone. The password hadn’t changed; it was still my birthday. The wallpaper hadn’t changed; it was still a picture of us from when we were eighteen. There were no social media or entertainment apps on his phone. His SnapChat list, apart from countless work messages, only had me. Everything seemed so normal, no flaws whatsoever. My racing heart calmed a little. Then, I sighed helplessly. Perhaps my condition was getting worse again. My psychologist had said that long-term use of psychiatric medication could cause auditory and visual hallucinations. It looked like I’d have to see the doctor again tomorrow. Just as I was about to put the phone back. A message tagging Ryan suddenly appeared in the WhatsApp work group. Before I could even open it. The diary on the table fell to the floor, startling Ryan awake in my arms.
Ryan was dazed for a moment, then instinctively reached for his phone. After seeing the message, he immediately got up anxiously and put on his jacket. “There’s a problem with the project at the company, I need to go back right away.” “Maya, stay safe at home. I’ll have the housekeeper come stay with you. Call me anytime if you need anything.” Ryan hurried to the door. Seeing that I still hadn’t reacted, he paused. “If… if you don’t want me to leave, I can stay with you.” In the dim light, I couldn’t clearly see Ryan’s expression. But I could distinctly feel the exhaustion in his voice. Ever since I got sick, my emotions had been unstable. Ryan ran between the company and home every day to care for me, trying every way to make me happy. The coffee table always had my favorite fruits. Piles and piles of books on psychotherapy. He was so tired his eyes were bloodshot, so exhausted he could fall asleep standing up. How could Ryan, who loved me so much, be cheating? How could Ryan, who loved me so much, even have the time to cheat? I tenderly touched his face and spoke softly. “It’s okay, you go handle your work.” “I took my medication, I’m already much better.” “I’ll cooperate with the treatment from now on and try to recover soon.” Seeing me say this, Ryan was somewhat relieved. He kissed my cheek, then left reluctantly. I wondered if it was my imagination. There seemed to be a faint, lingering perfume scent in the air. I didn’t think much of it, bending down to pick up the diary. In that short time, another line of text had appeared on it. “Go to Hillside Manor, you’ll find the answer you’re looking for.” Hillside Manor… My hand holding the diary trembled slightly. I struggled to control myself, not letting the tears fall. Hillside Manor was our marital home, bought with Ryan and my life savings. It was also the place where I lost my child. Years ago, Ryan and I were busy with our careers and it took a toll on our health. After years of trying to conceive, I finally got pregnant with this baby. I carefully carried him for eight months. Then, a single misstep, and I tumbled down the stairs. At eight months, the baby’s tiny hands and feet were fully formed. He was almost ready to open his eyes. But because of my momentary carelessness, he left this world forever. I was in agony, filled with self-blame, unable to accept any of it. I punished myself with self-harm and refusing to eat, escaping reality through memories. Ryan worried about my deteriorating state. He was afraid I would do something drastic in my grief. He sold the manor and moved me here. From then on, Hillside Manor and those memories became an unspoken taboo between us. I thought it was proof of his love for me. But the diary in front of me now suggested something else. Ryan had done this to make it easier to hide his mistress there. A complex emotion surged within me. Soon, several more lines appeared rapidly in the diary. Painful and urgent. “Maya, I know you’re hurting, but you must understand.” “Ryan doesn’t love you at all.” “He’s long been fed up with your mood swings and is cheating with his young secretary.” “Whatever meager affection you once shared has long been eroded by the passage of time.” I shook my head, no, this couldn’t be. Ryan and I had known each other since we were young, building everything from the ground up. I had saved his life, changed his destiny. He loved me; he would never betray me. I tried to close the diary, telling myself these were all hallucinations. But the words that appeared next ripped my already shattered heart completely to shreds. “Don’t blame yourself for the miscarriage; it wasn’t your fault.” “During your pregnancy, Ryan claimed he was busy with work, but in reality, he was constantly with Chloe.” “On the day of your miscarriage, they were both upstairs.” “Chloe accidentally knocked over lubricating oil, which caused you to fall and miscarry.” “While you were being rushed to the hospital, Chloe was hiding in the nursery you personally decorated.” “While you grieved and blamed yourself for the miscarriage, Ryan was spending every day with Chloe.” “And just now, the reason Ryan left in such a hurry is because he received news that Chloe is pregnant.” “They are currently at Hillside Manor, discussing how to transfer your joint marital assets.” “Maya, wake up.” “The only one who can save you from this misery is yourself.” The handwriting in the diary shifted from neat to frantic. It seemed to contain boundless desperation and helplessness. I fought back tears. But my body trembled with immense sorrow. The moon outside was hazy. That fleeting message had transformed into a gaping chasm, threatening to swallow me whole, along with the night. Had Ryan truly cheated, or was my illness worsening again? I didn’t know, I didn’t understand. Only Hillside Manor could give me an answer.
After a moment’s hesitation, I stuffed my medication and the diary into my bag. I called a cab and headed towards the place I had shared with Ryan for so many years. Along the way, my mind raced. I couldn’t resist flipping open the diary again. Through those distant memories, I searched for evidence of our past love. This diary began when Ryan and I first met. “December 30, 2015, Sunny. The first snow fell in Riverside. I found a frozen little boy on my doorstep. He said he was a scholarship student my father sponsored. His grandfather had passed away, and with no family home left, he had nowhere to go. In desperation, he came seeking his sponsor’s help. I didn’t know how to tell him. My parents were already divorced. My father had abandoned Mom and me; how could he care about the fate of a stranger? But looking into his hopeful eyes, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. I agreed to let him help out at the bakery, offering him room and board, plus enough wages to get by. They say good deeds are rewarded. I saved a little boy; I hope God will make Mom better soon.” “December 31, 2015, Sunny. Ryan is diligent and quick with his hands; with him here, I can relax a bit more. But the little boy eats so much. Our savings are almost depleted. I wonder when Mom will get better.” “February 11, 2016, Sunny. My mother’s condition worsened, and the hospital called. It was raining too hard to find a cab. I hurried to the hospital, stumbled, and broke my leg. Ryan carried me all the way to the hospital. But I still couldn’t see Mom one last time. Ryan helped me contact the funeral home and arranged for my mother’s funeral. I suddenly realized how tall he’d grown. That little boy huddled on my doorstep was now capable of handling everything.” “March 18, 2016, Sunny. College entrance exams are approaching, and Ryan’s grades are good. All the teachers at school say he’s talented and hardworking. With a little more effort, he’ll surely get into a top university. After thinking it over, I took the last of our family’s money and signed him up for advanced tutoring. I don’t know when it happened. But it felt like, in this world, there were only the two of us, relying on each other.” “March 19, 2016, Sunny. Ryan refused my money. He said I had already done enough for him. He promised to repay me well once he was capable. But truthfully, I didn’t feel like I’d done much. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have survived those lonely years.” “June 23, 2016, Sunny. Ryan’s college entrance exam results came out. On the day he received his acceptance letter from a prestigious university, he confessed his feelings to me. Turns out, the gardenias in the vase, the small, unexpected gifts. None of it was accidental. Perhaps because of my father, I was always a bit slow when it came to feelings. Only now did I belatedly realize his feelings for me had deepened. But how should I respond to this love? My father’s betrayal had left me with an aversion to all men. Ryan… could he be the exception?” “July 17, 2016, We got together. I am very happy.” Long-term treatment had made my movements sluggish, and my memory was gradually fading. But this diary allowed me to rediscover lost happiness. It reminded me of those difficult yet joyful years. I was much older than Ryan, yet he was far more mature than I. It only took a year for me to find him and care for him as he grew up. But he had protected and cherished me for over a decade. I had always been grateful that fate brought us together. Looking at the happiness brimming in the lines, A long-forgotten smile bloomed on my face. But when I turned to the last page, My smile froze. On the faded, yellowed page, a few stark words were written: “Don’t believe it!” I looked up; we had arrived at our destination. The long-abandoned manor blazed with light. Ryan’s car was parked steadily at the entrance.
Blurred window shadows revealed Ryan’s silhouette. I accessed the villa’s security camera feed. I saw him and Chloe locked in a tight embrace. On his face was a smile I had never seen before. His smile was brighter than any day I had ever known. The betrayal was undeniable. But strangely, my heart felt calmer than I expected. I calmly watched Ryan and another woman chatting and laughing. Calmly watched as the red text scrawled rapidly in the diary. It told me the end we were soon to face— “The Bali trip will lead to another pregnancy.” “You’ll plan to surprise Ryan, but instead, you’ll stumble upon him at the hospital, accompanying Chloe to a prenatal appointment.” “You’ll try to confront them, but a business rival Ryan had ruined will beat you to it, lunging at Ryan with a knife, intent on killing them both.” “In the ensuing chaos, Ryan will push you forward.” “The knife meant for Ryan will pierce your body, taking away your third child.” “You’ll barely cling to life, forced to have a hysterectomy, unable to have children ever again.” “But this time, Ryan won’t care for you meticulously as before.” “Because his child with Chloe will be due soon.” “To him, you’ll have become nothing but a burden.” “He won’t even have the patience to look at you, sending you directly to a psychiatric hospital.” “Within a year, he’ll transfer all the assets and file for divorce.” “The rest of your life will be a living hell.” As the words flowed, images flashed before me. The pain I had deliberately suppressed. The past I had refused to face. All flooded from the depths of my memory. I remembered so many things. I remembered Ryan’s countless nights away from home. I remembered the faint, lingering scent of perfume on him. I remembered the tears and humiliation, the yelling and accusations of the past. I remembered Ryan pointing a finger at me after I lost the baby, sneering. “It’s just one child, what’s the big deal? Haven’t you been dramatic about it long enough?” “You’re tired, you’re wronged? Am I not sad too?” “You lost the baby because of your own carelessness, what right do you have to cry in front of me?” “If you can’t move on, go join him!” “I’m sick of looking at your pathetic, aging face!” It was his words that had pushed me to utter despair. On a night when Ryan slammed the door and left again, I slashed my wrists at home. Blood stained the bathtub red, terrifying the housekeeper. I was rushed to the hospital that night and underwent a series of diagnoses. ECT, hypnosis. High-intensity treatments and constant medication had completely erased my memories related to that encounter with death. My mind’s self-preservation mechanism led me to idealize Ryan. Gradually, my brain became confused. I forgot Ryan’s affair and betrayal. I forgot why I had become this way. I forgot all my pain and resentment. I only remembered, long, long ago. Those long-lost, loving memories. Now, the lost memories returned to my mind. My future self, seething with bitter resentment, had shown me the end that awaited. I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t bear to remember. I wrote furiously, each word an agonizing plea, asking. “What should I do?” What could I do to escape that painful past? What could I do to avoid that desolate end? The world was vast, but I was utterly alone. What on earth… should I do? Tears streamed down my face, wetting the diary in front of me. Just before I completely broke down. Maya, ten years from now, gave me the answer.
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