After the girl he put on a pedestal fell to her death, my stepbrother hated me for ten years. Even after I used despicable means to completely claim him. He never truly forgave me. Until, in a fit of pique, I ran off abroad and got caught in a riot. But my brother, without a moment’s hesitation, shielded me, taking the bullet and dying. His last words, whispered in my arms, were: “I spoiled you.” “I truly regret… becoming your brother.” Everyone called me a lunatic. They said I was the one who destroyed my brother, a man of integrity, upright and self-controlled. So, I knelt on those long stone steps for fifty years. Begging for a chance to start over. This time, I would complete him. All I wanted was for him to live a life of peace and happiness. “Stella, just look at the things you wrote! Don’t you feel sick to your stomach?!” “How could you… have such thoughts about your own brother?!” That voice, so familiar, so cherished, echoed in my ears. My eyes snapped open. I saw Julian holding my diary, his face blazing crimson with fury. That diary was filled to the brim with my— Desires for him. But at that moment, I felt no shame from being exposed. Instead, I burst into grateful tears. I had truly been reborn. Reborn to the first time Julian and I ever argued, the moment he discovered my forbidden feelings for him. My brother, vibrant and alive before me, made my body tremble uncontrollably. It was too good to be true. He was alive. Julian noticed my strange reaction. The fire that had been burning in him immediately died down by half. He pointed to the floor. “All of this… take it and burn it.” In my previous life, after hearing those words, I became completely hysterical, grabbed him by the collar, and kissed him. Julian, his eyes wide with shock, fled in a panic, slowly distancing himself from me. And all my obsessive desires, fueled by that outrageous kiss, broke through their chains. Making me hate Lena, the girl who stole my brother, even more. Leading to all the tragedies that followed. So this time, I furiously wiped the tears from my face. And picked up the box full of diaries. “Okay.” “I’ll go burn them.”
My diaries chronicled more than a decade of my life with Julian. My mom and Julian’s mom were best friends. But my mom was a total romantic, always blinded by love, and she ended up marrying a monster who abused her. When I was five, my mom passed away despite all efforts to save her. My dad, a chronic alcoholic, fell into a ditch on his way to turn himself in to the police and died. Julian’s Aunt took me in. And then she passed away when Julian and I had just started middle school. From then on, it was just Julian and me in the large villa, with only a few house staff. Julian was only a few months older than me. But I was a complete magnet for trouble, and Julian was always like a miniature adult. So, from childhood, he followed me around, cleaning up my messes. Julian’s Aunt was always very busy with work. And the housekeepers and nannies often took days off. When I had a terrible stomach bug, he stayed by my side all night while I was hooked up to an IV. When I got into a fight, he always had my back. When it stormed, he’d grab his pillow and blankets and squeeze into my bed with me. Even when Lena fell to her death because of me. Julian hated me to his core. But when the riot broke out, he still didn’t hesitate for a second, stepping in front of me to shield me. My brother was perfect in every way. Except his love for me was family. My love for him… it felt like a sin I couldn’t confess. In my previous life, Mrs. Davis was inconsolable when she heard about Julian. Mr. Peterson, though, he pointed a finger right at my face and screamed, “Stella, you’re nothing but a jinx, a curse! Are you only happy when everyone around you is dead?!” I remembered Julian’s last words to me: “I spoiled you.” “I truly regret… becoming your brother.” He regretted it. Actually, I regretted it too. The secluded monastery tucked away in the northern hills was rumored to grant wishes, to answer prayers. I wanted to ask for a next life where Julian would never meet me again. But perhaps I was too wicked. The abbot refused to see me. So, I knelt year after year. The dark, mottled stains on those stone steps? Each one was a mark of my forehead, a desperate plea. From my youth until my hair turned white. Finally, when I was frail and old. The abbot agreed to see me. He said: “What has already happened cannot be changed, but perhaps there can be a new beginning.” “You are his fated hurdle. If it’s not resolved, all your efforts will be in vain.” Then, he slipped a small silk pouch into my wrinkled hand. “It will guide you to the moment of your rebirth.” When I woke again, the pouch clutched in my hand told me it wasn’t a dream. This time, I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes. I would pay any price, as long as my brother was safe and happy.
The next day, when we went to school, neither of us mentioned what had happened the night before. A suffocating silence hung in the car. When we got out, Julian finally broke the quiet. “You hurt Lena a few days ago. Go apologize to her today.” His tone was stiff, almost forced. It was as if he expected me to throw a tantrum again before he even spoke. But I just nodded calmly. “Okay.” Julian looked at me with a hint of surprise. But in the end, he didn’t say anything more. During lunch break, as promised, I went to find Lena to apologize. But after searching around, I found her with Julian. The bustling afternoon was warm and bright. Lena giggled, playfully tapping Julian’s chest. The next second, her eyes flickered over to me, and she immediately cowered behind Julian, clutching her bandaged hand. Julian’s arm instantly shot out, shielding her. “What are you doing here?” His voice was slightly distant. He’d already forgotten he’d told me to come apologize that morning. It wasn’t really my brother’s fault for being on edge. I truly was a lunatic. I had an almost savage possessiveness over Julian. He was handsome, and kind. Plenty of girls liked him. And I’d scared every single one of them away. I interpreted Julian’s silent consent as: *He has feelings for me too*. Just like in my previous life, I’d put something in his drink. Forcing him to cross a line. He resisted my touch, yet I could discern a twisted pleasure in his fragmented gasps. But I’d ignored that it was just an uncontrollable physical reaction. Lena was special to him. Even ten years after her death, Julian still hadn’t forgiven me. I forced down the bitter pang that threatened to overflow in my heart and let out a shaky breath. Then, I gave Lena a deep, abrupt bow. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have hurt you a few days ago, and I shouldn’t have publicly insulted you and humiliated you.” “Can you… forgive me?” Lena cautiously glanced at Julian. Seeing he said nothing, she finally replied, “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I forgive you.” I straightened up, meeting Julian’s eyes. They churned with an emotion I couldn’t quite decipher.
In my previous life, there was another reason I hated Lena. More than once, I’d seen her acting close with Brock, the school bully and my brother’s archnemesis. Brock had a terrible personality and loved to trip Julian up. I seriously suspected Lena was sent to deceive my brother’s feelings, so I targeted her at every turn. This time, no matter what the truth was, I had to find out. I needed to put the two people who were meant to be together back on track. So, I started clinging to Lena, telling her how remorseful I was and how much I wanted to be her friend. At first, she was wary. But when she saw I genuinely had no ill intentions, she let her guard down. I casually probed her, “What do you think of my brother?” A blush crept up Lena’s ears. “Julian, he… he helped me a lot. And he really loves small animals. He used to feed the stray cats around here all the time and even got them spayed and neutered.” “I think he’s incredibly kind.” Sure enough. They loved each other back. Lena was actually pretty amazing. Her family wasn’t well off, but she was incredibly diligent, studying on a scholarship. She was the picture of a resilient girl from a humble background. My brother was handsome, the top of his class, and had a large inheritance left to him by Julian’s Aunt. Anyone looking at them would say they were a perfect match. Even though I’d long known this, my stomach still twisted with jealousy. That evening, Julian knocked on my bedroom door for the first time in ages. He didn’t dare to come in. The last time, it was because he’d suddenly walked into my room that he discovered my shameful thoughts. I spoke first, “I’m just looking at schools to apply to, nothing else…” Since my rebirth, I’d felt Julian was constantly distancing himself from me. Even without that kiss, he couldn’t accept that the sister he’d raised liked him *that* way. And even without that kiss, I couldn’t let Julian go. He cleared his throat unnaturally. “Why haven’t you been coming home with me lately?” I was a bit surprised he was asking about that. *Because I need to quickly get used to life without you*. I silently replied in my head. Even today, I was thinking of finding a school far away from Julian. Anyway, he and Lena had good grades, so they’d definitely go to the same university later. As for me, the further from him, the better. I casually threw out an excuse. “Lena and I actually get along pretty well, so we agreed to go home together. We can chat.” As soon as I said it, even I didn’t quite believe it. Julian stared at me intensely, making my scalp prickle even more. I stiffened my neck and challenged him, “Am I… bothering you two?” He frowned, then tapped me on the forehead. “What are you thinking? Of course not.” Then, he raked a hand through his hair, slightly agitated. “Forget it, you… it’s good to make more friends.”
Today, I walked home with Lena as usual. She’d opened up to me quite a bit, and I wanted to figure out the real reason for her fall in the previous life. Everyone thought I had pushed her off the building. Even Julian believed it. After all, I had a long history of acting out. But I hadn’t. I hadn’t even touched a single thread of her clothes. She just started crying and jumped. I wondered if something terrible had happened to Lena’s family, causing her to think of taking her own life. “Lena, if anything’s wrong, you have to tell me. If you’re in trouble, let me know, I’ll help you fix it!” Lena first froze, then her eyes welled up. She *was* in trouble. Just as she was about to speak. Suddenly, a group of thugs burst out from the alleyway beside us. They looked menacing, brandishing metal pipes they’d apparently ripped off school desks. I’d learned some self-defense when I was little and managed to hold my own against them. Lena, however, wasn’t doing so well. Seeing a pipe about to land on her, I didn’t think twice and shielded her. Then, my vision went black. When I woke up again, the back of my head and my back throbbed with a burning pain. I was covered in mud, but the scene before me was so shocking I couldn’t even register my own pain. Lena lay naked beside me. “Hey, Lena, what happened to you?” My voice trembled. Without thinking, I frantically searched for my phone. I just wanted to reach my brother as fast as possible. But my phone was shattered, completely unresponsive. Just then, a blinding light suddenly shone on my face. I instinctively lowered my head, squinting my eyes. The piercing wail of police sirens tangled with Julian’s furious shouts. I felt a force shove me away, sending me stumbling against a nearby step. “Stella, I really thought you’d changed, but I guess you were just biding your time for today, weren’t you?!” Julian’s eyes were bloodshot. I stared at him blankly, only then realizing. He’d misunderstood. “Julian, no, it wasn’t me.” Julian scooped Lena into his arms. “You’re holding your phone and saying it wasn’t you?! Delete all those photos, I’ll deal with you when we get home!” I watched his retreating back numbly, tears welling up in my eyes. “It really… wasn’t me…” Finally, all the strength drained from my body, and my vision blurred into darkness once more.
I dreamed of the previous life, when Julian had been just as angry with me. When Lena fell to her death, and I was taken in for questioning. Julian hit me for the first time. A loud, stinging slap. “How could you do something like this…?” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “I wish I never had a sister like you.” His eyes held an emotion so profoundly sad, it was almost serene. I couldn’t blame him. After all, only Lena and I were on the rooftop that day. No one would believe that a graduating student with a bright future would just jump off a building for no reason. But even if Julian didn’t believe me. He still found me the best lawyer. There were no security cameras on the rooftop, no direct evidence proving I pushed Lena. Besides, my fingerprints weren’t found on her body. But there was still the possibility that I had incited Lena to jump. Ultimately, the incident was ruled an accident. Julian paid Lena’s mother a large sum of money. But she still came to the school every day, causing a scene. So, Julian proactively took me out of school. I truly ruined his life. If it weren’t for me, what a brilliant life he would have had. No matter how the outside world speculated about the incident. For Julian, his sister had killed the person he loved. From that day on, there was no going back. I woke up with a jolt from my dream. Before my eyes was my familiar bedroom. Julian was sitting by my bed, looking haggard, dark circles under his eyes. When he saw me wake up, a glimmer of light appeared in his eyes. Then, he hugged me tightly.
It turned out, Lena had woken up before me. She recounted the entire story. I had been knocked unconscious while saving her. The group of thugs had taken pictures of her and fled. Julian held me, his body trembling uncontrollably. He kept repeating apologies. “I’m so sorry, Stella, I’m so sorry.” “It’s my fault for misunderstanding you.” “I didn’t take good care of you, and I accused you without a second thought. You should hit me…” His trembling was obvious and clear, and his body heat seeped into me, making my eyes well up with warmth. Days of accumulated grievances burst forth. My tears and snot plastered all over Julian’s shirt. “Julian! It’s all my fault!” “If I hadn’t been such a mess before, you wouldn’t have doubted me!” I desperately shook my head, wanting Julian to believe my promise. “I’m truly sorry. I’ll never cling to you and make things difficult again!” “I’ll never yearn for you like that again. I just want to be your sister, always your sister!” I felt my brother’s body stiffen for a moment. Then, his hand gently patted my back. We hugged like that for a long, long time. It was as if all the previous distance between us had simply vanished. Julian brought over a bowl of porridge from the side. “Eat something first.” He tied up my hair and grabbed his jacket. “I’m going out to buy you your favorite tarts as an apology.” “Wait for me to come back. I have something important to tell you.” I gazed at Julian obediently, sensing something was different about him. As if he’d made some kind of decision. But I waited a long time, and my brother never came back. Instead, I first received a message from Lena. 【Stella, please, come find me on the school rooftop.】 【Only you.】 【Please…】
I ran out of the house like a madwoman. Why was it still happening? The abbot’s words echoed in my mind. *What has already happened cannot be changed.* Was I truly unable to change anything? Then what was the point of me being reborn?! But Lena’s message to me was different from the previous life. In my previous life, she’d sent me a taunting message. Lying that she and Julian were secretly meeting on the school rooftop. This time, though, it was different. I felt like the truth was within reach. On the rooftop, Lena was crying, just as she had in the previous life. “Lena, what the hell are you doing?!” *Does this building just have to be jumped off of?!* Lena looked at me, then dropped to her knees with a thud. “Stella, I can’t escape this. The people who hurt us that day were Brock’s men. They took so many photos and videos of me… I’ve been trapped for so long.” My blood immediately rushed to my head. “You knew this? Then why didn’t you tell the police? You’re the victim! It’s not your fault!” Lena screamed, looking completely on the verge of a breakdown. “It’s no use, Stella!” “I fought back, but it was useless…” “They threatened my mom and my younger siblings. Brock’s family has serious connections, we can’t go against him at all.” “He’s a monster. He’s always been toying with us. He wants to ruin Julian, that’s why he tried to get to him through you.” “I’m so sorry. You and your brother have both been so kind to me.” “Don’t come near me. As long as you don’t touch me, they won’t find any evidence on you.” “Julian cares about you so much, he’ll find a way to protect you, no matter what.” “But if I don’t listen to Brock, my family won’t have a chance to live. If I die, maybe it’ll blow up and get enough attention.” “I only ask one thing, please, after I die, look after my family, just for the sake of our short month of friendship…” I didn’t let her finish. I rushed forward, grabbed her by the collar, and pulled her to her feet. I could only hear my own roar echoing. “Then do you know what will happen to my brother after you die?! He’ll spend his entire life mourning you!!” It was only then that I realized I was a complete mess, tears streaming down my face. Lena stared at me blankly. The small silk pouch in my pocket *clattered* onto the floor. It lay there quietly. I vaguely remembered the warmth that had spread through my palm the first time I held it. *If I’m Julian’s fated hurdle.* *Then without me, he’d be happy, wouldn’t he?* …So, that’s what it meant. I finally understood. “So, we just need to make a big scene, right?” I turned and ran towards the edge of the rooftop. At first, it was a light, floating sensation. Then, a heavy, plummeting feeling. I chose the abyss. So I fell into the abyss. *Thud—!* A deafening sound, followed by a piercing shriek. It shattered the quiet of the night. At the same time, Julian, who was just a street away from the school, was so startled by the sudden loud noise that he almost dropped what he was holding. It was the last box of tarts. The bakery he usually went to was closed. He’d gone to several places before finding this newly opened one near the school. The crowd around him gradually grew louder. “Someone died!” “Someone jumped! A female student!” Julian turned his head, looking towards the school. He suddenly remembered the sharp pang he’d felt in his chest when he heard that loud thud.
Julian, as if compelled by some strange impulse, walked towards the school. He was never one to be curious about crowds. But that day, a voice inside him seemed to say: *You should go see.* He saw Lena. She was crumpled on the ground, crying, calling Stella’s name. *Why would she call Stella’s name?* Julian’s heart pounded with growing dread. He couldn’t control his hands, desperately pushing through the crowd. The person lying on the ground. He couldn’t *not* recognize her. No matter what she looked like, he would know her at a glance. But his sister should be lying in her room right now, waiting for him to come home with tarts. She shouldn’t. She shouldn’t be lying there, broken and shattered, on the ground. Lena confessed everything. She cried, saying she had killed Stella. “When I was injured before, I deliberately framed her. That day, she came to find me, furious, and I intentionally placed a cup near her. She accidentally knocked it over and broke it, and I pretended she pushed me and cut my arm.” “She actually believed it. She even apologized to me, even though she was the only one who ever treated me like a friend…” Julian stared at her blankly, it took him a long, long time to find his voice. “What did she say, in the end?” “She said, if I died, you would mourn me your whole life.” Julian felt as if someone was choking him, making it impossible to breathe. He finally realized: The one who killed his sister, was himself. Julian still clearly remembered the day he told Stella to burn the diaries. She stood in the yard, burning them and wiping away tears. His heart twisted with pain. He told Mrs. Davis to call Stella back inside. But he found himself uncontrollably walking towards the pile of ashes. There was one diary that hadn’t completely burned. He stomped out the flames. Inside, the elegant handwriting was something he had taught her, stroke by stroke. *Would Julian be disgusted if he knew I loved him?* In that moment, he felt nothing else mattered. He shouldn’t have blamed her. He had no right to blame Stella. In this world, no matter what mistakes Stella made. His own sin was far greater. He was just too afraid to take that step. If one day, Stella no longer loved him. If she saw a better, wider world. If men out there made her realize her brother was actually insignificant. Then they wouldn’t even be able to be siblings anymore. The step he took would damn him forever. That night, he even had a twisted thought: *It would be better if he and Stella had a blood relation.* At least that way, there would be an indelible mark between them. He was terrified. So, when he realized Stella hated Lena. For the first time, he didn’t distance himself from someone his sister disliked. He thought, *just let Stella give up on me.* She would grow up eventually. She would leave him eventually. But when Stella had been unconscious for several days, then woke up crying and apologizing, saying she was a jerk. He just wanted to say: *He* was the jerk, a thousand times worse than her. Not only that, he was a coward. Letting Stella bear the burden of their shared sin alone. Julian finally understood. He would tell Stella: *It’s fine. We can just go somewhere no one knows us.* But it was his moment of hesitation that made him lose his sister forever. … By the time Julian came back to his senses. He had already handled Stella’s funeral. That small urn held the person he loved most. She was so lively and active. How could she bear to stay in such a cramped space? His senses seemed to return belatedly. Thousands of razor blades seemed to sprout from his internal organs. He desperately dry-heaved. The blades sliced his esophagus, his throat. But nothing came up. He could only spend his days in Stella’s room. It was the only place in the world that still carried her scent. He didn’t know how much time had passed. His life had ended the day his sister died. Behind the wall, Mr. Peterson and Mrs. Davis were incredibly anxious. “We’ve found so many therapists, but nothing helps!” “He looks like he’s lost his soul. I heard that monastery in the northern hills is very spiritual…” I didn’t expect to wake up again. In a dimly lit rented apartment. There was an admission letter. The name on it was “Stella.” I had been reborn into a body with the same name.
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